Will he be back?

An early morning, the sun warming my skin while I am still lazy in bed, half covered by the duvet, what to do? The garden, kitchen, laundry everything is waiting for some attention, well so am I, as I am not getting anything why should they? Let me just feel this, a warm glow, comforting and pleasing enough to just not get up and get going. These are the moments where I decide to be very active today or take a “me” day, it feels like its going to be the latter. Tomorrow is an other day! Sound like I am already getting into the Spanish holiday mood, although that time is still some months away.

Looking back through the messages on my phone, it was a busy week, but some good things happened and some fun was present, most of it thanks to a “horse”, a story shared with friends. Somebody else’s fetish made for good laughs, and I do not even know if that is polite, they don't know who he is, nor will they ever meet him on the street, but still it makes me think. He explained that he truly needed this in his love life to have a functioning one. Within the group of friends some others have one, some of them have a play room, where visitors spending the night basically to sleep, start playing and end up with blood on the sheets and neighbours complaining of not being able to sleep because of the noise, screams. Just because in a funny mood they tried something they have no clue in handling. While having our lunch we talked about this, in our group little stays secret, we trust each other with our lives and it does make for a good laugh sometimes. There are still things told in eye to eye conversations that will not leave that area of confidence but other stuff is sometimes shared in the surrounding of good friends. Talking about some of these things I found myself explaining why these toys can hurt when not handled with care, a few eyes looked at me, and I could actually see the question mark in their eyes. No I am not into these things, but I listen to friends who are and they explain when I ask them too, in a way I am trying to understand their needs to seek pleasure in these games. Not to further analyse them but to further understand my friends, its my way, and they don’t have to tell me, but as they are sharing I would like to understand their feelings, or reason for doing some of it, as I found out that not all is to please the bodily needs, but also a mental state after a sad period, or even being rejected by the kind of person you desire attention from. Nor being able to handle the rejection, as you are still young, handsome, slim, smooth or what else you think is required to fulfil their needs.

In the past and even now I had to handle rejection, based on my looks, shape or other things I myself thought were OK. But I never have reacted the way they do, lowering their self esteem to feel desired, and after all still wanting that someone to just love them. They are going through their youth dating what ever they can lay their hands on (so to say), while still maintaining the wish to have something stable. Where do they get the idea that going out for the quick one, which is established in the chat before, they can find their prince (and there it is again) on his horse. A guy is so great sweet and sexy in all the right places, one date leaves to another as it pleased both of them, and then it happens, he feels, he is falling in love. Wake up mate!!! you picked someone for “no strings attached” random sex, and he tells you this every time. What are your ears hearing? First frustrating is kicking in, he doest text, he doesn’t call, he is not responding to my calls. Hello! What part of NO did you not mentally translate? There he sits in front of me, in all his youthful splendour feeling like the ugliest thing on the planet, so many toys and no mirror? Look at yourself! You are an amazing guy, you have looks, a brain and this massive feeling that you are nothing. 

Someone needs to wake up here and remember the basics, even though in love basics are a whole mountain of books where you pick the best one that suits you.

What has happened in this time where young good looking man, doubt them selves, beg for one more night with the other “stud”, “stallion” (life seems to be about horses lately). For a few moments I wish they could see them selves as I do, bright young man each one special in his own way, so much to give, far from that what they them selves think they are. Part of it can be based on their age, but most I think on society, the pressure of being better than your neighbour, when I am with them I enjoy the talks, jokes and stories and when ever they tell of an adventure, I listen, laugh and learn some much more of who they are on the inside. The amaze me, while thinking they fall short of something they are so much stronger somewhere else, with out even noticing. They doubt themselves and sometimes seek an answer from me, in my eyes they are beautiful people, not because of their looks or age, nut who they are and aspire to become. At my age these young gods are candy, in my case for the eye, and for my brain. If and when needed I hope I can be there for them to tell them they are more than others might see, while on the hunt or having a one night “special” moment. They halve don’t know how lucky this other person is to be with them, how much of them he will never know because he only wants the looks and beauty, and use it for a simple pleasure. Sure they want the same, being with this work of art, this piece of hotness. In the end to go home empty ( in a few ways) and sometimes hungering for more, and with that loosing again their own worth, to go back to the question, when, why? Will he have me again?

They hunger for sex, attention, and satisfaction, as I once did, put I was never under this kind of pressure or looking glass to be just perfect, and still having to ask for a good night. It merely seems to end in this game of having an online profile where the one who starts to talk, is the less beautiful of the two players. A online mind game, do I? Don’t I? Would he, could he? In a world where much is fake, this seems to fit right in, go enjoy life, have fun, but leave your brains at the door when you want your balls hitting the sheet first!

Me? well I play online too, wordfeud, I know my next move!