Be my friend, my family

It’s the last full day in London and I have just said goodbye to a friend who is traveling back tomorrow and will stay the night at a hotel near the airport.

As always London has been a great stay and meeting up with friends it’s always something special at a special place.

Next to that in line with tradition I am in London at least once a year, and it still feels like home, saying this I notice I have a few places I can call my home, I am a happy man.

Now this little holiday draws to an end I like to reflect and have some moments alone where I can gather my thoughts and prepare for the trip home and all that awaits me there. 

I can already look back on a great visit with many memorable moments and I finally had my Proms in the park. If you do know me and it seems not many do (according to a conversation with my brother) you would know I am not a big festival guy, I prefer theatre and concerts in a more structured way, and yes, you can call me old fashioned. But being with friends and the atmosphere I can admit I enjoyed it. The weather was great and I had about 40.000 people to watch, which I did not manage. But the few I noticed made me smile, think, wonder and even be surprised. Being single with a certain friend in my life I must admit I missed him, I would have loved to have him here and share the night at the festival with him. Not even knowing if he would had put his arm around me even for a minute but just the thought having him with me that night. Again there is the old romantic in me sticking out its head, and I am fine with the thought. Realizing that I care, a little more then just a little and need to make sure we remain at that level. We exchange a few messages a day, me passing some more information and pictures and he just, well actually just being the way he is at home. With other friends and relatives we share our days on Facebook and I must say the likes and reactions are many, more from friends as actual family but with the state of our relationship as brother and sisters it seems to be a next step in a family bond changing, I thought I would be sad in the breaking up of my family but I feel no sorrow nor remorse, if it is the way it is suppose to be I will let it happen and I am left with my friends, the family I choose to be with, and who welcomed me in their lives for me, not my heritage.

When I said goodbye to one member of my Spanish family today I noticed that the feel closer to heart as my actual family does, worth a thought to figure out why. Part of it is, well for me, that the navy took me from my family and send me all over the world for long periods of time and the contact I maintained was with my parents through letters and cards as this was before the digital age. I never wrote my brothers or sisters and neither did they, so from the beginning they had their separate lives and almost no contact with me other then the few visits we had at our parents together and that was as children with parents not a opportunity to get to know each other. In a way strange to find out now how little I know about them as a person, and even stranger that I do not feel that I actually have too. My younger sibling told me that I never fulfilled my role as the eldest one, and on my end I have no feeling or idea of missing out on something. My brothers and sister are all as stubborn as me and even though we come from the same nest we have developed our own ways and lives and being honest if they were not my siblings I would not have them picked as friends, hard truth but there it is. One of them has the wish to get to know me as a person not simply as his brother and I have no problems giving it a try, but I refuse to turn it into a job-like task. After my mother passed away there is no parental bond left and the everlasting rivalry and not understanding each other of some of my siblings I am simply tired of holding it all together, I have arrived in a different stage of my life where I want to make life as good as I can or as it gets, and I know it will not always be happy times but with my chosen family I do make a damn good change of a happy what ever might be next. Again I do not feel bad on loosening the bond with my siblings and carry on as I have been doing the last decades. I will spend time alone and with my friends in a way and rhythm I pick, which hopefully is in harmony with them, and so far I have been doing a great job with that. Far better as keeping a relationship, and who knows I might just not have the ability to handle that and do have to enjoy the special guys that come into my life, however short their stay might be. Life could be worse but I enjoy it as it is, lets hope it goes on for a long while like this. Life can be simple and I would like to keep it that way with the help of my friends.its jut like the song, with a little help from my friends.

it's so ....... so what!

When tomorrow comes

I'll be on my own

Feeling frightened of

The things that I don't know

When tomorrow comes

And though the road is long

I look up to the sky

And In the dark I found, I stop and I won’t fly

I got all I need when I got you and I

I look around me, and see sweet life

I'm stuck in the dark but you're my flashlight

You're getting me, getting me through the night

Can’t stop my heart when you shining in my eyes

I can’t lie, it’s a sweet life

I see the shadows long beneath the mountain top

I'm not the afraid when the rain won't stop

Cause you light the way

Some lyrics from a song I was listening to after going to bed. In a way it stated something I was feeling apart from what I was thinking, after seeing my “friend”. Finding myself in a place between so many emotions, thoughts and wishes.

The question on my mind; “where are we, what happens next and what is this?”

Over the last couple of weeks I have been happy with someone just because he is who he is and we have what we have. And yet I find myself in bed with a few thoughts, and they should not be there, as there is no reason for them.

We meet spend some hours together and enjoy each other’s company very much.

Never do we speak about any form of a relationship, we talk about us, our day and almost all other things in life, just not about “sharing” each other’s.

Complicated because of a few things, one being younger then I am, one because he is still in the closet and I can name a few more, but are they complications or just because it doesn’t fit the usual picture perfect way to look at relationships?

Having been in more than a couple relationships with age difference I would say it has more to do with chemistry than age. If you are attracted to the person, feel the desire to see them happy, are sexually compatible, laugh well together, enjoy talking, you've got a chance for a great relationship. How long it lasts is unknown, and if it is too difficult in later years for the younger person, the option is there to leave.

I find that people my age don't have the same interests, energy and can be very boring when compared to the other energetic life.

This is however even for me a great gap in age, 24 years to be precise and I am on my way to 60(and yes I know it’s far away from where I am now) so truth is hitting or rather slapping me in the face; I am getting old. (Thanks to my loving friends to tell me I still have a young heart and mentality). So I asked a friend and here is his answer:” There is no acceptable age difference. If the two parties are happy, then it works and they should be left alone. Everyone has what they want and are happy with, and that is one of the least to worry about”.

Happy with the answer (as we always are when it is in our favor) I looked back a little on relationships around me over the past decades and I noticed that:

-         Once you are in your 20s, 5 years is plenty of distance to be, depending on the maturity of the individuals.  

-         I have witnessed that couples with more than 10 yrs age differences have more obstacles to overcome, especially with age. 

-         Once it gets to be more than 10 years, each person could be at different stages of their lives, and have to make serious decisions ahead as the future is shaping differently from each other.

So here are my thoughts about a relationship when there isn’t even one to talk about. How the mind wonders, that must be part of the age difference.

