In a world of imagination

Take a look. Traveling into the world of my creation. Well it will not be mine but Disney's, after so many years I will be back soon! Just felt like I needed to write a little. So much has happened and on the other side so much has not changed at all. There's something in the air, wish I knew what. This is a break that feels deserved, my time with the navy is getting to the last 2 years. Life will be changing and I need to prepare as I need to get ready to turn 50 soon. What's the difference i say, not much but also too much. It feels I arrived here too early. But for now I am gonna be busy with what to pack for the coming days. Next time I am trying to post from sunny Florida until then!

Some questions have answers .....

Wooow it has been a while, and i truly had plans to write more, and more. But life seems to go into another gear and I lose the time to write or for that matter post.

I passed on the opportunity to write while we had a “blue moon” a few weeks back. Not only my life has it changes also the people around me seem to find themselves in different, places, moods and or other things.

Within this time I have to find where I am going in the near future, and try to let go of what I am doing today, but I find it hard to do. Letting go of something that has become almost like a way of breathing, not such an easy task. Never thought that work would have such an impact on life, other than the average hours in a week, month or year where I am expected to show up somewhere to do something. After almost 32 years of wearing a uniform it seems to hit home……. This is more than just something that pays the bills; it has become a way of life. So what is next? Honestly I have no clue. My head needs to get around the fact that in 2 years time this will all be the past for me, it will turn from “just another day at the office” into “once upon a time”. However hard I try to lose the ties that bind me to the Navy, it isn’t working. Maybe the next step to switch to a 4 day work week will help, but I doubt it will be that effective. Turning 50 soon is another milestone, well I think it is, probably just a number. So many things that I thought once would make a huge impact on my life turned out to be just ripples in the water. Think that death will be the big impact, but I hope I have some time till I have to prepare for that one.

In 2 weeks time I will find myself on a plane to the US, and damn it has been a while…… 11 years I haven’t been in that country, and off to Florida for some work and some “me” moments.

Making sure I will take it in fully as I have no idea when I will be able to go back, so Florida, Orlando here I come. Knowing it might not happen again soon I am going to make sure that I take in as much as I can. Friends will try and see me while I am out there, so good moments catching up with some of them and this time not via Face book. Time for some old-fashioned chatting! Being together as this big “www-family”, sure has its pro, but let’s be honest what are we really sharing? For my part, I know and I am cutting down on it, as I did recently on my “friends”, I have started to make a selection, and was somewhat shocked to see that I “unfriended” over 20 people, as they came into my life after a meeting or floating around in a canal in Amsterdam, but never heard of since. Yeap, time to clean up life, well the one that is gone digital. The coming week I will try to even clean up some more and get old stuff out of the way, all with good intentions, but I want to go back to be a more private me. As I do in real life. The friends I made in Bahrain are the ones that together wild the old crew remains in close contact but all others are mere floaters on the web. To have the luxury to go back to simple life after the digital revolution, I think is a good thing. Take a step back and be surprised by things people do, not if they were able to flip the perfect pancake, for this one picture on Face book. Ok, I have to admit I find myself doing the same thing, so admitting to baking a cake becoming the highlight of my day, is that sad? I like to think that in a day more exciting or for that matter important things happen. People around me are starting to write songs, change jobs or other more important thing, we’ll definitely more important than just another loaf of sweetbread that I pull out of the oven.

Love, (sorry made me laugh) same as it was, still in love with the same guy, and it is going nowhere. Fought hard to get over him, but why? It feels good where he is and where I am. Still married and even that feels ok. He is there when I need him the most, and vice versa. I have no more expectations regarding us, him or life between us. We took our roads and as he writes ;”life between us”.

He does his things and I try to keep busy with mine, sometimes we manage and sometimes we don’t. we had a few very nice moments together, where it felt like he was there where he belonged, wel l at least in my head, and here I am the egoist, I don’t care what he feels or thinks about it. He is still hovering above so many things and living in a state where reality seems a world away. Maybe by now he doesn’t even notice anymore. But in the end I still love him for the guy he is when no one but me watches him.

In all I think things are ok, not great, but hey, I need things to dream….. and hopefully to manages in the future, be it far or near.

New people came into my life, and I have to figure out where they will go in the future, are they on my path for a short moment or might I be with them somewhere further on the road……

As ever things are moving, and I would like to give it a magic “Harry Potter” wave of a wand or maybe just let it happen.

