The grey and cold after a pleasant warm and sunny day out and about. Out to be getting some more impressions and understanding of what other percive of being gay within the armed forces.
After a session to find out what love is we ended to talk about boxes we all think in or are placed in. Listening and sometimes participating or even defending my view i found out that i am a minority within this pink orrientated group.
What is love? I wish i knew, i truly wish i did! I can tell you what it means to me or how i feel when i am enjoying it or loose it. But to put my finger on it? As different as we are from one another so do we understand and feel love. From the young and the old around me in this group i noticed that almost all are living within the area, i most avoid. It seems that i do live my life on a different track. One of the guys today told me that he never spook to a person who was so besides the main stream, but that it made him think and he found respect for my way and the way i live. To me that was something like a compliment and it made me feel good. He might not like it but as a twentysomething year old he tried to understand it. I probably supprised him with not critising him for his fetish and not seeing him as a weirdo. From my point, looking at him i respect him for his views and the way he lives his life.
Being together with this group makes me think about a few things of the past and even a little of the future. Mistakes i have made and some choices, overal i am glad i did, today it feels ok. Why things are the way they are, maybe simply " because". It does however make me look at my husband again only to realize that what i did was the wright thing to do, if i had changed more of my life just to suit him, i, for sure, would have been miserable. The way he lives his life, like some of the people in this group do and defend, it would drive me nuts, like it did in the last 24 hours, i am now on my hetero sexual break from the group. As weird, different or plain normal this bunch of people might be around me here in this lunchroom, i need them to breath. Life can be very colourful but we have to look to notice, why look for the pink element in things when there is a rainbow outthere i do love so much. No, i amfor sure not straight, but i need a big part of it in my life. As i need german and english elements in it and even some arabic ones. My life gets it's flavor from so many people and places in my life and world, but lollypop pink doesn't seem to be part of it.
Not every day i find myself happy and content about how things are in my life, but i live my life. From what i feel today things are fine. There is possibly still a long way to go but i am getting there in my time.
There was a time where i would like to feel the happiness everybody seems to have, a partner maybe even kids, and a few things more. But sitting here alone,having a sneak peek at the rest here, i can not help but smile and know i am ok, i am fine. Far from a completed journey through life, but at least it is my life. For the past 24 hours they have tried to analize sheer hapiness within a person, just to either label him or her or for just some strange reason put it in a box. Let me tell you i am happy in my box being simply happy or even sad at times. But i have a box with windows and when i look outside i can see a wonderfull ever changing world. A world that one sunday morning did not excist because ifound and felt love. I am gratefull to have felt it, if only once maybe, but i still remember every goosebump and it truly felt like the sun was shining at night!
Even falling in love with the wrong guy, or not the best match, it was he, he who did make me feel that way! Often did i ask myself what his feelings were, but how can i? He was asleep when love struck me, and while i put my hand on his chest i felt a heartbeat that made the loudest noise but the best music i ever heared.
The more this becomes a distant memory the more blessed i feel with having had it, as i now mirror my thoughts of love against it and hope i can, one day, explain this to some one and hope he or she will have an oppertunity like that too, for it is a treasure my life feels empty without.
Who knows maybe one day i can talk to my young nephews and nieces about it and give them some advice on the path of life, as love needs to be found, or simply just happen.
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