Just stand still and look pretty

Relationships, they come with their ups and downs and I admire the people only living on the up. Unbelievable as it may seem, in my head.

Years ago it all looked so easy, find someone, share, coordinate, communicate and live happily ever after. Yeah, sure!!! that was going to happen …...... NOT.

I don't have to look far to see the things that are possible in a couples life, and have my thoughts about it. Like I mentioned earlier I have family and friends who share their ups and downs with me. They also share their thoughts and reasoning about divorce, love, sex, and the way they think life should all be about.

I might not agree on their ideas and visions but flavour makes for the best meals. When one doesn't deal with love according to my rules I no longer shut them out but try to listen and sometimes even “understand”. Trust me it's not always easy, but in the end they are the ones going to sleep in their bed together, they have to face the music in the morning.

My music in the morning and actually all day long is selected by me and my mood, and that can be a different one every day, but it is mine!.

The longer I live alone I notice that I get less flexible in wanting to share, take responsibilities or want someone else to tell me what to do or what to expect from me. If I make mistakes I will be the one picking up the pieces or take the fall and what ever consequences might follow.

In the long haul I like things to be my way, mine, just mine. Not saying I don't want to be with someone and have a great thing, just knowing its going to be harder, and not only based on my age or looks. Over the years I grew into a difficult one to please, this one is just to controlling sometimes, and ok I admit to stubborn. Sure I can be mellow and I do have a heart, I have learned to see others not according to my list, but see and look at them as individuals, people with their choices. If they fall, they get hurt, I can only lend a hand to get up and don't judge on their graciousness of the fall, I should rather judge a diving competition if I wanted to do that.

Sometimes it hurts me too, for some people are very close to me and I try to avoid at all times the; “I told you so”, monologue.

What I am looking for out there, I wish I could define it and have a check list, but it isn't as simple as that, I have found that when it gets to the point I am even more pickier as hoped for, yes, even after all these years. I can be as easily turned off as on nowadays, and that does frighten me sometimes, I am no Calvin Klein model or a millionaire, and I come with my own shortcomings but knowing and realizing that it doesn't stop my in my process of finding the guy I want to spend time with.

With stuff going on in so many places of this earth, the guys seeking a way out are sending you emails and messages on many dating sites or chat-rooms, sure they look amazing and they would make for a great waking up in the morning, or more used term “arm candy”, but hey, what is really true about this. In the end they leave and find someone their age, and even handsome, and leave you the gate to the free world behind. Sure there might be a slight chance it would work, but be honest, when would they idea leave that it is not only for a new place to life? I am afraid it will never.

Going through this process myself, I am left with the thought and a memory it was all fake and a play that went on to long, without getting the Broadway credits or ticket sale. In the end I lost big on the investment, and I was warned, several times. But when does it feel wrong when the feeling inside you is amazing, where a heartbeat wipes away the feelings of wrong or right?

Ups and downs, they are part of life as is rain and sunshine, summer and winter, next time all will be different, I hope. Maybe I should just ask; “just stand there and look pretty”.

When friends guide you through the foggy patches of life

We are somewhere between mid-winter and spring and it seems not only nature is a little depressed, I have my own swing at it. After a long time coming it has arrived. My mind is tired and aches.

Always thought I could skip this thing, have happy thoughts and move on, but there comes a time this mental train will stop at your station. Well hello! Get on board we will be moving on........ think I missed the express, this feels more like a steam train, a lot of steam and no clear views.

Luckily I am aware that steam is only temporary it will disappear and the horizon will be back, so for the moment I might not see all I want to see, but at least I can see my feet and I know where to put them so not to stumble and fall over, for the road ahead there are the helping hands of my friends. In all life isn't that bad!

With some spare time on my hand, and no pressure other than the one in my cooker, I have all the time to catch up on movies and books (no not only my cook books) and I have noticed that I am dreaming a little more, might be the medication but it does happen.

When nothing is said and less is done during the day I notice I actually enjoy not talking to someone for a day, I can hear my thoughts more clearly, might I discover what truth 'think before you speak” is all about?

I am not without talk or even stories from my friends discovering their world, so I do have stuff to keep the grey matter busy ( I wonder if my braincells come in fifty shades too?)

it feels great to talk with them years apart and still we understand each other like brother and sisters, that’s the warm feeling needed in these grey days. My “little brother” in the south and “Tarzan” here in the north, they do make for some stories and things to think about.

When they say;”a picture paints a thousand words”, I wonder if the person thinking of this ever wrote a thousand words about it, did they?