The future will tell, as there still is no crystal ball app to do it for me…..

Is it right or not ok?

Queens night and day, one rolls into the other. My country is getting ready to party for almost 24 hours. As far as i am concerned i will only put the flag out and show that i am still a good Dutchman. That will be all, no traditional things for me, if and only if the weather will be good I will wash my car and work a little in the garden.

These things need to be done too, and I have a busy week ahead, so plenty to do.

I must admit I haven't done much today as being lazy in front of the TV and nothing else worth mentioning. Yes, it has truly been one of those days, but I have done enough the last week and this coming week will be a busy one too! So its a good thing I took some days off to have some time to myself.

It is well past midnight and the village is at peace, or seems to be as it is silent and dark, in a few minutes I will be heading to bed too and get a good night sleep.

Just wanted to post something as my mind is not completely empty, as I watched an episode of Glee I just noticed how good in most episodes the music choice is and it does make me think.

It's not right, but it's ok; a number originally sung by Whitney Houston, was performed, and this time by a young man, so relating to it became a bit easier. It's not exactly how things were, but it felt like it. I did feel betrayed for I think a lot of the same reasons. After a long time I became to realize that what I see as trouble is someone else nature. Over the years he hasn't changed as I notice, the few times I see him. Does he never get tired from this? When do people stop pretending it's not right, but I make it OK? This thought should not be in my head as it has nothing to do with me anymore, well kinda, in the end I am still married. He with all his sweetness and sweet talk is and will probably remain a mystery to me. But in all is still the person I know when no one is watching. For reasons I myself do not understand I will probably still be there for him long after the divorce. Somethings grow close to your heart, and he is one of those things.

It's strange how you can love the wrong person for all the right reasons, surely it's not right, and it's not OK.

April showers

Every time i think of writing a piece for my blog, it just doesn't happen. I do need to get my head around it.

the last week have been busy with LGBT work and trying to organize some activities with some of the other members of the team. Although they come to parties in great numbers, here where they actually have to do something it is quite a different matter. But if we just get them motivated it should get some attention from the others.

On the private side of things, well still the same old story I fear, it just seem to be a love that I can not get over from and not live with. Waking up at night I still miss the body to take in my arms, where as during the day I do not miss the person to take care of or take into account. The weird balance of love, the part that needs it and the notion of things I can very well do without.

Indeed love is a weird thing, it seems not only god moves in mysterious ways.

As marriages and relationships around me are ending in good and bad ways I wonder; why do I hang on in there? Is there still the hope that all will be OK, someday? Where as a fact I am not getting any younger. Compared to others who are “working”things out, I still feel privileged that we at least didn't had to go through painstakingly walking around each other. So much I can handle and so much I can be without. These are friends and although I feel I should show my support and be there for them I can not do it. The energy they are soaking up and to be careful what to say or to do when a “situation” seems to be developing is killing me. I get so tired just trying to not shout or just smash their heads together. Wake up and smell the coffee, its tea!!!! true they are there to listen to my troubled love life, for what ever is left of it. To me it is simple, I do love my (still) husband more than he will ever know or understand for that matter. No longer do I expect him to wake up from his gay-dream-life hopes and fears. He is to far gone, it became his nature. What ever he provides, or attempts for that matter is a fake believe of what things should be like. The big show is on, just not on cable or on local stations. As I am more involved in the pink things I see more and more around me and I can just wonder where am I? In fact I am just not pink enough, I still need my hetero moments. The whole gayness is a big pill to swallow, no one seems to read the label, and is not aware that it can be addictive and in some cases leads to stupidity and might even result in death.

Some of them consider my life dull and without fun, but I get tired of trying to keep up with all that is hip or to do, showing of and not being able to do, speak or just be who you are on the inside.

While having my coffee and watching the rain from my living room, I am content, still missing my hubby, but content. Somewhere in the near future we will divorce and the legal separation will be done, but I know that he will never leave that place inside me, be it my heart or my head. From time to time I am still sad of this loss, these periods become shorter as life is passing me by, but they still surprise me when they show up. These time I am sad and I let it happen, it belongs to the part of me that is still loving him, for the person he is when he doesn't speak, pretend or tries to be someone he really is not, when he sleeps next to me and has his breakfast and is just in his bathrobe the man I married.

