Relationships, they come with their ups
and downs and I admire the people only living on the up. Unbelievable
as it may seem, in my head.
Years ago it all looked so easy, find
someone, share, coordinate, communicate and live happily ever after.
Yeah, sure!!! that was going to happen …...... NOT.
I don't have to look far to see the
things that are possible in a couples life, and have my thoughts
about it. Like I mentioned earlier I have family and friends who
share their ups and downs with me. They also share their thoughts and
reasoning about divorce, love, sex, and the way they think life
should all be about.
I might not agree on their ideas and
visions but flavour makes for the best meals. When one doesn't deal
with love according to my rules I no longer shut them out but try to
listen and sometimes even “understand”. Trust me it's not always
easy, but in the end they are the ones going to sleep in their bed
together, they have to face the music in the morning.
My music in the morning and actually
all day long is selected by me and my mood, and that can be a
different one every day, but it is mine!.
The longer I live alone I notice that I
get less flexible in wanting to share, take responsibilities or want
someone else to tell me what to do or what to expect from me. If I
make mistakes I will be the one picking up the pieces or take the
fall and what ever consequences might follow.
In the long haul I like things to be my
way, mine, just mine. Not saying I don't want to be with someone and
have a great thing, just knowing its going to be harder, and not only
based on my age or looks. Over the years I grew into a difficult one
to please, this one is just to controlling sometimes, and ok I admit
to stubborn. Sure I can be mellow and I do have a heart, I have
learned to see others not according to my list, but see and look at
them as individuals, people with their choices. If they fall, they
get hurt, I can only lend a hand to get up and don't judge on their
graciousness of the fall, I should rather judge a diving competition
if I wanted to do that.
Sometimes it hurts me too, for some
people are very close to me and I try to avoid at all times the; “I
told you so”, monologue.
What I am looking for out there, I wish
I could define it and have a check list, but it isn't as simple as
that, I have found that when it gets to the point I am even more
pickier as hoped for, yes, even after all these years. I can be as
easily turned off as on nowadays, and that does frighten me
sometimes, I am no Calvin Klein model or a millionaire, and I come
with my own shortcomings but knowing and realizing that it doesn't
stop my in my process of finding the guy I want to spend time with.
With stuff going on in so many places
of this earth, the guys seeking a way out are sending you emails and
messages on many dating sites or chat-rooms, sure they look amazing
and they would make for a great waking up in the morning, or more
used term “arm candy”, but hey, what is really true about this.
In the end they leave and find someone their age, and even handsome,
and leave you the gate to the free world behind. Sure there might be
a slight chance it would work, but be honest, when would they idea
leave that it is not only for a new place to life? I am afraid it
will never.
Going through this process myself, I am
left with the thought and a memory it was all fake and a play that
went on to long, without getting the Broadway credits or ticket sale.
In the end I lost big on the investment, and I was warned, several
times. But when does it feel wrong when the feeling inside you is
amazing, where a heartbeat wipes away the feelings of wrong or right?
Ups and downs, they are part of life as
is rain and sunshine, summer and winter, next time all will be
different, I hope. Maybe I should just ask; “just stand there and
look pretty”.
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