For now we keep on seeing each other and even spend the night, to wake up and have a breakfast, almost as normal as a couple would do. In the end however he makes me happy and I know for sure he is happy with me as he stated: “I am in safe hands with you”.

Now that’s the light I need in my life for now, even when compared to others its merely the flickering light of a candle, it warms me and makes me happy, I have a guy with no strings attached, but simple happiness, why should I complain?

With a smile I am looking forward to our next encounter, as I know it will be as delightful and happy as always.

What lies ahead, if .......

A good morning, somewhere between a rainy day and a sun flooded one, a day to sit with my coffee and finally collect my thoughts and put this one out there. On my cloud (the digital one) for a while but because of a good many things not yet on my blog page. Today is the day I am going to finish that.

Now there are more than one reason to do so, and I got the time while babysitting the house and the “attached” dogs. 

Recently I met someone I started to like very much and he also set my mind to thinking, as almost always with me about love and other related issues. 

Don’t get me wrong here we are far from any kind of a relationship or are we? It all started with that one date that finally happened after 2 years of waiting. Now I wished I hadn’t waited but as life happens so did this. Well we finally did “it”. And by the tone you noticed I or rather we liked it.

We are two people with a few things in common and a few more not, but somewhere something is working. Slowly a few other things hit the surface that seem to be able to float next to each other on this sea of possibilities. Hovering above is a cloud (not the digital one) with all the do and don’ts, the things that are telling me why a step more is either almost impossible or depending on two people making the most of what is given to them.

It’s way too early to have the “talk”, but it is nice to think of it I noticed, for now I have the conversation inside my head to be on the safe side. As much as we differ so much will be different. We made personal choices, and they will have their effect on us, if there is going to be a more serious “us”.

Time to think of a few possibilities that are out there, it made me think more about the people and their nesting habits (so to say). So here we go, with some of my relationship history in mind:

What’s in it for me or us?

 It’s weird. We all accept that not everyone likes the same clothes, food, cars, houses and careers and will happily agree that that lying on a secluded beach is one person’s idea of heaven and another’s idea of hell.

Why can’t we also accept that while one type of person will remain happily faithful for 40 years, others find it both impossible and unappealing?

Just as one person climbs into the warm, secure lap of marriage, snuggling and snuffling with contentment, another person frantically clambers out of it, suffocating and gasping for air.

Yet most people - young, old, conservative, gay and free-spirited - still follow the well-worn path of a traditional style of marriage (monogamous, live together, marry for love, death till we part) even when it’s quite clear it might not suit us.

1. Open marriage/relationship :  

We’re all aware (and most highly suspicious) of this one: two people who want to be together (married) but don’t want to be sexually faithful.

An open relationship (marriage) isn’t the same as cheating because both of you agree to have other lovers (though lots have rules attached to how to carry out these encounters).

Open marriage/relationship have traditionally been associated with hippy-types (and gay men) along with a belief that one person wants it, the other goes along with it because they feel they have to.

But for people who don’t believe all their sexual needs can be met by one person, it’s a far more honest, workable solution than pretending to be monogamous and deceiving each other.

2. Starter marriage/relationship:  

This is agreeing to a ‘trial’ one (minus kids) to give both of you a chance to see if you like it, usually with a time limit on it.

It’s legal and you can renew or convert it into another type of marriage/relationship if it’s working and you think you’d like to stay together for longer.

If you have commitment issues, it’s a ‘baby-steps’ way into long-term commitment and it avoids a costly, messy divorce.

3. Companionship marriage/relationship:  

In concept, it sounds quite off-putting: it’s less about love and more about choosing a partner for practical reasons like friendship and wanting the same things out of life.

In reality, this can be highly successful and a satisfying option. It actually has more chance of lasting than marriage/relationship based on intense passion with little else to go with it.

The assumption is we spent more time doing ‘friend-type’ things with our partners than ‘love-type’ things (sex, staring into each other’s eyes etc.).

If you’re the sort of person who craves intimacy with a soul mate and loves the rollercoaster side of love, this isn’t for you.

But if you’re attracted to stability and value contentment over passion, it may not be a bad idea.

4. Parenting marriage/relationship:  

It’s fairly obvious what this one’s about: your primary purpose of being together is to raise children.

Lots of people commit to parenting marriage/relationship if they haven’t met ‘The One’ but their chances of having children are plummeting.

The upside: you don’t need to be in love to bring up a happy, healthy child. So long as you are both good friends and happy to put your children first, it can work well.

But if you see it as ‘settling’ for less than what you truly deserve, you can end up feeling disappointed and lonely within the marriage.

5. Living apart marriage/relationship :  

You’re “together” (married) but don’t live together, or only do part-time.

This model suits more people than you think and I’ve seen it work very successfully with couples who need lots of time alone.

The old saying ‘Can’t live with them, can’t live without them’ rings true for a lot of couples, especially those in volatile relationships.

If you’re hugely attracted to each other but with very different personalities, this can make the everyday negotiation of living together difficult.

There’s lots of freedom for both to do other things - like pursue demanding careers - with the bonus that you tend to plan the time you do have together more creatively.

But you need a high degree of trust with both partners wanting the arrangement, rather than one doing it to hold onto someone who secretly wants out.

6. The safety marriage/relationship :  

This marriage is about security and mutual benefit: agreeing to offer someone what they want, in return for what you want.

It might be about financial security or emotional security but rather than both of you kidding yourselves it’s about love, you’re honest about the reasons.

The immediate scenario that springs to mind is the old-fashioned ‘gold-digger’ trade of looks and sex for money.

But you might be happy to be with (marry) someone who’s less attractive than you in return for longed-for devotion and a promise that they will never cheat.