Gone are the days where I wondered if he would think the same, which I have to realize he didn't as his fantasy about so many things became stronger than reality. Still that doesn't stop me loving him. Comparing others to him is something I am not able to do, as he left me with so many things he probably didn't plan or is not even aware of he has. His facade to the world gets bigger and bigger as does his believes in it that it is all true and happening. What life must be in his mind, to me it is all so shallow and fake, that I have a hard time believing him when he talks, as I look in his eyes to see the man I see, and to have a few moments with the one I love, a few seconds where I do not listen to his voices other that just notice the sweetness of it and picture him again close to me as we once had. Than reality kicks in, I leave and take with me my husband as I love and remember. The shell I leave behind, and I know that loving him is easy, living with him not an option, but at least I had a moment with my man. Until the next stolen one!

SOmething somehere

You can not turn back the clock to your happy time, and I found out that walking backwards is also not the way to get thing or moments back into your life.

The night outside is dark and cold and I think it is safe to say that summer is on the way out, not that it actually had happened, or I must have missed it.

It’s either me or the season but the movies on TV seem to become to be more romantic, and hence my mind wonders…. Or it just does, I do not think I need a season or a programme to watch to get in that mood. For that I know myself too well. Let’s just say something is hitting my button at the moment. Too much time on my hands or just having mental peace, something in that direction or a combination of many.

Suddenly I notice friends, family and neighbors around me struggling with their relationships; I assume the season really is changing. The leaves will start to fall by themselves soon, no longer in need of a strong wind to leave the branches.

Nature is taking the next turn, soon we will be looking for family and friends to be closer together and prepare and even celebrate Christmas, the time no one wants to be left alone. Sure I have my friends and family moments and plans, but I am also looking forward to that single day that I will spend alone, having the moment to myself, before I get ready to leave for Spain and prepare to start 2012. At present still weeks, even months away, but it’s coming and I am in my usual planning phase. An other item to add as a reason to be going romantic at the moment. Romance, should that automatically include love? Instinct probably makes it happen, but does it need to be? For me there are people who want to be in a relationship, some who want too and others who no longer want or care for it.

So much is changing but that picture seems to never change, the food for all the poems, songs, plays and god knows what else. By now I think it would be acceptable to have people who have no problem being and even staying single. So why does everybody expect them to end up together? At a certain age we still should have needs or what ever we going to call it, a biological clock seems to be ticking. Even man admits that they have a clock and are talking about wanting kids before they are too old. So liberal we got after decades of having things planned for us by parents and grant-parents, we still seem not having to grasp the “eternal single”. I admit I am one of those thinkers, even wit very close friends being such a single, for me it is not so much of needing to be together but I think that with being in a relationship I am more complete. But do I give the other enough space to complete me? Over the passed years I have been in several once and I like to believe that I have given the other enough space to add to my life, only to realize now that I wanted them to add to my life what I wanted them to add, and guess what? Indeed it didn’t really work, and there were more problems between the two of us, who ever it was I have been with, I tried to much to control what’s in my life or what was going to be added, controlling can sometimes be a little to much too handle even if it turns out to be your own life.

Somewhere down the line you get time to change once the world is turning a little slower and you find time to think. Good thing I can sometimes walk on and not think too much, I had plenty of years to do so. When does life stop to have turning points? At what age are things leveling out? Something’s might never change I am afraid and I think when I get old and wrinkly I might write some wise words about it. (Or not)

Will I have the wise words or solid advice when someone asks me for it, sometimes age is a guarantee for wise words or comments, or just the listening ear? Where I am today should be a point along that line, but more frequently I want to joke about life and the things I am noticing. Sometimes life, the world or other people are more serious or of the beaten track than I would care to handle. But part of growing up is to teach or help others, like the younger ones joining the force, nephews and nieces needing advice the rest can’t give them. The uncle that listens and id just not one of your parents. True, I must admit I’m getting better at it, but when it is about my own life I am the worst one too listen.

As things are settling in and I get the feeling of belonging here and in this place I might find my inner voice and start to listen, or maybe get a clearer picture of what my life should be like. We create our world, and sometimes we let someone in to lend us a hand. But as in reality sometimes that hand goes away and you find your self with a walking stick, to lean on and feel safe. At least it doesn’t expect you to make breakfast in the morning.

a lovely Easter Sunday

Easter Sunday, and the sun just peaked through the clouds, what a difference compared to the one last year, where we were walking in shorts and sitting outside. Sure I can sit outside have my breakfast, but I am afraid that by the time I am back with the coffee from the kitchen my egg is frozen solid.

