April showers

Every time i think of writing a piece for my blog, it just doesn't happen. I do need to get my head around it.

the last week have been busy with LGBT work and trying to organize some activities with some of the other members of the team. Although they come to parties in great numbers, here where they actually have to do something it is quite a different matter. But if we just get them motivated it should get some attention from the others.

On the private side of things, well still the same old story I fear, it just seem to be a love that I can not get over from and not live with. Waking up at night I still miss the body to take in my arms, where as during the day I do not miss the person to take care of or take into account. The weird balance of love, the part that needs it and the notion of things I can very well do without.

Indeed love is a weird thing, it seems not only god moves in mysterious ways.

As marriages and relationships around me are ending in good and bad ways I wonder; why do I hang on in there? Is there still the hope that all will be OK, someday? Where as a fact I am not getting any younger. Compared to others who are “working”things out, I still feel privileged that we at least didn't had to go through painstakingly walking around each other. So much I can handle and so much I can be without. These are friends and although I feel I should show my support and be there for them I can not do it. The energy they are soaking up and to be careful what to say or to do when a “situation” seems to be developing is killing me. I get so tired just trying to not shout or just smash their heads together. Wake up and smell the coffee, its tea!!!! true they are there to listen to my troubled love life, for what ever is left of it. To me it is simple, I do love my (still) husband more than he will ever know or understand for that matter. No longer do I expect him to wake up from his gay-dream-life hopes and fears. He is to far gone, it became his nature. What ever he provides, or attempts for that matter is a fake believe of what things should be like. The big show is on, just not on cable or on local stations. As I am more involved in the pink things I see more and more around me and I can just wonder where am I? In fact I am just not pink enough, I still need my hetero moments. The whole gayness is a big pill to swallow, no one seems to read the label, and is not aware that it can be addictive and in some cases leads to stupidity and might even result in death.

Some of them consider my life dull and without fun, but I get tired of trying to keep up with all that is hip or to do, showing of and not being able to do, speak or just be who you are on the inside.

While having my coffee and watching the rain from my living room, I am content, still missing my hubby, but content. Somewhere in the near future we will divorce and the legal separation will be done, but I know that he will never leave that place inside me, be it my heart or my head. From time to time I am still sad of this loss, these periods become shorter as life is passing me by, but they still surprise me when they show up. These time I am sad and I let it happen, it belongs to the part of me that is still loving him, for the person he is when he doesn't speak, pretend or tries to be someone he really is not, when he sleeps next to me and has his breakfast and is just in his bathrobe the man I married.

Gone are the days where I wondered if he would think the same, which I have to realize he didn't as his fantasy about so many things became stronger than reality. Still that doesn't stop me loving him. Comparing others to him is something I am not able to do, as he left me with so many things he probably didn't plan or is not even aware of he has. His facade to the world gets bigger and bigger as does his believes in it that it is all true and happening. What life must be in his mind, to me it is all so shallow and fake, that I have a hard time believing him when he talks, as I look in his eyes to see the man I see, and to have a few moments with the one I love, a few seconds where I do not listen to his voices other that just notice the sweetness of it and picture him again close to me as we once had. Than reality kicks in, I leave and take with me my husband as I love and remember. The shell I leave behind, and I know that loving him is easy, living with him not an option, but at least I had a moment with my man. Until the next stolen one!