Whether you like all these ideas or don’t like the idea of any, the basic takeaway is absolutely sound: it’s your marriage/relationship, make your own rules rather than adopt a model that doesn't fit.

siesta thoughts

Siesta time on my last full day in my little paradise, and again I don’t want to leave and I am planning on when to come back. Things are great as ever and a little bit extra is added, this time round I got to know a nice Galician guy who makes me happy and smile. He is a no fuzz person and definitely with two feet firmly on the ground. I would say just what the doctor ordered. We have had just a couple of meetings but we hit it of on the right note and I am a happy person, truly I have couldn’t expected this. Surprised but happy, and way to early to hope for much more, but you know sometimes it is nice to dream, even more when you feel so comfortable in his presence. When I am in bed at night my mind wanders, almost like every moment on the beach, but it seems that with age you want to go things to go at a faster speed even though you know haste is seldom a good way for things to go. But I am content, I try to accept things as they happen and I am happy. Trying to let go of the bad things and embracing the good things, for in the end how ever much we try we can not change destiny. Do I hear someone shout we can? Well my friend I believe in a lot but I think destiny just has to happen. I have to take control of so much in life that in this case I hand it over to Mr. Faith. For I like to be surprised sometimes, it adds flavor to my life I noticed, even though I might not like all faith has in store for me, but here I am, made off all these ingredients of life, but still happy. So tell me why should I change that? Indeed no reason to do so. 

Being back with the family is great and there is much more life in the party at the moment and I needed to adjust to that, but we are such a family that changes, adaption and all other stuff flows into this big happening and we deal with it. With my ow brothers and sisters there is a different bond, it’s the one given by my parents, this is the one that grows and keeps growing and giving. Truly blessed with my friends, my Spanish family and my own of course. A few years ago I needed an escape from life from people and I found it here with different people, with my family. Year should make you wiser and I am at a age where I could have welcomed my grandchild but instead it is handed to me to stay in a different state, don’t know if I can call it younger, for that would not be the truth, but it is like I am a break in life, where living it is the important thing, why should we be to busy with getting older if staying at a status quo is so much nicer. Indeed somethings should never change, and I wish that would be true. On the other hand I would not have met this nice guy, things can change but please at the same pace they have done lately. Retiring from my job was one of the best things that could happen to me. Never thought it would feel like this. Only 7 months ago since I left the navy but now it seems a distant memory, like my childhood, a story best told in pictures. There is nothing left to pull me back to what once was. Sure I still have friends serving but they are my friends and not the job they hold. 

When I look around here and see my family having their siesta while I put my fingers on the keyboard I realize that this is essential what it is all about. Being home and being at ease, no rush nothing to hurry about just relax and we will see what happens, and if nothing happens so be it.

Light conversation for my blog and I think that more stuff will flow once I am home, but for now I am satisfied, and spaghetti full…. I need a siesta too, so perhaps until manana……

Vacación

Well hello, it has been a while but i’m back. A week ago i left for my holidays back to “ little heaven”, and i found peace of mind and time to write. At the moment i have no access to the program so i can’t even tell when the last time was i added something. 

After a few days of sunshine it is time to sit down and gather my thoughts from the past days. First thing I thought to have noticed that the “blue shorts” were out and replaced by red, but after a busy day on the beach today I stand corrected. Blue is still out there and hot as ever.  

In other parts of the world life is going crazy, killings and bombs go off as if they were getting out of fashion, I spoke with a friend in Kuwait to see if he and his family were ok, after a nutter blew himself to pieces in a mosque killing many others with him. While I was waiting for him to respond I remembered my parents and was shaken by the fact that I could only think of one thing, happy they are dead and no longer see the world that once was a “safe” place fall to pieces. Sure we had terror forty years ago but we could still ride our bikes and play outside and look forward to the holidays and go somewhere exciting. Now you can meet your end on a sun stretcher in Tunisia. Mum and dad you are truly in a better place. When my friend finally answered he too was thinking of one thing, wherever you are or go is it still “safe” ?

During my time in the navy I have been in areas or situations where danger was a given thing, but we knew, this however is a word gone crazy. So being here on the beach enjoying the sun it is amazing but with a question mark somewhere in my brain; for how long? As with many things you have to let go of ideas, fear or even hope sometimes, so my turn to put this thought on hold and look for the brighter things in life. What lies ahead? Well as I started my somewhat new life after my retirement I found myself more at ease with so many things and found a new me, I didn’t know was out there. Change is a good thing and it is going to happen, many of my friends told me so, and guess what they were right. Afraid of the new pat of my life I was just not able to see past the line of retirement. Now I know my time was the right time to leave turn around have another look and try something new. The old me is still there with the memories of days gone by, one day it just happened my navy days were a nice memory and that is the way it is supposed to be. 

A few weeks ago my mother died suddenly and it hits you again, time moves on, things happen. She left us peacefully and somewhat fast but we have been waiting for this for a long time and I am satisfied with the fact that she was given a beautiful year in the home where we visited her regularly and where we made the final but good memories with her. Another moment in time, both your parent gone, no more stories about when I or we were young, we have to continue with our memories, we are the legacy. 

So many times we tell ourselves to make the best out of things, out of life but do we really listen to ourselves? For example in our love life? We are bound to make mistakes and learn even when we know better, sometimes the heart wants what the heart wants. The best thing I have learned lately is to let go, let go of thoughts and unhappy feelings. Why linger on problems you can not solve, people who will not change, typecasting and so many other things others decide for us. Why not just fall in love with the person that makes you go ahhhhhh? Because he has a different religion, color, or age, the world is changing faster than ever and still we cling to those medieval thoughts. Gone are some of these for me and I am trying to make the most of things while the time is given to me, fall in love buy a pink shirt or a flower print short. Yes I stay within logical lines, well the ones I consider logical, but all is fair in love and war, so lets give it a shake. Love in this case I leave the war to others, I did my part there and lets face it in war someone always dies, not the prettiest of thoughts so onward with the happy ones. 

Just when I thought I would never meet someone in Spain, things seems to happen and no I can not say where this is heading, well to a certain point, the beach and dinner tomorrow after that all is possible. So here is a temptation because so many things in this are not standard and I do not hols the answers, I let it run it’s cause. 

A sunny day ahead with a new friend and half way through my holidays so plenty can still happen, I leave my options open. No ideas or thoughts planning on what to do when something happens, let it happen and enjoy the ride, it’s the best fun park ever! But in our long talk I mentioned blue shorts so I am curious will they be  there for me….. I will not wear the myself, temptation has to arrive in them.