This spring is a late and might I say a cold one. Behind the glass inside its comfy warm and it makes me feel lazy, that while knowing that there is some work to do. Just that here on the couch I feel like I want a break and do nothing, cuddle with the pillows on the couch, sunshine on my face and just listen to the songs on the radio. Too lazy even to get up and make lunch, why? I have fresh coffee and a bowl of chocolate eggs. Yap, bad for the hips, but so amazing good, for my mood. As days come and go so have the last weeks, since my last post.  Every time I plan on writing something I even downloaded an app, so I can write when I am not at home or in reach of my laptop. But as plans do, they fall apart sometimes, again a sign, I am alive and just like so many more people around me.

While I have to travel to work and home again so many things go through my head, and I can only try to put some of them on paper, and or in a blog. Try as I may, it doesn.t happen as much as I want. Apart from writing about what I see, hear, notice, remember or feel, I am experience a change in a few things. It’s different in a few ways, things I normally would not give a second thought keep lingering on and I noticed, I might even give it a new thought, weigh the options or reconsider.

We are not to always look back, but look into the next day, week, month or as we can name it; future! The more I try to look the more it looks like my agenda, planning ahead. Do I really want to book an appointment for feelings? To me that is a step to far. But it feels like it is the thing to do, I just don’t want too. We work, and relax and in between we try to call it life? What the hell happened here? I lost track of the moment where I just woke up turned around and thought, this is a great day! Kissed my man and got up to make breakfast and just let the day happen. Now it is one appointment after another or things we need to do, just because.

Now I do not miss being a couple, because I can do as I please, and although I have some appointments the time in between them belongs to me, and I do not plan nor have an agenda. I am back to let it happen. Maybe because retirement is just around the corner. Getting use to not having to go to work, to start with. Can I handle this much freedom in the coming years? I know for sure that I won’t miss the early mornings; well that’s what I think for now.

But I have been proving wrong before! So I think best; to just let it all happen and see where things take me when the time comes. Love one other unstable factor, last week I had to find out that I can keep falling in love with the “wrong” guy for all the “good” reasons. A look, a touch, and he is back in my head and heart, I can’t put up mu defenses, trust me I try! He is too important in; let’s say what I call “me”. Whether he knows it or not, I actually don’t care anymore! Too me the energy I get from holding his hands the few moments together; it’s more than enough. All the other things we see as natural included in this kind of happiness, I brush aside as I do get my happiness from him. Seeing him riding a bike, walking over and that one kiss to say hello, it all looks so simple if I would watch from a distance, but what I feel just receiving this kiss; it’s with nothing I can compare. We only spend a few minutes together each time we meet, and yes, I do notice the change in him, the effect of the big city, but when we are together he is still my man, that is how and what I feel. He is a chameleon, and changes his ways more than one, but for me there is only one thing I listen to, the drummer in my chest, and it beats the loudest when he is around.

In the end I might just be found in the box of unanswered love, but for me it is fine now, time to let things be the way they are, when I feel this inside I might just want to cherish it and listen to the music of my heart (poetic freedom!). In all its weirdness it feels ok, and I leave him after a few minutes and I feel peace inside. No longer do I need to sleep with him, or worry where or with whom he is playing another game, as that seems to be his nature and his way. Egoistic I take from it what warms me and makes me feel special. I truly believe I found love, and instead of losing it completely I keep it at a distance where I can sometimes recharge and embrace the moment and the energy. I seem to find harmony in not being together all the time and I no longer feel that falling in love again and again as pain. But I am not going to tell him that.

Some things I keep to myself, like my spare moments to do as I believe is best for me, I have my friends and family, they give support, knowingly and unknowingly. He feeds me with the warmth and energy of the love we once shared, and know can call my own.

Where Easter is about new beginnings and the start of all things new and full of energy, I can join in, as I found the thing that makes me aware of love, and how good it feels, let’s be great full for that, and maybe I can, in the future pass some of my “wisdom” on to the new generations of my family and be a loving uncle.

As long as it will last I will at least be a loving husband even though it is not clear for all parties involved…

Out with others

The grey and cold after a pleasant warm and sunny day out and about. Out to be getting some more impressions and understanding of what other percive of being gay within the armed forces.

After a session to find out what love is we ended to talk about boxes we all think in or are placed in. Listening and sometimes participating or even defending my view i found out that i am a minority within this pink orrientated group.

