why is the sun not out at night

If only, if and if and some more ifs. It’s not like magic, not everything in life sparkles and is like a fairytale, but try to see the best in al that is real with your feet on the ground.

This is one of them where I truly hope to wake up and find it is all a dream. Guess what? That is not going to happen; I seem to have to make the most of it. For a few days or maybe even longer I am going through something I can not explain or seem to be able to place somewhere in my mind so that I can understand it.

I have troubles finding sunny moments in things that go on in my every day. Difficult to fall asleep and hard to get up, I am even having problems listening to people. It seems like I need a break a break from everyday life and all that seem normal.

What is the reason for all of this? Winter? An upcoming birthday, loosing weight, work? I wish I had an answer for at least one of the things I am feeling. There is no answer yet so I have to make do with what I got, and try to focus on plenty of other things. Christmas is around the corner and for me that means a lot. After the coming working days I have some days off and enough to keep me busy for a while.

It’s that time of year where we want to be together and feel the comfort of someone else around to cuddle because it is cold or simply because we want to. This time round I seem to fall for it as well. I do feel a little stupid after all those years thinking so many others were sad for feeling this. Next to that there’s no reason for that, I am not fully alone, just not with someone, who is there just for me. Maybe I make a Santa wish, for just a guy, with not to many problems and hooks. (sigh) when we are young we wish for so much, and have big plans and one day that gets less or for a while you can actually say, I do not need anything I got what I want, and look here I am years later and it’s back on the list.

What has happened in between? Life, my father would answer and nothing more. Once I wanted to be a grownup and now I think that thought was wasted, as it isn’t all we hoped it would be. But life is what happened when we started to grow up, and we make what is now life as I know it. These thoughts are way to dark and heavy for November or any other day, I think I head for bed and try to dream a little and wake up early but happier tomorrow, life and a blog can not always be happy, so lets add this as it is and hope a better one comes along soon. Good night

How much fog can one handle?

It is grey and it has been grey for a few days now, and cold, the kind of cold that you feel in your bones, where getting warm feet are almost the only thing you think off.

It has been a while since my last entry but days are flying by, I know a week has 7 days but it feels more like 4, after my Spanish lessons I think I have a whole week to study and do my homework, only to find myself doing the exercises during lunch hour on a Monday. Since I left London to be home again the weekend seems to only last an hour or so.

Why does it feel that way? I have no clue, as I no longer have to travel between countries, time seems just to disappear. How can I get back into the social life when I hardly get the time to learn my Spanish? Sure I want to be back and go on a date that last longer than a coffee can keep its temperature, but like last weekend I have to get a move on to do the shopping, chit-chat, have my laundry done and cook a meal. No wonder I get the complaints that I do not spend enough time with potential new people of interest in my life. I am even afraid that I cannot spend the night as I am rushed of my feet to make my weekend actually feel like a weekend. This is nuts!!!!!

Working in an office, not the one I desire, but at least I got a job! Around me people will be fired or asked to leave, as we are sizing down on orders from the big chief.

Complaining is something I should not do as I find time during my work hours to think of different things but work. Not many people have this luxury, I do and then I find myself running out of time in my days off. How weird can it get? Once I am home from work I plan to do some things which, in the end, I still find on the to do list the next day. Time management is somewhat off I would say. Things got obvious once one of my friends started to complain that I just disappear and do not respond to text messages or e-mails. Yes, I leave my cell at home or on the nightstand when I go out with friends for coffee at their place, as I want it to be quiet, or not to be reminded I suppose to be somewhere else. I still refuse to put romance on my scheduler.

There is no rush in finding love or just romance for the moment but in the winter months it is nice to have the cuddle option open. In front of the fireplace with a nice glass of brandy I forgot for a moment that I was in Amsterdam and that life was passing by outside in the grey matter. There were no plans to stay the evening but I got there, cold and sick of staring into this grey matter all the way from the north not being able to drive at a better speed. So when offered a nice drink in front of a roaring fire, I could not say no!!!! Hell NO!!!! It takes so little to let go of a time schedule and I just excused myself from an other appointment to sit and look at flames. (and drink a amazing glass of brandy)

There were things to talk about but that moment, I only felt my feet getting warm and suddenly these things moved to the background. The old English clock on the mantelpiece was ticking and I heard Maria Callas sing somewhere in the background. Ashamed to even admit that I didn’t understand the first few words my host directed at me…… I just nodded and spend more time looking at the fire and getting cozy. Only to find out that I had agreed to stay the night. So I poured some more brandy and took my shoes off. This big comfy seat would have me as a guest for a while.

