Looking through the donut hole

When we look at the world we all know we can do it in a different way, next to the fact that we all do it in our own way.

While working out in the gym this thought came to me as I noticed a person roughly my age with somewhat more of a wider waist looking at someone more than half our age with an amazing body. I could almost feel his pain. Not so long ago I might have looked the same way at someone with a picture perfect body. But now I just want to feel healthier and if looking better is another result it is fine. Sure I like myself even better, I will not lie about it. But much of my unhappiness lies between my ears, and trust me what ever diet I have been on or binge food feast I have enjoyed, the distance between my ears has never changed, the impulses from my eyes to my brain have played havoc with me.

I have been “almost” skinny and overweight, more than acceptable by most fashion designers. So a yo-yo, mentally as physically. In between I was happy or convinced myself to be so. I looked at myself with different, multicoloured glasses. In the end I think I never saw me. There was this person grinning at me, and until recently he was a stranger, I just had to accept.

Looking around me I noticed I am not the only one wondering, lucky for me is that I actually have weight to loose, not like this teen, looking for some flesh to loose because someone called him fat.

After my workout I sat in the changing room and looked around, so many people in all sort, form and sizes. So what makes something look attractive? As beauty is in the eye of the beholder (history teaches us, as well as every shrink) what if I looked at it with a more pleasant thought in my own head, as looking through the hole of a donut, what ever I am looking at it is surrounded by sweetness, one time glacéed the other time sugar. But the coat around what I see is utter sweetness.

It would make my world a much happier place.

Its a shame the donut isn’t always around when needed. It would turn some sad or difficult days in a second, as I would be able to taste the sweetness with only one bite, no explanation needed.

My waist would be sad, but my mind over joyed, who said mind over matter? He must never have had a donut.

Another friend of mine would rather use a kind of sparkle in as many colours as possible to make this world, our lives much happier. What ever we use in whatever way, if we are capable of making it shine, taste or look just a little better that it actually is, who cares. We create our own way to survive. True some situations are beyond the possibility of making it any better, but than there are your friends, who with even a little text message let you know they are out there, available, when the do-nuts have run out.

The coming years will hopefully bring me many more of these moments with them, not always based on sadness I hope, I truly love to share in their happiness and for being part of their lives. They are the spice in my life, like sugar goes well with cinnamon.

Today I, or rather we drafted our divorce papers and it was something, we arrived laughing, and in the 20 minutes we spend with the lawyer, we were there as we have always been, us. Something in the us didn't change, when everything else is the opposite of what once was. After almost 8 years this journey has truly ended, when I went to catch my train I no longer thought of looking over my shoulder for this last look, a smile, the no words moment that means goodbye. We have prolonged this moment for some years, but until recently I still felt I had a husband, deep down somewhere. Having friends like I do, I am in no need for a husband for moral support, but in the back of my mind he was still there.

A friend asked my how I felt, I was only able to answer “empty”, looking for a better word but I could not find one, his reply; “a good one?” he does know me, yes a good one. No more worries what will be next, no questions with no answers, no more nights awake, wondering, not whether there would be someone else, as I believe there have been more than a few. But also no more thoughts of what the future would hold in case, in case of, of what? Just a feeling always there, but gone the moment I stepped onto the platform for my trip home.

I put on my music and nestled in my seat, after sending some messages to friend who were aware of my appointment that day. The train departed and for the first time that day the sun came out, a sign from above? Who knows? Maybe someone else was creating a big donut upstairs, to look at some one more favourable.

Where I felt a little hole, he filled it with warmth, thanks!

Tomorrow is another day, and a new step on a yet another road, lets see what’s around the corner, as long there is a donut shop in the next village!!