What is love? I wish i knew, i truly wish i did! I can tell you what it means to me or how i feel when i am enjoying it or loose it. But to put my finger on it? As different as we are from one another so do we understand and feel love. From the young and the old around me in this group i noticed that almost all are living within the area, i most avoid. It seems that i do live my life on a different track. One of the guys today told me that he never spook to a person who was so besides the main stream, but that it made him think and he found respect for my way and the way i live. To me that was something like a compliment and it made me feel good. He might not like it but as a twentysomething year old he tried to understand it. I probably supprised him with not critising him for his fetish and not seeing him as a weirdo. From my point, looking at him i respect him for his views and the way he lives his life.

Being together with this group makes me think about a few things of the past and even a little of the future. Mistakes i have made and some choices, overal i am glad i did, today it feels ok. Why things are the way they are, maybe simply " because". It does however make me look at my husband again only to realize that what i did was the wright thing to do, if i had changed more of my life just to suit him, i, for sure, would have been miserable. The way he lives his life, like some of the people in this group do and defend, it would drive me nuts, like it did in the last 24 hours, i am now on my hetero sexual break from the group. As weird, different or plain normal this bunch of people might be around me here in this lunchroom, i need them to breath. Life can be very colourful but we have to look to notice, why look for the pink element in things when there is a rainbow outthere i do love so much. No, i amfor sure not straight, but i need a big part of it in my life. As i need german and english elements in it and even some arabic ones. My life gets it's flavor from so many people and places in my life and world, but lollypop pink doesn't seem to be part of it.

Not every day i find myself happy and content about how things are in my life, but i live my life. From what i feel today things are fine. There is possibly still a long way to go but i am getting there in my time.

There was a time where i would like to feel the happiness everybody seems to have, a partner maybe even kids, and a few things more. But sitting here alone,having a sneak peek at the rest here, i can not help but smile and know i am ok, i am fine. Far from a completed journey through life, but at least it is my life. For the past 24 hours they have tried to analize sheer hapiness within a person, just to either label him or her or for just some strange reason put it in a box. Let me tell you i am happy in my box being simply happy or even sad at times. But i have a box with windows and when i look outside i can see a wonderfull ever changing world. A world that one sunday morning did not excist because ifound and felt love. I am gratefull to have felt it, if only once maybe, but i still remember every goosebump and it truly felt like the sun was shining at night!

Even falling in love with the wrong guy, or not the best match, it was he, he who did make me feel that way! Often did i ask myself what his feelings were, but how can i? He was asleep when love struck me, and while i put my hand on his chest i felt a heartbeat that made the loudest noise but the best music i ever heared.

The more this becomes a distant memory the more blessed i feel with having had it, as i now mirror my thoughts of love against it and hope i can, one day, explain this to some one and hope he or she will have an oppertunity like that too, for it is a treasure my life feels empty without.

Who knows maybe one day i can talk to my young nephews and nieces about it and give them some advice on the path of life, as love needs to be found, or simply just happen.

in between seasons

The days between winter-grey and spring-green, they have arrived. Over the last week we have seen sunshine and some foggy grey days. Together with the changing in days, temperatures and whether to wear a coat or not so do our emotions.

The feelings of winter, wanting to cuddle in front of a fireplace or going out into nature and let the sun play with your skin. Are we going out or stay in? It seems the season or at least the week of ups and downs. Luckily I was too busy to go with all natures mood swings.  Being ill for 2 weeks there was enough work on my desk to keep me busy all day in the office and travelling to and from work needed getting use to again. Result early nights and not in the mood to do anything in the evening.

Seems that it is about time to get moving and do something, brain and body are in need of attention. Opening the windows in the house makes it possible to get some fresh air into the house, but I need to get going to get some fresh air through my lungs and get my head around moving on, and stop hibernating. Even though I am very comfortable doing it.

As the leaves are appearing on the branches I need to awake something inside me to get spring stating in my step, and in my life. You would think that spring might bring some new things, but it seems I keep mentally busy with the past. Too much as off lately. Could it be that the change in my life as I approach my retirement I am too busy thinking about the facts of life?

I have giving relationship forms a little more thought, and I looked around a bit more than I ever did before, only to realize that it is only good for more questions in my head. Why, how for what reason is people doing the things they do? It even seems that I am having more problems seeing the “gay way” off life.  Where I look, be it on the street or on TV or even a movie, almost nothing seems normal anymore. Have I lost it? The way to be gay? For some reason I hope not, but some things seem to be too much.

