A new year is on it's way and sometimes it feels like last year. Why is it that we celebrate the coming of a new year with so many festivities hope and prey that all will be different in the new one.
Most of us make plans and hope for the best, so do i, only to wake up to a new year with the same old problems as the last one, every time it just takes a few days before i am back on the carpet with my feet, only to see that no one even took the effort to vacuum while i was flying on the new years high.
Well I have landed safely, and am able to have a good look around. This is a big one for me, I will turn 50, a big step. Not so huge as it used to be as this would have been the year I would stop working, but that has been post-phoned with another 3 years. Now it is back to every day life and every day thingies.
Winter still hasn't arrived yet, well it did on the calender but outside things seems to be upside down, nature is a little bit off. Tulips are sprouting and the flowers are almost blooming and just today I read in the newspaper that the Russian cold is on its way. So we will have cold air, freezing temperatures and who knows we might even have snow. Late but not too late it seems it's going to be cold.
AS I am back on my diet this week, not something to look forward too, as I will probably be glued to the radiator when the loosing weight kicks in.
Like many people going on a diet I am trying to wonder why again I am doing it, but come summer I might see the results in the mirror. Feel better and be able to do my fitness test without collapsing on the side of the road.
I might even try to give it a go to write more as this year is sure going to be different. So in 11 months we will know what it actually is going to be, and I can look back on 50 years being me.
Like the day I was born I am still single, and still with my family. So sometimes things do not change....
For the moment I am still trying to settle and trying to find some joy in my work as due to local and other issues the workplace isn't the nicest place to be anymore. Normally I can see pass that but now I am just annoyed and frustrated, so much I need days off at home to get my mind around it, rest and try to get motivated.
Why it has recently hid my head I do not know, but many things are going through my mind and I do not seem to be able to park some thoughts in the back of my mind.
Part of it seems to be my marriage, bits and pieces are still hanging around, and it seems to be that not all is forgiven of forgotten/
Last night I listened to some songs and one of them was “finding love in a hopeless place”, I don;t know that where I found it it was hopeless but for sure it was a different place.
In my mind I have been going back and looked at hings that changed from that day. From the first moment we kissed I did fall in love, now over the years I only start to realize how much, or I rather start to understand what love seems to be. A simple four letter word that can cause so much harm, and pleasure of course. Over the last years I have written much about me, him and that little that was us. Many of what if's have crawled up on me. Should I believe that he did not loved me just wanted a ticked out, and that all was fake? Well I can believe that and not be happy, or I can just remember that at night he rolled over and fell in a deep sleep and for minutes, hours didn't move as he noticed I was near and my arms were around him. Safe and secure. What, however would my love mean for someone who is not used to being loved without condition? Who doesn't actually know what it means to be in love, because somewhere down the line he has lost his track and only thinks that loving someone means moving on and getting better in life. That living in a certain life is all you need, where so much is just make believe and where other things only last as long as you have your looks. This world I never understood or are part of as it will never be my path the pick, but I think I lost someone to it I truly loved and still do, as each and every day he is in my mind, I am getting use to the idea that where I might have loved him for what he made me feel on the inside and look behind his outside to find someone hiding who hopefully one day gets the chance to come-out. For us it seems love was a one way street, but how ever he did and why he did it, I still have these moment where he wasn't aware of his feelings and I was able to see him, hold him and watch for sometimes hours on end. The outcome will still be the same, we are no longer an “we”, but I know what it feels like to be truly in love, from now on when I want to be together with someone I will know it will never be like this, even thought is was one sided, I have the memory, now I have to compromise and try to get close into feeling what I had for a few moments in a country far away and so different from what I call home, where I took it in the end, only to see magic end, but learning what it means to be in love.
Wonder what this year will teach me, and what I will find along the way....
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