Happy New Date (again)

A huge misconception that people have is that dating is easy for a Gay man. So many friends right now, are trying to play cupid and get the only two Gay people they know together as a couple. I mean, why not? They have so much in common: They’re both Gay. This is far from the case. In fact, Homosexual Dating is MUCH MORE COMPLICATED than Heterosexual Dating. For example: When a man meets a woman in a bar/club and they go out for drinks the next day, there is no question that it’s a date. When a Gay man meets another and they go out for drinks the next day, that’s NOT a date, they’re just “hanging out.”

What the fuck is “Hanging Out?!”

This is the kind of semantic nonsense we have to deal with that straight people do not. Other examples are “Friends First”, “Friends with Exes” and “Antiquated Gender Role” bullshit that plagues gay culture. Don’t get me wrong, dating women is no walk in the park. However as a man who has dated women in the past, I can tell you that it is in no way full of many variables and complications as when dealing with Gay men.

You only need to briefly scour the many profiles on Gay dating sites to discover the laundry list of requirements Gay men place on one another. The most disturbing part about this is that MOST times the men are demanding prerequisites in others that they themselves do not even meet. Guys seem to all want this perfect fantasy “Superman” that they’ve created in their minds to “save” them, that more likely than not doesn’t even exist. No one is perfect, not even yourself.

Look into the mirror and honestly ask yourself if you are worth the effort. You say yes? Now look at your cell phone…is it ringing off the hook with potential dates? No? You have your real answer…All jokes aside, no one is attractive to ALL men. We all have different tastes and preferences and something as simple as a poorly chosen tattoo around a belly button can soften even the hardest penis of a masculine gay man. Focus on depending on more than your appearance and you’ll find that more quality men will emerge.

No one likes fruit and vegetables that aren’t ripe yet. No one likes undercooked food. Many gay men see anyone 25 and younger as disasters waiting to happen, with good reason. At that age they are like horny puppies humping the first legs they see. It eventually passes with time, but not before they’re potentially all used up. Alternatively, “Desirable Gay” seems to have an expiration date. After 27 years old, you’re like an old loaf of bread: your edges start to harden until you are 40 and you’re ready to just be thrown into the trash. This is how many gays view older men. I say all this to say, there is an ageist attitude amongst Gay men that goes both ways (pun intended). This reason has no solution. It all comes down to what your intentions are for the potential relationship and how thick your skin is for potential rejection.

Gay men are obsessive about “sexiness” and the beauty of the male physique. This is a fact of life that has been around since the days of homosexuality amongst the Romans. It will not change. So it may be time to become more like the “Statue of David” and less like the “Statue of Buddha”. Don’t get me wrong. If weight is a constant struggle, don’t risk your health by utilizing crazy diets and unsafe juice-fasting techniques. Also, I know there are men out there that are really into “thick” guys. However, they are often few and far between. Ironically, even many chubby guys that don’t mind dating other men with a few extra pounds often get rejected because they are not “sexy” with six-pack abs and muscles. Once again, you have men desiring what they themselves are not even offering in return.

Believe it or not, you can actually be TOO in-shape. Admittedly, I’m not into muscle guys. True, some of these men can be nice to look at and/or have a one night stand with…but that doesn’t mean I would want to date them. Many guys such as myself are not interested in being with these overly muscular guys who drink protein shakes at the club…Okay, that was an exaggeration but not by much. Also, I’ve talked to many guys that feel intimidated by men all ripped and cut up. They say it makes them feel insecure to take off their own clothes eventually when it comes to intimacy. Lastly, many muscular men that I’ve known tend to put their standard for fitness on the other men they meet, causing a lot of disappointment. There’s a reason that you can’t find another masculine gay man who has also been going to the gym 6 days a week for the last 10 years. They’re rare.

This one boggles my mind. So many men who WANT relationships have told me that they’re not looking. The old adage, “you’ll find a match once you stop looking for one” is holding you back. Nothing ever gets sold if you don’t advertise that it is for sale. You have to be proactive in your search much like you would in looking for employment. No one ever says, “You’ll find a job once you stop looking for one.” On the flip side to this, some men you meet will say “I’m not looking for a relationship right now” but what they really mean is, “I’m not looking for a relationship WITH YOU.” Accept this and move on to someone who actually has the same goal in mind as you.