During the night the fog got thicker, I only noticed that when I had to get up to get something to drink. Amsterdam had something magical, and this is me making this statement, the street lights had something “Harry Potter” like effect on the view from the living room window. The apartment was comfortable warm and I took a moment, before heading back to bed. The good thing about company in bed is that it doesn’t get cold. There was no heating in the bedroom and the cold air greeted me when I entered the room, I did not even notice it when I hopped out of it.

No alarm was set so when I woke up it was by the smell of breakfast, another surprise as I am normally the person getting up making it. Time to turn over and wait for the call that I have to get up. Breakfast was  great, for reason that someone else made it and it was made fresh, including the orange juice.  Sunday it was!!!!!! For once it felt like a weekend, if only briefly as soon afterwards I had to be back in my car driving home.

So here we are, a grey, grey and may I say it again ever so grey day.  Well looking at the forecast Wednesday my planned trip to Germany should start off with fog but should become clearer as the day progresses.

Now let’s make a little wish that the next weekend will be fog-less !!!!!

when the music plays

The fireplace is on and piano music playing in the background, looking outside the street lantern has almost disappeared in the fog. Should we call this the perfect evening at home? Time to think of more romantic things? Do they still exist? I wonder, only sometimes because I do know they are still out there, even if it is only on TV.

The evening just seems to be perfect to be in that kind of mood. Here I am on the couch just having the place to myself and enjoying the music and a glass of wine. The evening is quiet and evens the cold and fog seems to be in place to make it even better. I needed an evening like this, just to sit, think of nothing and for once take the time to really listen to music again. The piano music is getting al my attention, next to the laptop while writing my blog.

When do we stop having dreams about the future? I am approaching 50 and having a divorce around the corner to finish and the next single period officially starts. SO what do I want from the future? For the moment that the things that should be securing my future get on a stable path again, as the Euro is in trouble so are millions of people and I am only one of them. Sure there are people worse of than me, but it is a part in the worrying process.

Together it is probable better to face it all, but at what costs? The government is making living together loose you money and staying together for the money? To have kids would be a lame excuse now, but what do I want from the years ahead? Funny how I had many dreams when I was 30 but they have come and gone over the years and I noticed that far more dreams are on the exit track. What I dream, remains mainly a dream, am I to old to believe in the “what if”, and the just “if”, years and moments? To have a fantasy I read my books and drift away to far away lands in times long, long ago.

Tonight I was talking to a friend about future plans, and relationships, and when he asked about a new love in my life I could only answer that I first want to find someone to sleep next to and not be awake all night thinking what the hell I am doing there. After a few years and a few attempts of sleepovers I now know what and when, I so know things am meaningful. For I do have that moment to compare it too. No that single moment wasn’t to last but I now have something to compare it too.

Here on the couch I even wonder if I want to go that track again, I am tired of trying and now where I am settled in the village I do not want someone around me telling me to change things, move or get rid of furniture etc. The first one who tries I would tell probably to take a hike. When I tried to present someone a home, it wasn’t enough in a way, I even left something’s open to change, but it did not happen, it just didn’t happen how ever long I waited. So in the end I settled more and more in my ways, as I was also building my place to be safe and secure to have a house a home. Like I planned many things, in the end I got my house my home, but I never got round to be playing the piano. Hence I am listening to someone else do it, but on a cd I bought and I play in my safe place.

Many things in life we dream off but a few just happen, others we have to compromise, and let’s be hones, o do not have room for a grand piano here anyway…..

Good night and sweet dreams…….

Sun, leaves and a cold air

Sun is shining through the leaves, a blue sky; from the living room it looks great. The cold coming from the window tells me that winter is coming. The light through the branches and the few remaining leaves is making this into a great start of a Sunday morning.