When I sat done I was planning on writing about a few things but now I am busy I think I keep it with the “things that happened” story. Deeper thoughts are for another time, when I am not on a break, enjoying what every day will bring. Being home from home I didn’t even notice it has been over a year since my last visit. While I was out for a festival I et a few people and all seemed to be surprised by how well I looked,well why didn’t you tell me earlier I looked sick, out of it? Just going with the happy thoughts and compliments now, and I do feel a lot better, so fun ride here I come. Cautious but still with a smile and by now a fantastic tan, if I make a mistake I make it looking damn good, summer has arrived!! With that thought I hope I will be back writing more, as I promised myself several times over the past years, but some things are getting ready to get out there….. until next time, hasta luego  

when in rome

Do we actually always have to adapt to the local customs to make life a little bit more ……. And here I start wondering why we do the things we do when we are in “Rome”. Yes, over the years while traveling this planet I have adapted and changed my ways to either fit in or not run the risk of what ever guidelines told me could be out there.

Lately I found that not only in rome but even at home we apply this rule to just basically avoid taking the extra step. We have become lazy in our efforts towards normal everyday life.

Why not take the initiative, when you want to know more or get on to the next step? Thank you social media or whatever app you are. We can google or check you online, or find advice when we ourselves know no more about the item we are wondering about. Instead of judging for ourselves if a person matches our wishes, the restaurant has an amazing cook we rely on others to do the work for us. We become more and more a victim of reviews blogs and looking (stereotypically) at pictures and judge within seconds if it matches our wish list. Personal interaction to the minimum, is it because we want safety? This from one of the most insecure places on the planet, the internet. Sure we are not all rich enough to travel around the globe to buy this item in Japan or find this amazing boyfriend in Texas, what happened to the next village or town just a cheap bus ride away? Has the grass on the other side of the fence truly become so much greener lately? 

For my cooking addiction I also use the net to find ingredients from other countries, simply because in my country not everything is available or thanks to the government it is 4 times the price it should be. And yes I also communicate with people from all over the globe, luckily most of them are colleagues and now friends I used to work with and consider the internet, email as a true gift. Still not a big skype fan but it seems to be growing on me.

While visiting my friends here in Poland I noticed how dependable one has become to being connected to the electronic highway…… me included…. I was just checking the news at home, my emails, why I wonder, I am on a little vacation, if it is important I still have my phone with me to receive the emergency calls. The addiction has grown on me and became a behavior. Can I say I am still happy I can sometimes go without being connected when ever I want, I think the answer is yes. I do remember the whatsapp messages if I do not respond within a certain amount of time, I do not have my mobile glued to my hips all the time. Sorry guys sometimes is am just a man, laying in the sun enjoying some music and living in his fantasy…. I am even more addicted to daydreaming, for that is the world where I can drive the car I want, live in the city of my dreams and are happily married with 2.4 kids (that was the average last time I checked, raises the question what do you do with a 0.4 kid?). it can be just me, but I like my mentally drifting moments….. thanks to the music and some headphones I can be somewhere else completely. Even I have to be grateful for modern day electronics. An app a day keeps the boredom away. Although I have difficulties to feel absolutely bored, I still have enough to do, be it little or big things, I have to plan moments of coordinated nothing time. 

Even now in a few minutes spare time while on vacation I feel the need to write and thanks to a connection I can blog and post, well there is an app for it and “addicted” as I am, but for now it is time to finish grab a shower and go for luch with some more friends, to nurish some more personal moments.

Happy New Date (again)

A huge misconception that people have is that dating is easy for a Gay man. So many friends right now, are trying to play cupid and get the only two Gay people they know together as a couple. I mean, why not? They have so much in common: They’re both Gay. This is far from the case. In fact, Homosexual Dating is MUCH MORE COMPLICATED than Heterosexual Dating. For example: When a man meets a woman in a bar/club and they go out for drinks the next day, there is no question that it’s a date. When a Gay man meets another and they go out for drinks the next day, that’s NOT a date, they’re just “hanging out.”

What the fuck is “Hanging Out?!”

This is the kind of semantic nonsense we have to deal with that straight people do not. Other examples are “Friends First”, “Friends with Exes” and “Antiquated Gender Role” bullshit that plagues gay culture. Don’t get me wrong, dating women is no walk in the park. However as a man who has dated women in the past, I can tell you that it is in no way full of many variables and complications as when dealing with Gay men.

You only need to briefly scour the many profiles on Gay dating sites to discover the laundry list of requirements Gay men place on one another. The most disturbing part about this is that MOST times the men are demanding prerequisites in others that they themselves do not even meet. Guys seem to all want this perfect fantasy “Superman” that they’ve created in their minds to “save” them, that more likely than not doesn’t even exist. No one is perfect, not even yourself.

Look into the mirror and honestly ask yourself if you are worth the effort. You say yes? Now look at your cell phone…is it ringing off the hook with potential dates? No? You have your real answer…All jokes aside, no one is attractive to ALL men. We all have different tastes and preferences and something as simple as a poorly chosen tattoo around a belly button can soften even the hardest penis of a masculine gay man. Focus on depending on more than your appearance and you’ll find that more quality men will emerge.

No one likes fruit and vegetables that aren’t ripe yet. No one likes undercooked food. Many gay men see anyone 25 and younger as disasters waiting to happen, with good reason. At that age they are like horny puppies humping the first legs they see. It eventually passes with time, but not before they’re potentially all used up. Alternatively, “Desirable Gay” seems to have an expiration date. After 27 years old, you’re like an old loaf of bread: your edges start to harden until you are 40 and you’re ready to just be thrown into the trash. This is how many gays view older men. I say all this to say, there is an ageist attitude amongst Gay men that goes both ways (pun intended). This reason has no solution. It all comes down to what your intentions are for the potential relationship and how thick your skin is for potential rejection.

Gay men are obsessive about “sexiness” and the beauty of the male physique. This is a fact of life that has been around since the days of homosexuality amongst the Romans. It will not change. So it may be time to become more like the “Statue of David” and less like the “Statue of Buddha”. Don’t get me wrong. If weight is a constant struggle, don’t risk your health by utilizing crazy diets and unsafe juice-fasting techniques. Also, I know there are men out there that are really into “thick” guys. However, they are often few and far between. Ironically, even many chubby guys that don’t mind dating other men with a few extra pounds often get rejected because they are not “sexy” with six-pack abs and muscles. Once again, you have men desiring what they themselves are not even offering in return.