Let’s face it: Some guys just don’t want a relationship. From the many stories I’ve heard, Gay relationships can be messy, complicated and full of unnecessary drama and aggravation. Some men can’t do commitment even in the process of trying. It’s as if their brain is monogamous but their dick is the philanderer. To each his own. If you are the type of man who prefers to be single, remain that way.

I’ve met quite a few of these. These clingy relationship types often expect monogamy after your first date. They can be seen sending you “Good Morning” text messages daily the night after meeting you for the first time. They start planning for your future together before you even learn each other’s last names. Look, there’s nothing wrong with getting excited once you’ve finally found a man that meets your laundry list of standards and requirements, but there’s no faster way to run him off than to let him know you’ve already started picking out the drapes for your new home together after only a few dates.

This is the main reason that has kept me single for a long time. (and a few little other ones). I seem to have a knack for meeting great men at the wrong time. From meeting him while I’m dating another guy, meeting him when I’m single but he’s in a relationship, meeting him when he’s just getting out of a relationship and he still hasn’t severed his feelings for his Ex, meeting him just as he’s cutting off all dating to focus on work, to meeting the perfect guy right before he’s about to move to the another country…My timing sucks. What I’ve learned to do is to just lower my expectations. I’ve tried to meet a few guys (discreetly) and develop quality friendships at the least so that my network can be widened, thus creating more opportunities to meet quality guys in the future.

And who knows what the future holds? ( I have a strange urge to shout happy new year…..)

building a man from the friendslist

Many of us look back on our dating past and wonder how on earth we could ever have considered romancing men so incompatible. But new research has found that this is perfectly normal, revealing that man’s tastes change as they get older and proving that there is indeed a ‘perfect gay man’ for every stage in a man’s life.

From bright young things on the hunt for a hunk to ‘later daters’ looking for a cerebral soulmate, the research shows that a man’s age will often dictate the different characteristics they look for in a partner. When we first start dating we carry over the desire to fit in and belong from our adolescence, and seek approval from our friends to validate our choices.  We are building confidence at this age, and it’s important to us to know that we are choosing well. As we grow in confidence and invest in our own careers, partners who are doing the same become very attractive to us. And while we’re young and sexy it is natural that we want our dates to reflect this aspect of ourselves as well. (Yes there are the exceptions e.g. daddy’s and twinks to name a few) This mirroring of ambition and looks reflects these years when we are consolidating our persona; working out who we are and what we want. Priorities shift as we begin to think of commitment and “family life”.

Men who are established, stable, and successful and have life experience become very attractive to men at a different age, offering the depth of resources (both material and emotional) required for successful partnership. (We are no longer in our twenties)

As we grow older and with hormone levels changing (Even when we don’t want to admit they change) they become more assertive, experimenting more and celebrating our wisdom. Man become prepared to take risks and perhaps seek out new adventures; they are not afraid to search for passion, but still understand that feeling secure is a vital ingredient for happiness. Suddenly subtle shifts in development create a well-rounded perspective on relationships, stressing the importance of friendship as well as sexual resonance. These men take the long-term view that commitment requires humor, intelligence and shared values to stand the test of time, meaning they are not prepared to settle for anything else. Having experienced different relationships, they know exactly what they want and, importantly, what they don’t.

As I (think) am somewhere in the middle of this all I was wondering after the recent days if I can build my Mr. Perfect from the man in my friend list, be it straight, bi or gay. Just to have a good selection I took my address book and my Facebook friend list.

Before I started I had to divide this task in two parts one for the looks and the second one for the personality. Let me tell you one thing I am glad that I don’t drink in the afternoon. This was far from easy.

Looking for a tall man, dark eyes, chest hair and strong legs not over muscular. And after 30 minutes I thought I did it, only to find out that something was missing. Not to mention that the person was tall in legs with a short torso and too much out of balance, it would be easier to be able to Photoshop…. So another try. Two cups of tea and some fooling around with pictures mostly from Facebook, I think I came very close. Seems I still like the Middle Eastern look. Well tall dark and handsome with a whiff of mystery.

Now the character. New dimension, I know all of my friends on Facebook and my address list so that makes it easier.  From a not too long list I ended up with 5 guys, who combined made Mr. Perfect, I just had to give each one of them a percentage to add up to a 100% satisfaction for me. The good thing next to the fun I had was to have a good look at the men on the sideline of what is my life and find out that they all mean something special to me, each in their own way, entertaining and educational each in their own individual way. They make for a lot of happiness and fulfillment in my life. I am a happy man, to have in a way already found my Mr. Perfect.