For some strange reason it makes me think about so many things, moments like these must have been the reason why so many people are writing great stuff make amazing pictures or just smile at a beautiful day.

Just been outside and the air feels clean, cold but still there is a cuddle from nature. These are the moments where you want to take the dog for a long walk while holding the others hand and just walk, no talking just taking a moment. The day can be yours, without words, paint an everlasting picture in your head, these are moments we want to cherish, a day that should end on the couch, a fireplace a good book and a fine glass of wine.

The world is no longer important; it is a Sunday where no newspaper lands on my doormat or where I use the internet to check up on things that are miles away. Life is a series of pictures sometimes, some you like and some you don’t some are works of art and others should land in the dustbin. But it is our album and as with family pictures we keep them, we just don’t look at them all the time.

The cold is coming and somehow I feel snow will be early this year, and the season of wanting to be with others has already started. I have a Sunday ahead where I want to do some things but I do not know if I feel like doing it. A new week is ahead and I have no clue what lies ahead, but I do know it will be different as I planned a few weeks ago.

As where most people want to get together this period I find myself to want to be left alone a little more as usual. The comfort I need I am finding in my home, maybe because I have been on the road so many years I finally find out what being at home really is.

Everyone has an idea of what a home should be, how strange when it hits one that it can be so different form what we whished for. For me it seems to get clearer slowly. How different but yet comfortable it can be, that is the thing that hits me. More and more I find myself just being at home reading and trying to find some mental rest. Then there are moments like these where I find the peace in being on the couch just watching the sunshine playing the game of shadows on my garden floor. It’s nice and comforting in a way, it does not make me want to do anything at the moment. I might even go and get dressed and go for a walk in the country, really getting a fresh nose. Even the village is quiet, at peace in a way, I presume that people enjoy a nice lazy morning and will start walking the streets somewhere this afternoon.

For the moment I feel I could stay here for a few days and just feeling good at home. But as after every weekend there will be a Monday after this, and so back to work. But for now not thinking about it too much.

Once I finished writing I will do some housework and get some things out of the way so I have less to do the coming week after work. The days are longer as I am used to and I still have to adapt to the working days and the traveling. Life is going to a normal every day thing. The past life in other cities traveling from and to home during the weekends seem to be as different as from what I am having now, it seems to be more than just a change. I came home, and now it seems not just a change of scenery. London and all the other places I have lived are great but now a part of the past, but it seems like turning the switch overnight. The day I left Bahrain, London and Beirut, each for their own reasons felt like hell, but hell only seem to last a few days after that I picked up like normal, where ever I found myself waking up. Now however I am at home picking up wasn’t as easy as the other moments. Yes I do get older and probably less easy to adapt to changes but I do feel tired much more of lately as I ever did before. The changes are taking their toll I noticed, and next to that I know that my working life as I know it will be over in 3 years. Next to settling in at home I also have to prepare for a future I never before had at such short notice. Life as I know it is still changing and I think I need to enjoy moments like this for their simplicity and beauty just as they happen. And a beautiful day is a beautiful day, writing about it and looking at the last couple of days or the coming week might help me with it. Having a blog feels like having a good thing right now.  For the moment I can reflect on my thoughts and having the sunshine on my face, warming me on a cold day. Now I need some fresh air on my face, a walk will be great. More sun and a better view of what is around my village, let’s go and look at the world.

Dark again outside

Another weekend draws to an end and yet again to early!!! But, I have done a little more as I opted for on Friday and so in all not a bad one.

Done some reading watched a movie, or two or three and did some stuff in the house other than the usual cleaning and laundry. The sun was out and that made most of it so much easier.

The evenings on the couch with the candles and the fireplace and the world are a different place all together. Last night was the first one that I missed this pair of legs next to me on the couch, the thought didn’t last long as Merlin was about to start so thanks to the BBC my feeling of missing the other disappeared as by magic. After the things on TV ended I moved back to my book and enjoyed the warmth of the fireplace embracing me on the couch while reading one chapter after another, and let a fantasy world take me too far, far away places. Where summer lacked in moments where I could drift of to these magical places, these cold nights are making me catch up and feel like I have never been away from never land…. So to say.