Looking at my “jungle out there” friend, tall, fit and handsome, I do paint a mental picture, and maybe while writing this I have used a thousand words to tell his story, but I did have a thousand the first time I noticed him. Nor did I ever think we would get along the way we do now. Than I noticed youth, a smiling face, eyes that sparkled the way a young man should be heading out in the world, well we were actually about to go on a barge to be pulled through the Amsterdam canals. While on the boat for a few hours I had plenty of time to have a good look around, and felt the energy of the people on the boat and the crowds ashore, a happy canal-pride was the result.

Now Mr. Adventure and I talk about all kind of things, and while he goes out, twisting a knee in a jacuzzi or swinging from a chandelier, he talks, I listen and give it my twist, the fifty ways of gay. He makes for these moments where a smile can hurt and a my brain skips a few corners. This is a situation where words paint a thousand images, I think in pictures. Over the year I have found that I love to hear his little moments travelling the great gay trail, sometimes wishing I had to possibilities when I was his age, but equal times thinking; god I am happy not to have these doubts, ideas or mishaps be it in the jacuzzi or on a swing. Being “Tarzan”, “Dr. Hump-a lot”, or what ever name I sometimes give him, by talking I unravel the world according to my brainfarts...... it makes it a more pleasant one to walk. Being twice his age I sometimes have to think twice as hard where to place it in my mind or how I can use this in a blog, because he, and not only he, rattle the little cage that is stuck upon my shoulders.

Apart from the “exotic” stories we talk about us and we have no boundaries, we truly are like brothers, open, direct and we listen, listen in the way you do to understand, learn or advice. Not every word is being reflected but I am happy I can listen and he listens, or rather they do, it makes my life a lot nicer because of them.

We do have priorities in life and we value some people more than others, and I have learned to be honest in these things. Friends do come into your life to add, sometimes they are suppose to leave and others are here to stay, the ones leaving are just making space for the ones you haven’t met yet.

I might not see everything at the moment, but I am not worried, my friends know where to look when I can not, so I can feel secure in the fog! Thanks guys!

If i showed you who i am, would that help?

Seconds, hours, so many days

You know what you want, but how long can you wait?

Every moment last forever.

When you feel you've lost your way.

What if my chances were already gone?

I started believing that I could be wrong.

But you give me one good reason.

To fight and never walk away.

So here I am, still holding on

With every step, you climb another mountain

Every breath, it's harder to believe

You'll make it through the pain, weather the hurricanes

To get to that one thing.

Just when you think the road is going nowhere

Just when you almost gave up on your dreams

They take you by the hand and show you that you can

There are no boundaries.

I fought to the limit, to stand on the edge

What if today is as good as it gets?

Don't know where the future's heading

But nothing's gonna bring me down

I've jumped every bridge and I've run every line

I risked being safe but I always knew why

I always knew why

So here I am, still holding on

is there some place i need to go, someone i need to see?

my father told me son, things seldom go the way we planned them, life can just be a chain of surprises, is there someone to teach me how the universe works?

like love, it is almost as i needs to be taught, learning by our mistakes only takes you so far, up to the point where you just want to give up, in life i am just not at the point to just give up. it seems i am in need  of a, some what longer, break from it.

after a long run, you need to stop,breath and take a moment, my moment seems to be here. for sure i can not run 100 mph but it seems i tried and have reality behind me, and now it caught up on me. my time is here, my break time. sure i am holding on to all that is around and about me. momentary it feels like i am searching in the crowd for a familiar face, and i just keep spinning on my heels to find it. sometimes it only needs is to reach out, reaching for the know, to meet so much unknown, it is frightening. 

back to basic, baby steps and breathing, one day at the time, the plan for the coming time, otherwise things, i deem important, can not be maintained, they will fall to pieces.

sometimes i can't help myself, i like to be in love with chaos, trying to sort things out, unravel, maybe even trying to find the light at the end of the tunnel. be honest: a mystery is much more tempting than the obvious.

you might have never seen this sight of me, because i don't let you get this close to me, i don't think of telling you what is going on in my mind, you jut don't know what is my creation, what is my life. how much aware are you of whats in my mind, in there i could be a monster, hiding and waiting. 

not to fear, i am not, well at least i think, i am just very protective of the man, that is me. a bit shaken at the moment, but trust me i am holding on....... still

Fasten your seat belts and grab a towel

My first blog from mid-air, as I have about 45 minutes till we land in Amsterdam and my holidays are truly over. The gang escorted me to the airport this morning and it was weird to have the house clean the fuses switched of and say goodbye for a few months. Depending on a few factors I will be returning hopefully soon. As I had to spend a few hours in Paris I went online to check the news and I noticed that's we will have snow and cold from Monday, so my wish to skip it this year has already been crushed. It would have made for and unusual but nice start to the year without the winter crap. If only for once. But I think nature also needs it's, so let it happen and we will see if it's going to be just cold or also covered with many layers of snow.