Believe it or not, you can actually be TOO in-shape. Admittedly, I’m not into muscle guys. True, some of these men can be nice to look at and/or have a one night stand with…but that doesn’t mean I would want to date them. Many guys such as myself are not interested in being with these overly muscular guys who drink protein shakes at the club…Okay, that was an exaggeration but not by much. Also, I’ve talked to many guys that feel intimidated by men all ripped and cut up. They say it makes them feel insecure to take off their own clothes eventually when it comes to intimacy. Lastly, many muscular men that I’ve known tend to put their standard for fitness on the other men they meet, causing a lot of disappointment. There’s a reason that you can’t find another masculine gay man who has also been going to the gym 6 days a week for the last 10 years. They’re rare.

This one boggles my mind. So many men who WANT relationships have told me that they’re not looking. The old adage, “you’ll find a match once you stop looking for one” is holding you back. Nothing ever gets sold if you don’t advertise that it is for sale. You have to be proactive in your search much like you would in looking for employment. No one ever says, “You’ll find a job once you stop looking for one.” On the flip side to this, some men you meet will say “I’m not looking for a relationship right now” but what they really mean is, “I’m not looking for a relationship WITH YOU.” Accept this and move on to someone who actually has the same goal in mind as you.

Let’s face it: Some guys just don’t want a relationship. From the many stories I’ve heard, Gay relationships can be messy, complicated and full of unnecessary drama and aggravation. Some men can’t do commitment even in the process of trying. It’s as if their brain is monogamous but their dick is the philanderer. To each his own. If you are the type of man who prefers to be single, remain that way.

I’ve met quite a few of these. These clingy relationship types often expect monogamy after your first date. They can be seen sending you “Good Morning” text messages daily the night after meeting you for the first time. They start planning for your future together before you even learn each other’s last names. Look, there’s nothing wrong with getting excited once you’ve finally found a man that meets your laundry list of standards and requirements, but there’s no faster way to run him off than to let him know you’ve already started picking out the drapes for your new home together after only a few dates.

This is the main reason that has kept me single for a long time. (and a few little other ones). I seem to have a knack for meeting great men at the wrong time. From meeting him while I’m dating another guy, meeting him when I’m single but he’s in a relationship, meeting him when he’s just getting out of a relationship and he still hasn’t severed his feelings for his Ex, meeting him just as he’s cutting off all dating to focus on work, to meeting the perfect guy right before he’s about to move to the another country…My timing sucks. What I’ve learned to do is to just lower my expectations. I’ve tried to meet a few guys (discreetly) and develop quality friendships at the least so that my network can be widened, thus creating more opportunities to meet quality guys in the future.

And who knows what the future holds? ( I have a strange urge to shout happy new year…..)

building a man from the friendslist

Many of us look back on our dating past and wonder how on earth we could ever have considered romancing men so incompatible. But new research has found that this is perfectly normal, revealing that man’s tastes change as they get older and proving that there is indeed a ‘perfect gay man’ for every stage in a man’s life.

From bright young things on the hunt for a hunk to ‘later daters’ looking for a cerebral soulmate, the research shows that a man’s age will often dictate the different characteristics they look for in a partner. When we first start dating we carry over the desire to fit in and belong from our adolescence, and seek approval from our friends to validate our choices.  We are building confidence at this age, and it’s important to us to know that we are choosing well. As we grow in confidence and invest in our own careers, partners who are doing the same become very attractive to us. And while we’re young and sexy it is natural that we want our dates to reflect this aspect of ourselves as well. (Yes there are the exceptions e.g. daddy’s and twinks to name a few) This mirroring of ambition and looks reflects these years when we are consolidating our persona; working out who we are and what we want. Priorities shift as we begin to think of commitment and “family life”.

Men who are established, stable, and successful and have life experience become very attractive to men at a different age, offering the depth of resources (both material and emotional) required for successful partnership. (We are no longer in our twenties)

As we grow older and with hormone levels changing (Even when we don’t want to admit they change) they become more assertive, experimenting more and celebrating our wisdom. Man become prepared to take risks and perhaps seek out new adventures; they are not afraid to search for passion, but still understand that feeling secure is a vital ingredient for happiness. Suddenly subtle shifts in development create a well-rounded perspective on relationships, stressing the importance of friendship as well as sexual resonance. These men take the long-term view that commitment requires humor, intelligence and shared values to stand the test of time, meaning they are not prepared to settle for anything else. Having experienced different relationships, they know exactly what they want and, importantly, what they don’t.

As I (think) am somewhere in the middle of this all I was wondering after the recent days if I can build my Mr. Perfect from the man in my friend list, be it straight, bi or gay. Just to have a good selection I took my address book and my Facebook friend list.

Before I started I had to divide this task in two parts one for the looks and the second one for the personality. Let me tell you one thing I am glad that I don’t drink in the afternoon. This was far from easy.

Looking for a tall man, dark eyes, chest hair and strong legs not over muscular. And after 30 minutes I thought I did it, only to find out that something was missing. Not to mention that the person was tall in legs with a short torso and too much out of balance, it would be easier to be able to Photoshop…. So another try. Two cups of tea and some fooling around with pictures mostly from Facebook, I think I came very close. Seems I still like the Middle Eastern look. Well tall dark and handsome with a whiff of mystery.

Now the character. New dimension, I know all of my friends on Facebook and my address list so that makes it easier.  From a not too long list I ended up with 5 guys, who combined made Mr. Perfect, I just had to give each one of them a percentage to add up to a 100% satisfaction for me. The good thing next to the fun I had was to have a good look at the men on the sideline of what is my life and find out that they all mean something special to me, each in their own way, entertaining and educational each in their own individual way. They make for a lot of happiness and fulfillment in my life. I am a happy man, to have in a way already found my Mr. Perfect.

What makes a boyfriend

Yesterday I took the time and attempted to write a love letter, don’t know if it made sense but overnight I started to think about what next? What would my man have to be as a boyfriend, not aiming at the appearance but more the qualities, so I researched a little within the terms and brainwaves I like to have about relationships? Started with the plain listing of facts, writing them down and after that made my comments. Damn that took some time but I think I did a good job. To be completely honest I had to look into the mirror a few times and ask myself: “really?”.

