Time for some coffee while accessing the internet and have a moment out and about. The weather is still grey and matching the season, inside the cafe it's warm, relax and not to busy. It's kinda my regular spot and not only the wine and coffee are great the waiter is pleasing to the eye too. He is not batting for my team, but it makes having a drink and a few minutes out and about much more agreeable.
The crowd inside is a mixture of young and old and even a family, wishing each other a happy new year and going on with their daily chatter.
It's a nice place whether it's summer or winter, and not like places closer to home, people are pushing their stuff and hoping you will leave soon. Here people are online and enjoying their drinks and the little bits of food. It's just as relaxed as the town it self, something I am trying to explain my local friends here. Sometimes it is hard to explain why you feel at home and mind and body go into a relax mode. Somewhere during the blogs from last summer I must have mentioned it, and it still feels great to be here. Over the past weeks I have not met many people or seen my friends, some days I have even spoke less than the few words at the checkout at the grocery store. Fine with me, it's only the time where I notice how loud it can be in my head. It's not a daily fight but it can be a little hard to muffle the sound the voices in my head make even more when they make no sense. Recognize it? The amount of thoughts one can have, it creeps me out once and a while.
Lately the voices were no longer tuned like a choir that needs training. It was something like a group teenagers on steroids. Logic only gets to me when I have a quiet moment, or when I make a moment to go quiet. Doubt, question or not trusting the feeling I have when I can not cal it instinct, these are moments I hate, but like a problem someone else has and need to be solved, it needs attention.
Knowing where the problems lies and not being able to kill the nagging in your brain, that bothers me. Sometimes it's no fun not having the solution, or to know a way to turn a bad thing around. Where I have succeeded I also have failed in the past and I feel that I still need to grow up. Looking around me at the youngsters here I admirer them sometimes, with all that lies ahead. But the truth here is I can only see it sunny side up because I have my history, be it the failed relationships, the inspiring friendships, heartache, pain and so many happy memories. Every cloud has a silver lining, one i try to see wherever I go. But when does this silver lining go into bling bling? When does this return into a fairytale or a horror story? Well I am still searching for it, hoping a answer will soon fall into my lap. For now the waiter just served me my second coffee and while walking away I must admit, he has a nice bum, would look even better in a blue short...... Already switching back to summer mood, or should I say advance? Wish I could already plan my days of summer here, looking forward to sunbathing and swimming and having even less work stuff on my mind. Another look around the room, and even receiving a smile from the young man in the corner working on his laptop, we are the only two typing away here.
No clue on what he is producing over there, but the fact that we both seem to be into the things we are writing creates somewhat of a bound, good enough for him to smile and me to nod my head in response.
At home I sit in the kitchen most of the time writing and in the living room thinking here I do most of it here, in the midst of people that just mind their own business. Maybe I should take my blogging more outdoors at home. I have plenty of time to do so when I am out for coffee. Who knows I just might try it next time.
On my way over here I was listening to some music and a bit of text got my attention. To love and feel it's ok, fulfilling and learning you what it feels to love, but just a moment later to realize that you are not sure you will be able to hold on. Nothing strange to me, the moment I saw him coming through the door, I knew it was something special. The first time we kissed, the feeling I had than, that is now the point I set as to measure what I feel about someone when it gets "romantic". Was the next thought the danger around the corner? How can I ever hold on to this? It turned out that this wasn't the feeling but more the person. Years late I have doubt whether he ver loved me or not, but it's more about what I felt and what I let happen to it. Both are responsible for a relationship, but one surely can go blind, or loose the focus on what truly matters. Over the years I have learned to speak and understand a few languages, learned to swim, drive a car, listen to people and try to make life worthwhile. One thing I know for sure I haven't mastered is staying in love, I can fall into it frequently but managing it is something from an other world when it concerns me. A part in my life is missing and I sure tried several time, for now it is not existing and if it will be three in the future, whole other story. Work and also my attitude has taken me to the place I am today, as a single or a divorcee what ever you would like to call, I have arrived. A spot next to me in bed is still empty, when I roll over because I need a hug, there is only this cold feeling of the empty pillow and space. When I do not know what to eat or not willing to go to bed at a certain time there is no one bothered by it. That seems to be the price for freedom, independence. It doesn't erase the memory of the moment I had it when my hand rested on his chest and I merely listened to his breathing to know he was sound asleep. The freedom in m y life comes at a cost, but I have to be honest, are the times I need my freedom more frequent as the times I need my hugs? It seems I am more attached to be free to go where I want, and to decide when I want to go to bed. I might be afraid to work on a relationship to keep it going, keep it interesting, I already have a job, I don't need another one. But what if one job ends? You might just need something else worthwhile, and I think while sitting here looking at the sea, my friend for all these years, I have a love, my love for things in this world, my friends and family.
The one who showed e what love can feel like, even when it went unanswered will never been forgotten. He might on the other hand never know what he meant to me and how he rocked my world in just a second. I received my wake-up call and even though the sky is grey and everything is in shades of it, life serves me colors of all kind now it is up to me to paint the future. Let's find my pallet and brush and start making one.
My coffee is finished and time to see my waiter and pay my bill, while doing so I found my first color, dark brown; the color of his eyes!
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