Paris Charles de Gaulle airport was up to a boiling point, outside 13 degrees but inside almost 26, while the sun was heating the terminal the heating system were blasting out warm air too........ What a nightmare, or I just have to plan the next time to travel even lighter, no actually need not to cover up, we are almost always indoors from start to finish....

So I hope I can remember this on my next flight out which will hopefully be in summer anyway.

Like always the weeks have passed to quickly, and it has been over 3 weeks. Tomorrow is an early morning and off to work I am, I can only hope I manage a first full day. Not spending t on the office all day as there are a few people to see and wish them all the best for this year. 

Let's hope they return the favor, I could certainly use some luck, and less bills...... But who doesn't let's be honest we all could have a year like that.

And now they are also heating up the aircraft, the French do heat winter, man this isn't normal. But another 35 minutes and we should be descending into Amsterdam, where my next ride awaits, happy with a brother who takes the effort to pick me up. Jippie a cold drink just arrived..... Going to put out this fire that seems to burn inside...

Not so much looking forward to the drive home, and hoping my car will start after all these weeks of no attention. Another adventure on the way...... It seems I take every opportunity not to make my life boring, well someone or somewhat has too.....  Ohh and I was lucky on the first leg of the trip, I was asked to sit in the business class, not such a bad thing to happen on a 2 hour flight.

Hardly any clouds so I can see Europe glide by underneath the plane..... The twinkly lights almost thinking it's Christmas again.... Ha ha..... Seems iam still in a somewhat festive mood, that will be killed roughly tomorrow when the alarm tells me it's time to get a move on, a early morning drive back to work.. But for now is still on a holiday so let that worry me tomorrow and in the end, it's only a working day, of which not many are left..... To be honest. Less than I would hope for and in a way more than I could actually care for. I notice the landing lights are still on, or have they switched on already? Ahhh there we go, we are heading down again, back the the surface of Mother Earth...... And for the first time since a long long period there is only a male staff on board, it's almost unbelievable. And thank god the air is getting colder..... Yup we are approaching the airport, time to switch off and I will post it back on the ground..... My first travel report so to say.... Until next time from the old but comfortable home...... Au revoir!

The 3 kings in Cangas

The kings have arrived and it is almost time for me to return to the north. Today I had dinner with the gang at, dear is say, my place. It was a shared effort, I cooked the main, the girls the desert, and my bro brought the drinks. Chatting in English and Spanish while we enjoyed the food, it made for a great evening. They are as different as friends can be from the one at my true home, but I would not want to miss them for the world. Home is where the heart is, but also where true friendship blossoms. To feel safe, at ease, simply at home, that's where the heart is, and it's here as much as with my friends a little bit further away.

It's the middle of the night and I just felt like writing a little, knowing I have to post two blogs today, I wasn't able to send it yesterday. 

Now in bed I find the time to type a little before trying to get some sleep. While my mind is back in order and my thoughts about the future seems to have settled in a good place finally. What ever it brings I have always a place to go to and be safe, and for that I am so rich, with my family and friends I long for nothing, i am at home, and they are there to help me when ever I need it.

Outside the bedroom window the rain is still pouring down, lashing against the shutters, and there seems to be no end to this wet spell. Tomorrow, or rather today is the last day of the Christmas season here in Spain, and after a 4 week period of festivities it is indeed time to give it a rest for 11 months. 

I received a text message from my sister complaining that Christmas without the big brother just isn't Christmas, which made me promise her that next Christmas I will make sure I will be there. Don't wanna take away the spirit of a family Christmas. But first, first there will be summer, and I can not wait for it to happen. Back to the routine of workdays and weekends, I sure need some structure the coming weeks, work, gym, weekends and, please please, not so much food! These last few weeks I got to like Suchard's crispy chocolate bar....... Sooooo sumptuous like silk in your mouth.... And before I could get a few to take home, they were sold out! A crime!

On the other hand a good thing otherwise my luggage would surely be over the max. 

The weeks passed and I have spend all days in this little place, sleeping, eating, walking and thinking. A holiday that turned out to what I had planned for when I left a little over 3 weeks ago, a very good one indeed.

2014 is here and almost a week old, and that week is feeling like just a blink of the eye, time passes to fast, that is for sure. Somewhere I hope time flies until I am back to have a dip in the ocean and be back on my towel on my little stretch of beach here. Work is about to be finished and although I have troubles saying goodbye to this part of my life I finally start to look forward to the new part. There are unknown things at the horizon and it's about time I go and discover the "other" life. 

I have no idea on how I am going to do it, or make it last, but there is always a way, I just have to update my tom-tom, set to navigate for "future" arrival somewhere after December 8, 2014. 

Trust me when I say that there will be a few over the shoulder look backs the coming time, and blogs. Equal blogs, I hope, about what lies ahead, know and unknown, it will be the art of keep the music playing, and with any luck my music will never end.