It might not be perfect or even far from it but I think I grasped the basic, in the end it made me think a little bit more. Maybe tomorrow I might think of looks, I think I could make a nice one out of combine part of my friends, they are individuals with attractive features and not only on the outside. Well hell that’s the reason for becoming a friend. But first my “boyfriend thoughts”. I must admit I had to laugh a few times. So here we go:

A great boyfriend isn’t easy to find. And even if you do find him, almost always, he’s already in someone else’s arms. But have you ever wondered what really separates an average boyfriend from a great one? Well, there are a few qualities and traits that can help you figure that out. All of us have flaws, and it would be silly to believe that we’re all perfect. But almost always, these flaws aren’t really flaws. Sometimes, it’s just ignorance. A guy may just not know what another man likes, even if he tries to understand him or please him.

There’s the potential of a great boyfriend in every guy, if only he chooses to reflect within and turn himself into the man of your dreams.

If you have to look for the one big quality that makes a good boyfriend, it would be his will to communicate with you and understand you.

Relationships are built on communication and understanding.

If you’re dating a guy and even if he seems perfect to begin with, time can reveal cracks and flaws, differences and resentments, between the both of you.

Of course, now and then, no matter how hard you try to make a relationship work (remember it is not your second job in life!) with a boyfriend, he may just be too stubborn or unwilling to change. And in circumstances like these, it’s always better to just let go and find someone you find more compatible. (Sometimes you have to pick the car with the comfortable seats)

A great boyfriend loves talking to his man. He has interesting things to talk about even when there’s nothing new. And most importantly, he wants to understand you and he wants you to understand him. (Although silence can sometimes be so damn nice)

He’s active and has a fun life of his own. A great boyfriend is almost always a great guy too. He has an active social life, and gets along with people easily. He’s likable and has a warm aura about him that draws people to him. (Not too many and not too often, I want some attention too)

A guy may woo a man until he accepts to date him. (Ever been perfectly wooed? Please tell me all about it) But some guys take it easy as soon as they get the man. Don’t date a guy who takes a back seat and expects you to do all the work as soon as he wins your heart. He won’t change for you because he’s too self-centered and selfish. (Amen)

A great boyfriend is one who sees you, and knows you well. If a guy loves you and finds you fascinating, he’d be observant and would easily recognize something new in you.

Does your boyfriend ask you about your life every day? A good boyfriend is always interested to hear about his man’s life and the things he does every day. (Please give me a break sometimes!) It just means he misses you so much, and hearing about your day makes him feel like he hasn’t missed a moment of your life! (Nice thought but a bit cheesy in the end, I think)

He doesn’t pressurize you into doing something you don’t want to do. He may advice you and may try to convince you about why he believes something is right, but he won’t try to manipulate you or threaten you into doing something he wants you to do. (In my case the gym, that’s always been a breaking point, I decide when I think I am in the mood for some healthy torture!)

When two people love each other, they can’t help but try to bring out the best sides in each other. If your boyfriend loves you, he’d constantly try to motivate you and help you achieve your full potential instead of telling you that you’re incompetent or can’t do something. (I admit when I am not capable of doing something, over time I found my strong and weak points, love the initiative though)

A good boyfriend would always try to impress your friends and your family, even if he can’t get along with a few of them, because he wants them to believe he’s a great guy worthy enough of dating a sweet man like you. (Poor man, with my friends that’s a job for life, unless you make the perfect chocolate mousse)

No matter how busy he is or how occupied he is, he always makes time for you. He could sacrifice his sleep or stay up longer, but he’d want to be with you at least for a few minutes or hours. And that’s not because you’re nagging him, but because he misses you and your touch. (He better!)

He doesn’t ogle at other man in front of you. He never speaks about you in bad light to his friends.

 A great boyfriend is one who has goals in life and works towards achieving them. He doesn’t bitch and moan about how unfair life is. Instead, he grabs life by the horns and tries to make something great out of it.

A guy may be stubborn when it comes to his ambition and his determination, but he should never be stubborn when it comes to making decisions or making life plans with his man. Compromises and sacrifices are a part of making a relationship work in the long run. (These times it seems to be easier just to give up and move on to the next, there is an app for it I am sure)

He’d be willing to do something with you even if he hates it, if only to make you happy, especially if it means a lot to you.

A good boyfriend may want to spend all his time with you, but at the same time, he’d still give you the space to pursue your own dreams. As much as he loves you and misses you, he’d still want you to have a life of your own.

He goes out of his way to make you feel loved, by indulging in romantic gestures and words. He loves you and never ceases to show his love for you in little ways.

He grooms himself when he comes to meet you because he wants to look good in your arms. He even works out and stays fit because he respects you and wants to look his best for you. (And this list goes both ways so there is me hitting the gym, damn stupid lists)

A perfect boyfriend initiates and maintains an active sex life. He’s innovative and tries to keep sex fun because he realizes that sex is just as important as love in a happy romance.

He doesn’t backtrack on his words. He makes promises and keeps them. He’s in control of his life, and has firm principles in life.

Insecurities and doubts always have a way of cropping up in a relationship when there are secrets or lies. A great boyfriend doesn’t give you any opportunity to doubt him, and communicates with you frankly and avoids lying or keeping secrets that may affect the relationship. (Not easy in the gay life, but it is possible)

Dating a lonely guy may mean he would have a lot of time to spare for you, which may seem like a good thing. But if he’s abandoned or avoided by the rest of the world, there’s probably a good reason behind why no one gets along with him. Maybe he’s antisocial or needy, or perhaps he’s a manipulator or an aggressive guy. If the guy you’re dating is lonely, be wary before falling too deep in love with him, or you may end up feeling like a caged bird in no time.

A good boyfriend doesn’t think he’s a know it all. He’s always willing to hear you out and listen to your point of view completely before taking a decision, especially if the decision involves the both of you. (Note to self; need to work on that one)

A guy may seem like a great boyfriend initially. But as the months pass by, he may start to subtly and deviously control you one step at a time. If you notice even the slightest signs of controlling behavior in him, speak with him about it so he can change before it’s too late. 

A great boyfriend stays in touch all the time, and keeps you updated about his life. He doesn’t see the need to be secretive, nor does he avoid your calls when he goes out with his friends at night. (And you should not try to call him that often to check)

For you, he’s an open book and never ignores you or shuts you out of his life.