My work, career and lifestyle have kept me busy over the years that the result seems to be that I need plenty of time to adapt to “normal” life again. Home every day, a rhythm and the idea never to travel and be somewhere else again it seems not so easy to accept as I hoped for.

Would life have been different had I stayed home more and not wanted to use the world as a playground? Probably, but it does not help to think what if. This thought caught up on me seeing my husband last week. What if? But it doesn’t help because it is too late for what ifs and other scenario’s I or rather we have to focus on the right now. Even when I look into his eyes, it gives me a warm glow, and yes, I do know I still love this guy, I just literary wonder in that second how that can still survive after all that happened. Yes, love hurts, love is a crazy game and it surely messes with your brain and feeling. From all the things I miss, I do miss; waking up next to him, put my arms around him one more time before having to jump out of bed to make breakfast.  That little moment of peace in the world. Sure I notice that being on my own can be a good thing. The fact that my job took me everywhere and I had to do it on my own prepared me for living without someone, and also not having to take into account some one else’s wishes and demands. Now it is my world and my rules. They are for sure not perfect or without flaws but it is mine and I can do as I want or like. But sometimes I notice I want and like to be with him. My brain is telling me that in his life I have nothing we share in friends or life. He made his life and found his friends in places I would not go looking, to live a life I would not want or could deal with. Funny that I had to fall in love, and still am, with someone who blooms in that kind of life.

For now, let’s focus on spring and the first rays of sunshine which are carefully trying to rip the winter clouds apart to give us all some much needed sunshine.

Glad to have seen the one I can still call husband, and in a way still glad I can feel these amazing things for a person, this only makes the season we just finished being the only really cold thing. As soon as the sun is out and I can get some sunshine on my body, swim in open water life will be a lot easier. 

For now, let the sunshine and me doze a little, for it is a Sunday afternoon.

Zapping........ Sunday

Sunday morning and still down with a flu I have nothing better to do than watch some TV and hope that it will get better soon.

It also means zapping from one channel to another hoping that something good will turn up, not that it matters as I can not concentrate long enough to sit trough a movie.

One of the channels I landed on was showing a travel report kind of program, aimed at the gay audience, it did not even take 5 minutes and I was annoyed. Really does the gay community have nothing better to do than show off? The presenter was almost to camp to be believed he can actually walk on a sandy lane without damaging his Prada loafers.

Sure we all are allowed to enjoy the money we make working hard for it, and I hope we all do, especially in these times.

On the other side I am not the average one, and maybe even too judgmental but sometime I am just thinking: why, why do they have to “over-do”, almost everything. Yes, we do make up as a group for being creative, inventive and we have some power people among us. Like every one we all look for places we feel comfortable and at ease with each other. But lately it seems that if you gay up, you can raise the prices too. We advertise gay travel, cruises, holidays and so much more, but compared with the nice hotel just around the corner, the prices are sky high. Is it truly so much better? Many paces are gay-friendly and still charge not over the top.

Lately a gay cruise was in the news because someone got killed, whether falling overboard or jumping him self, they used the word hedonism in the article. Many reactions were based on the picture where many topless men were shown they could not believe so many people would be on a cruise liner. In my mind it is a floating orgy. One company makes a ton of money and the guest seldom end up with the person they share the cabin with.

Not al gay man or woman are the same, but look on the internet, read the novels or simply look around, it looks like it is all about scoring, hunting and only hookup with as much as possible. To me it became shallower over the years and I began to hate it even more. Little has remained in the open of the guys and girls who are not part of this, and I feel like I am a world away from the group I belong too. It even cost me my relationship and my marriage because I do not want to give in to a group that’s surrounds itself with only likewise and in some cities even get a building or a neighborhood so they feel more protected. So we are part of society? We really fit in? It took years for the people that came before us to get us in to this society as being a normal part of it, to only find ourselves taking separated holidays, our own hotels, a whole money making, or should I say grabbing industry. Clearly I am not the only one noticing this, but is living in a gay world worth the extra dime for the bigger part of our community? It seems it is.

Weird that a few minutes on TV can make me feel like this, but perhaps I am on that side of the river where looking at “Gay-Country”, doesn’t look al that greener or peachy. I do like color in my life, but in this case I prefer to stay the grey mouse, and try to find happiness in a less colorful but maybe cheaper and realistic way.