What makes a boyfriend

Yesterday I took the time and attempted to write a love letter, don’t know if it made sense but overnight I started to think about what next? What would my man have to be as a boyfriend, not aiming at the appearance but more the qualities, so I researched a little within the terms and brainwaves I like to have about relationships? Started with the plain listing of facts, writing them down and after that made my comments. Damn that took some time but I think I did a good job. To be completely honest I had to look into the mirror a few times and ask myself: “really?”.

It might not be perfect or even far from it but I think I grasped the basic, in the end it made me think a little bit more. Maybe tomorrow I might think of looks, I think I could make a nice one out of combine part of my friends, they are individuals with attractive features and not only on the outside. Well hell that’s the reason for becoming a friend. But first my “boyfriend thoughts”. I must admit I had to laugh a few times. So here we go:

A great boyfriend isn’t easy to find. And even if you do find him, almost always, he’s already in someone else’s arms. But have you ever wondered what really separates an average boyfriend from a great one? Well, there are a few qualities and traits that can help you figure that out. All of us have flaws, and it would be silly to believe that we’re all perfect. But almost always, these flaws aren’t really flaws. Sometimes, it’s just ignorance. A guy may just not know what another man likes, even if he tries to understand him or please him.

There’s the potential of a great boyfriend in every guy, if only he chooses to reflect within and turn himself into the man of your dreams.

If you have to look for the one big quality that makes a good boyfriend, it would be his will to communicate with you and understand you.

Relationships are built on communication and understanding.

If you’re dating a guy and even if he seems perfect to begin with, time can reveal cracks and flaws, differences and resentments, between the both of you.

Of course, now and then, no matter how hard you try to make a relationship work (remember it is not your second job in life!) with a boyfriend, he may just be too stubborn or unwilling to change. And in circumstances like these, it’s always better to just let go and find someone you find more compatible. (Sometimes you have to pick the car with the comfortable seats)

A great boyfriend loves talking to his man. He has interesting things to talk about even when there’s nothing new. And most importantly, he wants to understand you and he wants you to understand him. (Although silence can sometimes be so damn nice)

He’s active and has a fun life of his own. A great boyfriend is almost always a great guy too. He has an active social life, and gets along with people easily. He’s likable and has a warm aura about him that draws people to him. (Not too many and not too often, I want some attention too)

A guy may woo a man until he accepts to date him. (Ever been perfectly wooed? Please tell me all about it) But some guys take it easy as soon as they get the man. Don’t date a guy who takes a back seat and expects you to do all the work as soon as he wins your heart. He won’t change for you because he’s too self-centered and selfish. (Amen)

A great boyfriend is one who sees you, and knows you well. If a guy loves you and finds you fascinating, he’d be observant and would easily recognize something new in you.

Does your boyfriend ask you about your life every day? A good boyfriend is always interested to hear about his man’s life and the things he does every day. (Please give me a break sometimes!) It just means he misses you so much, and hearing about your day makes him feel like he hasn’t missed a moment of your life! (Nice thought but a bit cheesy in the end, I think)

He doesn’t pressurize you into doing something you don’t want to do. He may advice you and may try to convince you about why he believes something is right, but he won’t try to manipulate you or threaten you into doing something he wants you to do. (In my case the gym, that’s always been a breaking point, I decide when I think I am in the mood for some healthy torture!)

When two people love each other, they can’t help but try to bring out the best sides in each other. If your boyfriend loves you, he’d constantly try to motivate you and help you achieve your full potential instead of telling you that you’re incompetent or can’t do something. (I admit when I am not capable of doing something, over time I found my strong and weak points, love the initiative though)

A good boyfriend would always try to impress your friends and your family, even if he can’t get along with a few of them, because he wants them to believe he’s a great guy worthy enough of dating a sweet man like you. (Poor man, with my friends that’s a job for life, unless you make the perfect chocolate mousse)

No matter how busy he is or how occupied he is, he always makes time for you. He could sacrifice his sleep or stay up longer, but he’d want to be with you at least for a few minutes or hours. And that’s not because you’re nagging him, but because he misses you and your touch. (He better!)