If your boyfriend really does love you and sees a future with you, he’d place you above everything else in his life. You’re the most important thing in his life, and everything else just takes second place.

a love letter long due

What is love? This question haunts the human psyche perhaps more persistently than any other. It has occupied our collective imagination for millennia, it has baffled scientists, taunted philosophers, and tantalized artists. So mystified by love were the Ancient Greeks that they itemized six types of it. But nothing defines it with more exquisite expressiveness than the love letter. At its best, it makes the personal universal, then personal again — a writer from another era or another culture captures the all-consuming complexity of love with more richness and color and dimension than we ourselves could, making us feel at once less alone and more whole in our understanding of love and of ourselves. So where is the app for it?

It has been a very long time since my last love letter, writing and receiving. Feels like ages ago. I wonder if I still can….. Maybe I should just give it a try, call it practice, just for the fun of it. Remembering how it made me feel writing one. Let me first picture my (imaginary man). Okay let’s give it a try,

My love,

For this moment only, I have come to realize, I want to give you, the miracle that's mine to give, my love. It’s the time to write and ask you this as time is passing me by and I want to waste no more, so there are a few things I want to ask you. Will you be there, for the rest of my time, make me a home?
Will you stay there and let your heart follow mine so it feels like we will be together for a moment that will feel eternally, and hold me for this moment only.

When I look at you I look at all that is good and safe in my world, a world where I used to fight my own battles and stood my ground. The moment I met you I felt like I could stand stronger with you, time was on my side that single moment I first looked into your eyes. Yes, it’s something surreal and might be straight out of a movie script, but I have learned to not underestimate moments.

The following weeks where we started to see more of each other started off a friendship, which became stronger with each passing moment together. The movies we went to, the dinners we had, the walks in the park, the times I looked into your eyes and for a moment drifted somewhere where time stood simply still. The time I noticed eyes can truly smile. It is safe to say we both know and feel there is something, something I would like to give a name and purpose.

Have you ever loved someone that makes you go silent when there should be words, where you do almost anything just to look into his eyes? Closed your eyes and dreamed he would be there, to try to find the words to explain it all?

What do I got to do to get you into my arms, to get you into my world, because thinking of you can’t make me sleep. I am trying to find those words but every time we speak they seem to don’t come out right.

I wonder what to say next or not to do, afraid of making a mistake, to keep you as a friend and to become my lover, it's tough this love thing. Even more when in the middle of the night all I can think of is you, does this has to be this tough? With only one heart it seems there are a thousand pieces that would come together and beat stronger because you would be in it, they are shouting out for more of you.

We have had a few months where we talked about all that is important, funny and even sad in and about our lives, so say something, I will be the one if you want me too.

There is no place I would not follow you, for now I am feeling so small, I am still learning to love, I need you to say something. In a way I am sorry I couldn’t get to you the last time we met, my feelings were fighting with my thoughts and in the end words were lost.

You got on the train and I waved goodbye after that simple kiss that still lingers on my cheek. I hate to see you leave and the same time it makes me happy because I get to say hello, again and again.

Here’s my letter to you in words I could not say, the words important for you to know, and I can’t wait for that moment, that one moment only to be with you and call you; “my love”.

so there it is, i wonder if it would do the trick. Maybe one day i will find out.....

from lover to friend

It’s another Sunday evening and the weekend draws to a close. This weekend I was supposed to visit a concert together with an ex but the concert was cancelled and instead we decided to go ahead with the meeting and I booked myself into the same hotel. Yet another ex from across the border. So I arrived late afternoon yesterday and after we said our hi and hello’s, I head to my room to unpack and after we met for dinner.

It’s been a good 12 years since I left the place we called home and never looked back, as too many things had happened. The life we had together was ruined and he was the one to blame, this time there were no two parties to blame, none of that. As is normal after a breakup we had there are a lot of things you just want to throw at him, and I don’t only mean words. My happy life was ruined and I had to pack up and go. Leave the country and prepare for a new start.

More than 12 years passed and the words that I wanted to say or the questions I wanted to ask have gone too. As friends we met and started talking and we had a great weekend. Looking at him I even wondered what I found attractive about him many years ago, other than the hairy chest. It too it seemed to have disappeared. Yes he looks the same after all these years but the magic did wear off. Big time. So it is true love has an expiring time and his one is up. He changed and in a good way I must say, but no more Disney effects, and I had such fond memories of them. I use to find him sexy whatever he was wearing and it felt great having him near.  But all was gone faded with time, left was a friend, and yes I can call him friend now. We shared memories and enjoyed spending time together while walking in Amsterdam. As friends do.

It made me again think about relationships and the thing we call love, proven many times it just might not be forever. Some things are and remain a fairytale, there is a reason for that. So what’s next? Well some have a neighbor over for the extreme cuddle but who has to leave for guest, others stay the night but need to be gone before breakfast. And some well some can hang on for a little longer, but in the end I will never promise again it will be forever.

My young friends might not always hit the jackpot but they do dream, sometimes about the forever love and sometimes just about another neighbor, but the keep on dreaming, I applaud that whole heartily.  They are ever more part of my story and my view of the world. My world, well it’s never a dull moment, not with them. We might not call every week but they remain only a thought away. They make it possible to look forward into this multi colored world and make me smile and sometimes wonder how they will make it to the next week with their new love interest. In the end it doesn’t stop them trying or me writing, I might even give them some sound advice or be the one that listen to them, but I do love them, each in their own way. After a weekend like this one I noticed that one changed from lover and partner to a friend, and loving a friends is so much more ecofriendly in the end, they might sometimes hurt you a little, but they also know how to make up, and once in my heart they are safe, and I have changed into a more forgiving person, and I am glad for it. The hurt has been enough over the years, why keep thinking of that negative thing that happened to end a relationship, a few years of happiness. I count my blessings and my great years with them all, friends and lovers for they made memorable moments, so many of them.

Stay dry and smell the coffee

With all the wisdom around, when do you know it is your time, or the perfect time? Looking at the average things people like in general we are as different as we can from each other so when it is my time, could his time have passed?

Things happen and I am a firm believer that it isn’t always for a reason, karma or any other mystical way. Things can just happen, to me to you or both at the same time.