Maybe I am just not gay enough……. Oooohhhh well lets not complain and just go on with life.

love a never ending circle

A foggy night outside and it looks like something out of a Dickens story when I look down the street, where somewhere in the grey wet soup, a street lamp is spreading its weak light.

Cold and wet is all I can feel, walking the street up to my front door, how miserable the world can be……. Or maybe just the weather. I think a lot of that feeling depends on what we want to do with it. In the end it is only fog, nothing more, nothing less. But god what we can do with it when we feel that nothing turns out to be ok in our lives.

No fear, I just felt cold and wet and that in combination with the flu I am fighting, not really a very nice walk.

Just had a talk, or what ever we call it when we use Skype, but anyway, he had positive news today and it only took a second to think about the person he loves and realizing they had no future to bring him down to major misery. Love, a simple four letter word, but powerful in al its meaning. Seeing him online and listening to him I couldn’t wonder if I sound the same, at my age. Haven’t I learned anything in the end? Not only is love being talked about in a positive or negative way, but it seems to never end. So how come these self-help guru’s make tons of money from it?

Listening to him, passing my advice, offering my help, I just repeated what my friends told me, or better yet, still tell me. In the time we had record players we could at least blame the needle for being stuck somewhere and repeating the same part of the song again and again. Now, now we can only blame ourselves. But is there anything like good advice when it comes to love? We all love in different ways for our different reasons, I now find myself trying to explain to this youngster that at 23 he loves in a different way and he can not expect the other to love him in the same way for the same reasons. It seems to be a hard thing to understand. While at the same time wondering; did I myself have that? Shamefully the answer is no, and I only found that out just now. About time I hear someone think. Sure I know there is something to blame for things not working out. But do we have to blame the person for having another perception of what love means to him or her? I don’t think that would be fair. Working on a relationship, does that mean we only want to change the others way of thinking about love to more match our own ideas?

Love a cruel thing, to happen to anyone. But to quote someone; even if it last 2 seconds, the feeling is fucking amazing. Another truth! So we do it al for goose bums, an upset stomach and sleepless nights. What a weird species we are. And we have t nerve to call it civilization? We must be joking.

What ever I might think of it now, I also feel the pain and the happiness and even though I could do without the pain, it is part of the big game. Now however it is about keeping this young man on the path to a better future, not having this pain destroying his job, his turn to become someone better. To get away from the past and start a life, where, and I can only hope, he will get the chance to make something out of the things handed to him.

From where I am in life I can watch and be there for him in case he needs to talk, I don’t know if he listens to a word I say as he is young and from a totally different background, but for what it is worth there is someone out there he can reach. With my track record not the best advice, but who knows maybe he pick up on something where I didn’t or not wanted.

For as it stands there is not an app for it at the moment……

Days fly while iceskating.......

February is almost gone and March is knocking on my door, I wonder where the time has gone, it feels like yesterday the last time I posted something online.

Somehow things are slipping through my fingers, and I do not notice it.

Trying to do better or write more just seem like things I imagine. Must try harder, let that be a mental note, and I hope I read my notebook sometimes.

Winter has happened and the world became white and cold, the ice solid and people going crazy for a round of skating on natural ice. And it did get cold! But it was something that felt like history a life around me, something that I recognize from days long gone by. But not only to me it felt like good old times other people also had these feelings and watching kids, grown ups and even old people on the ice for a few days the world did not change as from my childhood memories. It felt good, comfortable and apart from a danger to traffic or even crossing the ice, there was this atmosphere of all is ok. True the weirdest of things just because we have a cold few days in winter, but it is something that never changes, if doesn’t depend on mobile phones, pc’s or other modern toys, gadgets or gismo’s.

Old-fashioned but so much fun and one of the few things we call living memories, history even perhaps.

Other than that the flu got me and after a week I thought I was done with it, hell no it came back with a vengeance. So again I am home, with sprays, powder and pills to get me through the day. Nasty seasonal greetings from Mother Nature. Thanks mam!!!!

Next to having a cold I do not feel happy in general, don’t know why, think the autumn of my life is knocking and I opened the door and let it in. we all talk about it but it does happen, and it feels real, of other stuff I am just tired! Somewhere deep inside me I want to close things, emotions, feelings and other personal stuff. Trying to come to turns with things that happened but let me with an understanding of a few things in life.