Today I am a happy guy, with a full stomach, a big piece of cheesecake left in the fridge and " three kings bread " for breakfast. Life isn't that bad! 

My brother will be back for lunch together, looking forward to some more Spanglish moments, he makes me laugh, and yes, your English trumps my Spanish. But one day Hermano, we will talk and laugh, and understand each other a lot better. For now it's good night! 

The wind howls and the rain still hasn't stopped but I need to sleep...... Ciao world

My life is my creation, imagination creates my world and somewhere is my destination.

If we are in love and we are aware of the world changing almost everyday why do we expect things to stay the same? What is it we fear? What is on the other side of yesterday, what we can not face today?

The sun is going down, it getting colder now, trying to find some refuge from the first chill, a warm smile might still do the trick. 

A day is ending end it feels like something else just begun, something that is right in front of me.

With one swing the door opens and I can get in for some coffee, and maybe eve later a glass of wine. The sound of the people around me disappears and I can feel the warmth of the coffee settling and give me comfort. Time to think.

Yesterday I met with my Spanish family and I noticed how bad I have been in my attempts to learn the language, the girls are ok but my brother is a bit left out. His English is still trumping my Spanish. We had coffee and went over to see the nativity display in one of the basements in the houses in the town. No rain and no chill in the air, it was great, with our Spanglish we managed to even crack a joke. It's nice to be out and about with them,having a brother out here feels great and he truly feels like one. We do manage to communicate, slowly and with the help of google translate. But in the end it should be better, I should be able to talk to him about several things, about life, it feels like he wants to tell me things and ask me some others. So I feel a little guilty not being able to sit and chat like brothers do, like I do with the ones at home. Spanish they might be, but they do feel like family. What ever my life is or where it takes me, they are around. Like a button on the sleeve of my shirt, it wouldn't be complete without it.

Time for my thoughts...... Bloggomotion

I thought I had it all, not to long ago, I held on but somewhere it let go. Staring into the distance the air turns from grey into black and the lights on the water get clearer, dancing their dance on the water. The waves are still there days after the storm has passed, the ripple effect. Like something strong that can make you go weak, where things once clear seem like a problem to big for this world. If we could only be like butterflies sheltering for the rain, safe and beautiful.

No, I am not depressed, just went into "in front of the fire place" mode. This is when I miss my other one to sit and talk about life's tricks and splendor. I have to do with my iPad and create a voice to answer my questions or to agree or even disagree with me, luckily that in my mind I win every argument. I can be quite good to my mental self. 

While walking about today, I was wondering what people would think of me once I would break out in singing and dancing in the rain? ( on a day with no rain I do think of this) I was just in that kinda mood. Trying to make it better, make the grey less grey, just because it doesn't feel like a bad thing, after all this rain almost every day. This is just that kind of place where I feel like doing it. By now you know I hardly go anywhere without my music, it's one of the things that keeps me sane. So I will always be connected to my inner self, my daydream tunes. It's comforting to know that just by hearing it I can go to my place, think, analyze and try to get to see the things in life more logical. Logical for me, and if that makes me a little weird, so be it. My heart is ticking and it's to the rhythm of my life. I love to listen too it, find my beat and walk. 

Over the past few days I have been thinking of things I would like to ask some friends and family, the things that make them tick, what makes them happy, afraid, what is their song. The voices inside me are so loud, so real, asking for more. Just not sure why these things are hovering now, do I want to silences the ones in my head? Maybe I need to feed them so my thoughts get some more things to be busy with, or perhaps put into a blog. Who knows, the upstairs has been busy as of late. 

Blogging over the last couple of years has provided me with ample enough things to write about and yet, not found the perfect answer, to what exactly? 

What adventure is perfect? 

There is another part that comes along, maybe tonight or perhaps tomorrow, it's your turn, your life. Life's so much like music so much is still unsung, you can rhyme the words and sing your story, just grab your chance. Lack of talent is keeping me from writing songs and you really don't want to hear me sing, that would be a mood killer. It's much safer to ask me to bake a cake, not for your waist but it would for certain put a smile on your face.

Later tonight I will start preparing the food for Sunday, when the gang will come for dinner. My way to say thanks and glad you are around. Even when I do not speak the language sufficiently they inspire me, the energy and the things they do, and my brother, well he is something special. I have friends at home who are worth writing about and so is he, be it on a different level, but he is a special "hombre".

To spend time with them is always a pleasure, like a warm blanket wrapped around you. Where you are family in the true meaning of the word. Years ago I came to visit a dear friend and gained a family, I will never be able to thank him enough for this. 

About time to disconnect from the digital world, just posting this one and off I am, shopping and cooking a meal. Hasta luego!

 life is my creation, imagination creates my world and somewhere is my destination.