There was me sitting in my favorite coffee place having a good cup of something hot and sheltering from the rain, that hasn’t stopped all day. The place was almost packed and filled with a happy atmosphere despite the weather. Couples, friends and people of all ages and background.

From time to time it is a great place to sit and just feed on the scene, like this time it’s a great inspirational spot for adding something to my blog.

As I was sitting alone I could focus on the things at hand, as I still needed to get some things from my list, the weekly shopping. While I was checking in on Facebook I noticed a shadow next to me, just thinking someone would like to pass to a table near me, when suddenly this nice voice asked me whether or not the seat next to me was available. Being polite I looked up and answered sure, and found myself looking into the (very) blue eyes of a thirty something, soaked and dripping from the rain, he needed a dry spot and his tea. (Well deserved) he sat down and I went back to my iPhone to check mail and other stuff, while sipping from my coffee.  Like conversations go he started to talk about the weather and I put my phone down, as I am still raised in the correct way. So we had the polite conversation about the weather and I must admit he had a voice that lingers in your ear, manly and in the lower tone range. My coffee almost finished but the rain still not giving way I just made the decision to have my coffee last a little longer, this was no time to go around and carry a couple of bags from the market. Plus I had plenty of time on my day off. When out of the blue my table guest offered me a coffee as according to him; “no one should be around there”. So I gladly took him up on the offer and we started to chat a little more, where I came from as I was for sure not speaking the local dialect and if I had a day off from work. He turned out to be a geography teacher enjoying the little spring break, apart from the weather that is. In the end we spend 3 hours chatting and finished when the rain seem to stop. A handshake and a bye and we parted. Walking towards the market with a smile as I just had a great time with just someone and no strings attached, no expectations none what so ever. We had a nice talk over coffee and tea and about so many daily things. It was nice these few moments with a stranger. So it is still possible to engage in small talk with people just sharing a table.

Lately I have been spending much time out and about alone, and yes sometimes I do miss someone to talk too during my walks but on the other side I have been on my own for so many years while I was stationed abroad. Being with just me has become a way of life, and not a bad one I must admit. Being solo a lot has perhaps changed my ways when I was with someone, being in the relationship ir being at the “other” home, the one I had to share with my significant other. We all have to adapt when we are going into something more serious, but now I have to be honest, I always had my escape place, the one where I lived away from all things “back home”.

Over the years people like this guy have come and gone in my life and I was happy with it, seems I like it that way. My friends are different, I keep nurturing my friendships they are the family I picked the people I want in my life. After my nice coffee chat I realized that the relationships I had were not as strong as my friendships, and I started wondering why, because I do not share a house with my friends? They come and visit, enjoy a dinner and stuff, but partners are there all the day, and they want to know, why and where and what I am doing. Yes love is a great thing, and I do enjoy it when it comes along, miss it when it has been a while. But I had to admit after all these years that I might not always gave them all I was and could be. Whether it was that they never had a change to intervene with my job or the goals I set along my career, I wanted what I wanted when I wanted it. I gave what I wanted to give at maximum when I was in love and together, but I now know I never gave my all. So tomorrow when I look in the mirror I am looking at a different person. It took only a rain shower and coffee with a stranger after all these years to find a little more about myself.

project sunday

Another Sunday and enough time to myself to have a go at a little writing. The days go by fast but still nothing much is happening. All is quiet and I have yet more time to settle in my new way of living, and I must say I imagined it harder as it in the end proved to be.

With not having to work every day to make a living I find myself more thinking of the past and “what’s next”. Without being overly worried I must add.

Arrived at a point where the question of how to spend the coming years, single or not so single is lingering on the never resting mind. I have always considered myself to be a man of feelings and some old fashioned romance, but when arriving at the question time I find myself more looking for what is practical and if the “new” addition to my life would be an obstacle in my life from now onwards. Must I wonder where that came from? I hope not as I try hard to see the logic in it. The last years I have had a string of failed relationships or attends of one. To only find myself wondering now if I would not be hindered by one in the limited freedom I give myself while going through the motion of everyday life.

On one side I have changed and on the other life has changed, with that I mean the things we seem to find important in life, and of course relationships. While doing my research into the gay life and all its colors I am finding more and more that maybe too much has changed. To come to my points regarding young people in search of their place in life in combination with their sexuality I talk to youngsters and I can still be surprised. By far they seem to suffer from wanting a strong relationship with the fear of it becoming old and boring soon. These youngsters are on a path of fast discovering the gay life, scene and all the different ways to have “relations”, losing out on a moment to stand still reflect and realize what they have, or not have. How can I help a 19 year old when he complains there is no true love or romance out there, after he has just been partying and sleeping in many different ways with many different guys as being on a gameshow, where it is all about scoring. So after asking him to define romance he is lost within 2 sentences, storybook examples from movie or if I am lucky a book. Next question to follow is; what is love to you? Again and again I am met with eyes staring at a wall or other furniture in the room accompanied with a long silence and almost the sound of breaking brain matter.

They can in seconds answer questions about sexual positions they like or fetish they might love, like or dislike. Hello internet, yes you are helping us a lot, but in this case with the ready available porn you are killing the youngsters. Continuing with my questions I asked him whether or not he makes sounds or talks while having sex, sure, was the answer otherwise you are not “performing” well. So what? Are you up for an Oscar? After a while he admitted that maybe only 10 percent of the noises made during the act were based on actual arousal, good that must feel great. Having sex because you want to be intimate but having to keep track on how long every action takes and how often we have to moan etc. and yes you guessed correctly most of the action is done and dusted within 30 to 40 minutes, unless there is some group action, because that is never over that fast, well not according to the downloads from the net. Good to know there is a how to ….. for dummies. So yes we can make performance sheets for love, intimacy or basic sex, the internet shows us how and in what sequence we should perform, once we have established our roles, because nowadays you have to be one or the other, just going on your feelings and your mood might confuse the other party, or parties.

When you believe this is only the younger generation, well think again my friend, the elder gay generation is catching up as they are looking for the fountain of youth and on the way to get there adapt to the young gay guide from the internet…. Guys be careful and don’t break something we do not heal as quick as we use too!!!

Time to read some more articles and try make some sense out of it to put it into my scripture for work.