Navy might be more in my blood as I ever thought I would be possible, the more I realize that my active navy days are well behind me, I can not (yet) settle in my everyday thing, or routine. The more I see the new generation being trained ready to go to sea and have adventures, or simple be away from home, I feel like I am not there yet, not the right time to say it all farewell. But I have to and I must, fighting is of no use as the days are getting less and less till I have to close the door behind me and become the outsider.

Suddenly I have more respect for my dad, he closed the door and lived his life, and he moved on, this man was strong. I do have a little over 2 years before the gates will close behind me for the last time and I will step into the world a different man. Yes I know, I will be different and even in those few months remaining things will change. What ever happens around me I do notice it and every time I switch on the TV, watch the news and see images of places I have been I wonder if I am ever going to see them again. I can truly be thankful for all I have seen and all I was able to do, the friends that I met and the people I loved and still love. All that and more shaped my life and when in the end I close my eyes for the last time, I can smile as I did have fun, and I do hope some more days of fun lie ahead. In a few weeks I will be an uncle to a new family member and who knows I will be able to teach her something about all that is possible. Over the months I grew closer to my family, my brothers and sisters with their kids and I am happy. He might not always realize that I am still there for him but I am still there for the love of my life. What ever he will do or where he will go I will be there in case he needs me.

Even though I hate to be alone and would prefer to be with someone I am also aware that it is possibly not going to happen anymore, so many things are getting stuck in my life that I need what ever I can get in freedom from somewhere else and I am afraid that that would not make a good husband. On the other hand I am tired, too tired of starting again and it is too late to correct a few things to make it al easier. So I hold on to what I have in friends and family and put my energy into myself and my home, so I can come home after my last day in the navy in a couple of years and truly come home. Look around and find something else to do for a few days a week. Become a different man who hopefully will not look back on his past to much and with to much bitterness. May it all be sweet, sweet memories for most of the time!

Valentine's blessing or App?

Can tell me someone that why in the deepest pain people can write amazing novels and great love songs? The only thing I want to do I smash about everything, great feeling, yeah SURE!!!!

My god true love is a bitch, and she keeps biting me in the ass! thought I was over a few things many, many months ago, well it seems its back.

Feel like haunted, I do know I had my love-of-a-lifetime, but also realized that it was a very narrow one way street. So can someone tell me why it still feels this way? Probably not, and I have to find my own way out of this, well at least in some sort of way make it not return every other month, when I just got “over’ it.
Valentine’s Day is just around the corner and this year it seems not to affect me, weird an it is, or is it this feeling that I have been feeling recently? Is this why it came out of the box again?

No I am not planning on sending a card or flowers or any kind of present, I will just go to work and have a normal day at the office. To many valentine’s have passed and many presents are send but none received, so keeping the money to spoil myself, which I already did, hence I am the proud owner of an Ipad 2. I’m in love with that so the feeling is not fully lost.

Outside it is winter and inside I just wish the warmth was back in my bed, other than the electric-blanket. It’s so nice to just wrap your arm around someone and feel warm and care not for what happens outside.

Well even when he was here this was seldom, as we had to rush to the gym, and god knows what. He could sleep at times where his company was wanted and he couldn’t sleep when an hour was more than wanted. Next to that there were more contradictions, which I think are noted in earlier postings. But in the end he is still missed, for just being there, and being the person who almost never sees the light of day. That person that not has to pretend all is fine and happy, rich or super-gay.

He is settled in his ways and he will always deny that things are not the way he thinks they are, which is weird as in work he is amazing but in his life, present and past he is lost, but in a way that every thing he thinks off  or imagines thinks really happened.

For me it is been something that bothered me for a long, long time. With that in my mind I am able to look ahead and await new things, and trust me I can not complain. Just these moments when the bitch is back, than I hate him, for having it happening to me again.

I can go over it again and again and hope one day it will be gone, but I know that will not happen and as he has to come to terms with his life so do I with mine. Me, well I have been in love, true love, he felt something, mostly himself I fear, and he moved on. Sure he talks and remembers, but he has said so many things to me and so many others before me that I am afraid he doesn’t know any longer what simple being in love is. It fades as doe s the dark blue color on a new pair of jeans and somehow he wants things that have everything to do with being gay, and nothing with true life and love. But that is my way of seeing it; he probably sees it as true life. From what I know of him, there is still that person but every time deeper and deeper away from the surface, and that person has my love I think for eternally.

So Valentine go and visit the neighbors, I have found true love, and know where it shelters from reality. Chocolate I have all year round like flowers. Thanks for the effort, but I rather have a free app!!! (Painless as they come)