If we are in love and we are aware of the world changing almost everyday why do we expect things to stay the same? What is it we fear? What is on the other side of yesterday, what we can not face today?

The sun is going down, it getting colder now, trying to find some refuge from the first chill, a warm smile might still do the trick. 

A day is ending end it feels like something else just begun, something that is right in front of me.

With one swing the door opens and I can get in for some coffee, and maybe eve later a glass of wine. The sound of the people around me disappears and I can feel the warmth of the coffee settling and give me comfort. Time to think.

Yesterday I met with my Spanish family and I noticed how bad I have been in my attempts to learn the language, the girls are ok but my brother is a bit left out. His English is still trumping my Spanish. We had coffee and went over to see the nativity display in one of the basements in the houses in the town. No rain and no chill in the air, it was great, with our Spanglish we managed to even crack a joke. It's nice to be out and about with them,having a brother out here feels great and he truly feels like one. We do manage to communicate, slowly and with the help of google translate. But in the end it should be better, I should be able to talk to him about several things, about life, it feels like he wants to tell me things and ask me some others. So I feel a little guilty not being able to sit and chat like brothers do, like I do with the ones at home. Spanish they might be, but they do feel like family. What ever my life is or where it takes me, they are around. Like a button on the sleeve of my shirt, it wouldn't be complete without it.

Time for my thoughts...... Bloggomotion

I thought I had it all, not to long ago, I held on but somewhere it let go. Staring into the distance the air turns from grey into black and the lights on the water get clearer, dancing their dance on the water. The waves are still there days after the storm has passed, the ripple effect. Like something strong that can make you go weak, where things once clear seem like a problem to big for this world. If we could only be like butterflies sheltering for the rain, safe and beautiful.

No, I am not depressed, just went into "in front of the fire place" mode. This is when I miss my other one to sit and talk about life's tricks and splendor. I have to do with my iPad and create a voice to answer my questions or to agree or even disagree with me, luckily that in my mind I win every argument. I can be quite good to my mental self. 

While walking about today, I was wondering what people would think of me once I would break out in singing and dancing in the rain? ( on a day with no rain I do think of this) I was just in that kinda mood. Trying to make it better, make the grey less grey, just because it doesn't feel like a bad thing, after all this rain almost every day. This is just that kind of place where I feel like doing it. By now you know I hardly go anywhere without my music, it's one of the things that keeps me sane. So I will always be connected to my inner self, my daydream tunes. It's comforting to know that just by hearing it I can go to my place, think, analyze and try to get to see the things in life more logical. Logical for me, and if that makes me a little weird, so be it. My heart is ticking and it's to the rhythm of my life. I love to listen too it, find my beat and walk. 

Over the past few days I have been thinking of things I would like to ask some friends and family, the things that make them tick, what makes them happy, afraid, what is their song. The voices inside me are so loud, so real, asking for more. Just not sure why these things are hovering now, do I want to silences the ones in my head? Maybe I need to feed them so my thoughts get some more things to be busy with, or perhaps put into a blog. Who knows, the upstairs has been busy as of late. 

Blogging over the last couple of years has provided me with ample enough things to write about and yet, not found the perfect answer, to what exactly? 

What adventure is perfect? 

There is another part that comes along, maybe tonight or perhaps tomorrow, it's your turn, your life. Life's so much like music so much is still unsung, you can rhyme the words and sing your story, just grab your chance. Lack of talent is keeping me from writing songs and you really don't want to hear me sing, that would be a mood killer. It's much safer to ask me to bake a cake, not for your waist but it would for certain put a smile on your face.

Later tonight I will start preparing the food for Sunday, when the gang will come for dinner. My way to say thanks and glad you are around. Even when I do not speak the language sufficiently they inspire me, the energy and the things they do, and my brother, well he is something special. I have friends at home who are worth writing about and so is he, be it on a different level, but he is a special "hombre".

To spend time with them is always a pleasure, like a warm blanket wrapped around you. Where you are family in the true meaning of the word. Years ago I came to visit a dear friend and gained a family, I will never be able to thank him enough for this. 

About time to disconnect from the digital world, just posting this one and off I am, shopping and cooking a meal. Hasta luego!

E

The perfect....... Crime?

How much I like that everything I need is within walking distance, but it still is far enough to get soaked. The rain hasn't stopped yet, so I didn't make it all the way to my favorite wifi spot. Popping into another wifi supplier on my way to the supermarket, and I am not denied anything as I know that the man serving my coffee is blessed with a very nice smile (among other things). This is the place were we won the English sort of "pub" quiz, and they make a good cup of coffee.

My umbrella is only partly protecting me from the everlasting downpour. The short walk is just long enough for my jeans to be wet al the way up to my knees. So here I am, coffee, iPad and a service with a smile. Now I have to focus on my typing and not too much on the staff at hand. Later today I will have coffee with my friends but for know it's back to the keyboard. 