He doesn’t ogle at other man in front of you. He never speaks about you in bad light to his friends.

 A great boyfriend is one who has goals in life and works towards achieving them. He doesn’t bitch and moan about how unfair life is. Instead, he grabs life by the horns and tries to make something great out of it.

A guy may be stubborn when it comes to his ambition and his determination, but he should never be stubborn when it comes to making decisions or making life plans with his man. Compromises and sacrifices are a part of making a relationship work in the long run. (These times it seems to be easier just to give up and move on to the next, there is an app for it I am sure)

He’d be willing to do something with you even if he hates it, if only to make you happy, especially if it means a lot to you.

A good boyfriend may want to spend all his time with you, but at the same time, he’d still give you the space to pursue your own dreams. As much as he loves you and misses you, he’d still want you to have a life of your own.

He goes out of his way to make you feel loved, by indulging in romantic gestures and words. He loves you and never ceases to show his love for you in little ways.

He grooms himself when he comes to meet you because he wants to look good in your arms. He even works out and stays fit because he respects you and wants to look his best for you. (And this list goes both ways so there is me hitting the gym, damn stupid lists)

A perfect boyfriend initiates and maintains an active sex life. He’s innovative and tries to keep sex fun because he realizes that sex is just as important as love in a happy romance.

He doesn’t backtrack on his words. He makes promises and keeps them. He’s in control of his life, and has firm principles in life.

Insecurities and doubts always have a way of cropping up in a relationship when there are secrets or lies. A great boyfriend doesn’t give you any opportunity to doubt him, and communicates with you frankly and avoids lying or keeping secrets that may affect the relationship. (Not easy in the gay life, but it is possible)

Dating a lonely guy may mean he would have a lot of time to spare for you, which may seem like a good thing. But if he’s abandoned or avoided by the rest of the world, there’s probably a good reason behind why no one gets along with him. Maybe he’s antisocial or needy, or perhaps he’s a manipulator or an aggressive guy. If the guy you’re dating is lonely, be wary before falling too deep in love with him, or you may end up feeling like a caged bird in no time.

A good boyfriend doesn’t think he’s a know it all. He’s always willing to hear you out and listen to your point of view completely before taking a decision, especially if the decision involves the both of you. (Note to self; need to work on that one)

A guy may seem like a great boyfriend initially. But as the months pass by, he may start to subtly and deviously control you one step at a time. If you notice even the slightest signs of controlling behavior in him, speak with him about it so he can change before it’s too late. 

A great boyfriend stays in touch all the time, and keeps you updated about his life. He doesn’t see the need to be secretive, nor does he avoid your calls when he goes out with his friends at night. (And you should not try to call him that often to check)

For you, he’s an open book and never ignores you or shuts you out of his life.

If your boyfriend really does love you and sees a future with you, he’d place you above everything else in his life. You’re the most important thing in his life, and everything else just takes second place.

a love letter long due

What is love? This question haunts the human psyche perhaps more persistently than any other. It has occupied our collective imagination for millennia, it has baffled scientists, taunted philosophers, and tantalized artists. So mystified by love were the Ancient Greeks that they itemized six types of it. But nothing defines it with more exquisite expressiveness than the love letter. At its best, it makes the personal universal, then personal again — a writer from another era or another culture captures the all-consuming complexity of love with more richness and color and dimension than we ourselves could, making us feel at once less alone and more whole in our understanding of love and of ourselves. So where is the app for it?

It has been a very long time since my last love letter, writing and receiving. Feels like ages ago. I wonder if I still can….. Maybe I should just give it a try, call it practice, just for the fun of it. Remembering how it made me feel writing one. Let me first picture my (imaginary man). Okay let’s give it a try,

My love,

For this moment only, I have come to realize, I want to give you, the miracle that's mine to give, my love. It’s the time to write and ask you this as time is passing me by and I want to waste no more, so there are a few things I want to ask you. Will you be there, for the rest of my time, make me a home?
Will you stay there and let your heart follow mine so it feels like we will be together for a moment that will feel eternally, and hold me for this moment only.

When I look at you I look at all that is good and safe in my world, a world where I used to fight my own battles and stood my ground. The moment I met you I felt like I could stand stronger with you, time was on my side that single moment I first looked into your eyes. Yes, it’s something surreal and might be straight out of a movie script, but I have learned to not underestimate moments.