Tomorrow if and when the rain (hopefully) lifts I might even take the ferry to Vigo and go for a walk and maybe even a McDonald. Something kinda Saturday stuff to do. 

A few more days and I am off, back home and I promise I will leave the rain here. While being online I caught up with some friends and it seems the game's a foot! Quoting Sherlock Holmes ...... Some are back to their old game, be it love or hunting for Tarzan or his equivalent. When you find something challenging and great along the road to pleasure, why does it last only for a fortnight? And is the hunting far-more giving pleasure as to be with someone who knows how to "handle" you. 

What's the name of the game? When it comes to food, music, clothing or even a fetish they seem to know exactly what they want. Ok, even the type of the guy is clear, and it is almost like a set checklist, a mental fixed guide. The eyes see what the pants want, so it's clearly to satisfy the optical hunger. As true as the fact that not everything's that shines is gold, is that not every impressive mountain of muscle chests with a tiny waist, knows how to kiss. Got sidetracked there, my waiter just brought a second coffee and even winked at me, how I love spanish friendliness. So if we see what we want, and it turns out to be stereotypical most of the times, we have to check how the cowboy is in playing with the bull. How many rodeo's are carved on his belt? And again some will ride a nice Arab stallion where others prefer a palomino ....... Dear Sherlock would Watson be able to be of more assistance, this is not only eliminatory anymore, it's almost a science when we want to go for perfection. Lost again, I am the one looking for perfection, they are looking for a good ride...... I wonder if my smile, when finished a ride in Disneyland is more satisfying? 

To me some of these things sound or appear shallow, but it seems to be the game to be at as a young man. Sure old guys play the game too, and some with the same gameplay and mindset. Even thinking sometimes they have the same pawns on the deck as a twenty year old. Sure I love to think that I would have the same opportunities as the younger players, but who would i be kidding? Myself the most of course, not going to do that, I think I have to much imagination in my normal day to day routine (on a good day). My goal is different that is for sure. Somewhere I am afraid, that something good will be lost, and here I am trying to think as a modern day Jane Austin.... The old romantic in me, but I do like the guy.

Modern times request modern thinking, but over the ages a lot might have changed somehow I have a hard time believing that feeling something intimate as love will be lost to a hunting feeling based on lust. Lust also an age old trouble maker, without whom we would have missed out on so many things that created great music, operas and plays. Does it always have to add up to drama, when two or more man are involved? Sure it's not always there but I can remember that after the hunting season the mind starts to create questionable moments of longing or to belong, and than, yes they will ask me my thoughts. My view is one who thinks differently at times, and yes sometimes I would like my pants do the talking, but still somewhere down the line I question my inner feeling, and mostly that put the breaks on things, I need more, it's not only the action, it's also the person as it is what is happening, Tarzan wouldn't just be Tarzan without the jungle.

Yes I can't put my standards or morals on another nor would I, even more because they are my friends. Friends I like for who they are, special and this is just a part of them that is shared with me, it's not the "why" of our friendship. Our bond is kinda sacred to me as with my straight friends, I would go as far as to call it pure. Some of them challenge me to think outside the box, get to know a different vision of what I hold close to heart. We might not always agree on the things in life but we value each other as equals. They come in al shapes and sizes, just like Spanish waiters, and they all make me smile or frown at time. Unfortunately not all are capable to serve me perfect coffee, but they are capable to put a smile on my face.

So I order another coffee with a smile to be served with a smile, google for a nice picture to go with this blog and secretly checking out my waiters ...... He not only got great eyes you know!

Grey and brown..... Bringing some color to winter

Time for some coffee while accessing the internet and have a moment out and about. The weather is still grey and matching the season, inside the cafe it's warm, relax and not to busy. It's kinda my regular spot and not only the wine and coffee are great the waiter is pleasing to the eye too. He is not batting for my team, but it makes having a drink and a few minutes out and about much more agreeable. 

The crowd inside is a mixture of young and old and even a family, wishing each other a happy new year and going on with their daily chatter. 

It's a nice place whether it's summer or winter, and not like places closer to home, people are pushing their stuff and hoping you will leave soon. Here people are online and enjoying their drinks and the little bits of food. It's just as relaxed as the town it self, something I am trying to explain my local friends here. Sometimes it is hard to explain why you feel at home and mind and body go into a relax mode. Somewhere during the blogs from last summer I must have mentioned it, and it still feels great to be here. Over the past weeks I have not met many people or seen my friends, some days I have even spoke less than the few words at the checkout at the grocery store. Fine with me, it's only the time where I notice how loud it can be in my head. It's not a daily fight but it can be a little hard to muffle the sound the voices in my head make even more when they make no sense. Recognize it? The amount of thoughts one can have, it creeps me out once and a while. 