The following weeks where we started to see more of each other started off a friendship, which became stronger with each passing moment together. The movies we went to, the dinners we had, the walks in the park, the times I looked into your eyes and for a moment drifted somewhere where time stood simply still. The time I noticed eyes can truly smile. It is safe to say we both know and feel there is something, something I would like to give a name and purpose.

Have you ever loved someone that makes you go silent when there should be words, where you do almost anything just to look into his eyes? Closed your eyes and dreamed he would be there, to try to find the words to explain it all?

What do I got to do to get you into my arms, to get you into my world, because thinking of you can’t make me sleep. I am trying to find those words but every time we speak they seem to don’t come out right.

I wonder what to say next or not to do, afraid of making a mistake, to keep you as a friend and to become my lover, it's tough this love thing. Even more when in the middle of the night all I can think of is you, does this has to be this tough? With only one heart it seems there are a thousand pieces that would come together and beat stronger because you would be in it, they are shouting out for more of you.

We have had a few months where we talked about all that is important, funny and even sad in and about our lives, so say something, I will be the one if you want me too.

There is no place I would not follow you, for now I am feeling so small, I am still learning to love, I need you to say something. In a way I am sorry I couldn’t get to you the last time we met, my feelings were fighting with my thoughts and in the end words were lost.

You got on the train and I waved goodbye after that simple kiss that still lingers on my cheek. I hate to see you leave and the same time it makes me happy because I get to say hello, again and again.

Here’s my letter to you in words I could not say, the words important for you to know, and I can’t wait for that moment, that one moment only to be with you and call you; “my love”.

so there it is, i wonder if it would do the trick. Maybe one day i will find out.....

from lover to friend

It’s another Sunday evening and the weekend draws to a close. This weekend I was supposed to visit a concert together with an ex but the concert was cancelled and instead we decided to go ahead with the meeting and I booked myself into the same hotel. Yet another ex from across the border. So I arrived late afternoon yesterday and after we said our hi and hello’s, I head to my room to unpack and after we met for dinner.

It’s been a good 12 years since I left the place we called home and never looked back, as too many things had happened. The life we had together was ruined and he was the one to blame, this time there were no two parties to blame, none of that. As is normal after a breakup we had there are a lot of things you just want to throw at him, and I don’t only mean words. My happy life was ruined and I had to pack up and go. Leave the country and prepare for a new start.

More than 12 years passed and the words that I wanted to say or the questions I wanted to ask have gone too. As friends we met and started talking and we had a great weekend. Looking at him I even wondered what I found attractive about him many years ago, other than the hairy chest. It too it seemed to have disappeared. Yes he looks the same after all these years but the magic did wear off. Big time. So it is true love has an expiring time and his one is up. He changed and in a good way I must say, but no more Disney effects, and I had such fond memories of them. I use to find him sexy whatever he was wearing and it felt great having him near.  But all was gone faded with time, left was a friend, and yes I can call him friend now. We shared memories and enjoyed spending time together while walking in Amsterdam. As friends do.

It made me again think about relationships and the thing we call love, proven many times it just might not be forever. Some things are and remain a fairytale, there is a reason for that. So what’s next? Well some have a neighbor over for the extreme cuddle but who has to leave for guest, others stay the night but need to be gone before breakfast. And some well some can hang on for a little longer, but in the end I will never promise again it will be forever.

My young friends might not always hit the jackpot but they do dream, sometimes about the forever love and sometimes just about another neighbor, but the keep on dreaming, I applaud that whole heartily.  They are ever more part of my story and my view of the world. My world, well it’s never a dull moment, not with them. We might not call every week but they remain only a thought away. They make it possible to look forward into this multi colored world and make me smile and sometimes wonder how they will make it to the next week with their new love interest. In the end it doesn’t stop them trying or me writing, I might even give them some sound advice or be the one that listen to them, but I do love them, each in their own way. After a weekend like this one I noticed that one changed from lover and partner to a friend, and loving a friends is so much more ecofriendly in the end, they might sometimes hurt you a little, but they also know how to make up, and once in my heart they are safe, and I have changed into a more forgiving person, and I am glad for it. The hurt has been enough over the years, why keep thinking of that negative thing that happened to end a relationship, a few years of happiness. I count my blessings and my great years with them all, friends and lovers for they made memorable moments, so many of them.