Lately the voices were no longer tuned like a choir that needs training. It was something like a group teenagers on steroids. Logic only gets to me when I have a quiet moment, or when I make a moment to go quiet. Doubt, question or not trusting the feeling I have when I can not cal it instinct, these are moments I hate, but like a problem someone else has and need to be solved, it needs attention. 

Knowing where the problems lies and not being able to kill the nagging in your brain, that bothers me. Sometimes it's no fun not having the solution, or to know a way to turn a bad thing around. Where I have succeeded I also have failed in the past and I feel that I still need to grow up. Looking around me at the youngsters here I admirer them sometimes, with all that lies ahead. But the truth here is I can only see it sunny side up because I have my history, be it the failed relationships, the inspiring friendships, heartache, pain and so many happy memories. Every cloud has a silver lining, one i try to see wherever I go. But when does this silver lining go into bling bling? When does this return into a fairytale or a horror story? Well I am still searching for it, hoping a answer will soon fall into my lap. For now the waiter just served me my second coffee and while walking away I must admit, he has a nice bum, would look even better in a blue short...... Already switching back to summer mood, or should I say advance? Wish I could already plan my days of summer here, looking forward to sunbathing and swimming and having even less work stuff on my mind. Another look around the room, and even receiving a smile from the young man in the corner working on his laptop, we are the only two typing away here. 

No clue on what he is producing over there, but the fact that we both seem to be into the things we are writing creates somewhat of a bound, good enough for him to smile and me to nod my head in response.

At home I sit in the kitchen most of the time writing and in the living room thinking here I do most of it here, in the midst of people that just mind their own business. Maybe I should take my blogging more outdoors at home. I have plenty of time to do so when I am out for coffee. Who knows I just might try it next time. 

On my way over here I was listening to some music and a bit of text got my attention. To love and feel it's ok, fulfilling and learning you what it feels to love, but just a moment later to realize that you are not sure you will be able to hold on. Nothing strange to me, the moment I saw him coming through the door, I knew it was something special. The first time we kissed, the feeling I had than, that is now the point I set as to measure what I feel about someone when it gets "romantic".  Was the next thought the danger around the corner? How can I ever hold on to this? It turned out that this wasn't the feeling but more the person. Years late I have doubt whether he ver loved me or not, but it's more about what I felt and what I let happen to it. Both are responsible for a relationship, but one surely can go blind, or loose the focus on what truly matters. Over the years I have learned to speak and understand a few languages, learned to swim, drive a car, listen to people and try to make life worthwhile. One thing I know for sure I haven't mastered is staying in love, I can fall into it frequently but managing it is something from an other world when it concerns me. A part in my life is missing and I sure tried several time, for now it is not existing and if it will be three in the future, whole other story. Work and also my attitude has taken me to the place I am today, as a single or a divorcee what ever you would like to call, I have arrived. A spot next to me in bed is still empty, when I roll over because I need a hug, there is only this cold feeling of the empty pillow and space. When I do not know what to eat or not willing to go to bed at a certain time there is no one bothered by it. That seems to be the price for freedom, independence. It doesn't erase the memory of the moment I had it when my hand rested on his chest and I merely listened to his breathing to know he was sound asleep. The freedom in m y life comes at a cost, but I have to be honest, are the times I need my freedom more frequent as the times I need my hugs? It seems I am more attached to be free to go where I want, and to decide when I want to go to bed. I might be afraid to work on a relationship to keep it going, keep it interesting, I already have a job, I don't need another one. But what if one job ends? You might just need something else worthwhile, and I think while sitting here looking at the sea, my friend for all these years, I have a love, my love for things in this world, my friends and family. 

The one who showed e what love can feel like, even when it went unanswered will never been forgotten. He might on the other hand never know what he meant to me and how he rocked my world in just a second. I received my wake-up call and even though the sky is grey and everything is in shades of it, life serves me colors of all kind now it is up to me to paint the future. Let's find my pallet and brush and start making one.

My coffee is finished and time to see my waiter and pay my bill, while doing so I found my first color, dark brown; the color of his eyes!

Midnight in Spain

The rain and wind stopped shortly after midnight and I decided to go for a stroll after dropping the garbage bags in the container. The streets ere empty and the Christmas lights reflected in the puddles on the street. As usual I headed for the beach for my, almost everyday stroll along the waters edge, and my free wifi spots. Surprisingly it wasn't cold, nice to be honest, and it truly surprised me to see no one out here. Normally it's a buzz even at this time of night, now nothing but silence even no speakers poring out Christmas tunes. So I could listen to my music while walking towards the beach.

Arrived at my wifi spots and my emails dropped in the inbox and some other messages came in. It's not even weird to read my mail and messages late at night outdoors, on the other hand it shows how we hooked up to the internet and the things we do to get a message in or out. The night after, and people are still looking for some fun online, it surprises me from time to time, even more when a 18 year old shows interest, is it cat fishing (yes I paid attention) or just a prank or even real? I am almost 3 times his age, and yes I am aware young man out there are looking for older guys, but I haven't arrived at the point where I would actually like to find out. Being polite I answered the messages but he still tried to convince me, so only one thing to do and that's ignore. 

Having friends out there in all ages I am aware of the adventures luring in the big big world...... I am only to happy when some of them tell me about it. Whether they are playing Tarzan or sliding over rubber sheets there is almost always something to learn there. If it might not be about the deed it is also about the person or persons. A twisted angle and a whirlpool becomes a complete different story, or playground.  

Sometimes I wished I would have written some of them down, on the other hand it's something they trust me with, so I might mention them in my blog but other than that they remain my sweet secrets. Next to them telling me their stories I can ask them about their feelings or thoughts, even when sometimes there's no actual thought but instinct behind it, I still love them for it. They are a mixture off ages, intelligence and views on life but "special" to me. Because of my or rather our work we can not always see each other as much as we might want, and for that I am thankful the internet is around. 

The festive season for them is over and in Spain it will last a few days more by the time I head home the world will be back in full swing, 2014 is on a roll and it is up to us to give it a few bumps to make it an adventure. Work for me will slowly become less and less as I am heading into navy retirement, so I want to make more time for them and if and when possible will try to go and see them. It's anyhow time to have more time for my family and friends, I had years and years away from them so now it is time to pay some more attention to the things that will last longer than any job around. 

Times are still changing as they have since the time I was born, but now I have to time to look out for friends and family to maybe even spread some wisdom. Never been given the true change to be a father, I might maybe be a big brother to some of them, and concerning my family I can make the bond perhaps even stronger. It seems that my task is set for the coming year, or even future. Family we inherent, friends we gain over the years, and my friends are as dear as my family. Life is out there and I know for sure that within a few days some of my friends are back into playing Tarzan, fireman or something else but equally getting my attention. Who knows a fireman might even come my way...... There is a fire still burning within me.....

Fresh and wet beginnings

For what ever weather there always seems to be something special in the air on New Year's Day morning. Same old world just a new year, but in a way it seems to be fresh even different. 

It's still grey and rainy here even with the odd change of a thunderstorm, the idea not to finish but begin the year with a bang! I like it, why not? It's actually not to cold, it's nice out here, and I am not the only one. On the way to the beach I noticed a few youngsters still in the party mood from last night or should I say this early morning. One of the young man looked like he should have been in bed a few drinks ago, not the clearest of looks, and I surely would not walk around with my coat and shirt open. Well so far it goes it was nice to look at, and he was even wearing red underwear, I am not the one wearing low-rise pants but they sometimes give you a view that makes you smile. Would it have been a blue one he would have seen me laugh out loud probably, good thing he would not remembered later on. 

A new year has begun, one more week here in Cangas and I will be heading home, back to all day life, routine and work. This place still has my heart and I like the fact that it differs so much with the change of the season. The people are still the same and even so friendly. I have been invited to many a meal or drinks, but getting my part of the flue virus isn't helping. Fever, stomach aches and some other less desirable body functions would not make me a happy guest at the table. At least after a week spend mostly on the couch or in bed I can surely say I am rested, I did get my hours rest. Now I am almost back in normal state and ready for the things ahead. Once back home, things go back to normal and the festive season is over and I am still hoping that a harsh winter will not happen this year, I could do without snow and ice for a year. 

It's almost a tradition to spend New Year's Eve alone and so far it feels ok, sure I like to be with family or friends, but I just hate the hours leading up to it, seems so much fuzz almost too much. Wether at home or here it's just not doing it for me, wishing others a happy new year that's fine, but the whole drinking and happiness is some what lost on me. It simple isn't me...... Another weird fact to add to my list, but in al honesty I can actually live with this one.

Walking along the beach I was thinking back of 2013 and all the things that happened to me and my friends and family and lots of things made me smile. A few friends and colleagues were, let's say, in a pickle, but in the end they all came out ok, and we all learned a little bit more about life in the end.

Still being able to feel, notice and learn at this age is on it's own amazing. Young and old, family and friends they are for sure the spice of life. And I was truly tired at the end of 2013, but it was worth the ride. Love,dating, blue shorts, a mission, brown eyes and a remote beach the all mean something different to me but in the end it tells me I am alive and life is still happening. So let 2014  do it's thing and at the end I will look back and see what smiles, tears, heard or stomach age it has dished out in 12 months yet to come.

Like these waves I am watching ...... Let it roll, and rumble! Now got to get home before I get soaked here without actually going for a swim, although I would not mind a collision with a merman...... Felix año!