The village has been quiet, and we all seem to have enjoyed the sunny moments over the weekend, we sat together and had our coffee and small talk, the things that make a village a village and it grows on me.

Because of great changes at work I have been thinking of starting to look for a second job to make things at home happen a little faster, and really take steps back when the navy lets go off me. So now waiting what will happen over the coming weeks, the year is also getting closer to an end and Xmas and the December preparations will fetch my attention. Before that I have a LGBT meeting and after that I will take one of the guys home for some relax moments here in the village and we might even go out to see a movie or so, and talk a lot, like last time, I imagine. 20 years in age difference does make good for a lot of talking, but we get along fine and it helps him on his way to, well we do not know yet. But at least I can guide him a little in this forest, we call life. We compare his views on everything with mine, be it relationships, faith, dating, sex you name it and we talk about it. No, its not only advice I give him, some moments I do learn and it makes me see things from a different angle and so after a few days I hope we both are the wiser.

Sunday evenings, how cozy they sound how short they seem to be nowadays, up early on the Monday makes going to bed early on a Sunday less pleasant. But it has to happen. So for now I am back to my Spanish course a little TV and than a chapter in my book before I attempt to sleep.

Sweet night my prince, where ever you are…….

Dark already outside......

a second .... when i close my eyes

Winter is coming, the nights get colder and we are planning to change the tyres on the car, is this the time to announce winter? The sun was out today and I even worked in the garden to get it ready for winter, and there it is again, winter. To be honest it feels like it is the time for it. The nights are noticeably shorter and it is still dark when I leave for work in the morning. Last week the farmers removed the last of the crops from the field and so autumn seems to be well on its way.

I noticed that there are still leaves on the trees in my garden so it seemed not yet time to start the end of the year routines. Sitting on the couch now surrounded by candles and having the fireplace warming the room my mind is more going towards the coming season.

Even when I find myself alone on my couch I am content with it. As of late it seems more couples are struggling with their relationships, and to be honest, that is not motivating me anymore in having or finding one.

Still having a husband in a way and having none in another, can one get more cryptic?

Missing is the guy next to me to cuddle and feeling the comfort and the peace because he is there, but on the other side having my freedom at home and not having to worry what goes on in his mind, on the balance, its quiet and when I need him I can always call him and I am fine afterwards. Funny how things can go, but things are fine, to be answering that question in a simple matter.

Vision is a thing we forget to mention or think about when we get married or decide to start a serious relationship. What would a not serious relationship be? Even with my butcher I have a somewhat serious relationship….. I do want to know what ends on my plate. For the moment how ever I am glad I have the place to myself, no dealing with others and their wishes, I know it sounds selfish but in a way I am done with that, or maybe just tired in doing so.  Now I have time for my books, movies and friends, and I can put them away or on hold when it suits me.

If I want to change the world or want mr. Perfect I just close my eyes and imagine, what ever I want and in 2 seconds I can change the world, organize world peace and even change my husband if I want. Fly to far away places I have never been and do things I don’t dear in real life. Imagination has been my lifelong friend, I have always been good in writing short stories and it helps me with the madness or stress off everyday life. Behind closed eyes everything is so easy, but it would be unfair to expect that from real life. Even my husband would be boring if he would fit the bill. We try to change so much of what we are giving in life and for what? Why did we go looking for it in the first place, sure I would like my love to be as it would suit me, but would that be honest? We should add to each others life and we should get out in the end the better. Today while cleaning I found my wedding vows, or rather ours, reading them it feels like it as been ages since we said these things to each other. They still sound nice, and so I might do something with it. Even with the divorce around the corner it is a memory I like to keep.

When I close my eyes

I can concur the world in 3 seconds

Climb towards heaven and live there

Make love in 2 seconds.

Build a castle in 1 and destroy it in one more

Burn all the money in the world.

Know what future will bring

But its all in my head

I would love to stay there

Thoughts come and go

I could stop time

Love again

Be invisible for a lifetime

See the world through your eyes

Close my eyes and walk through walls

And it is all in my head,

How I would have loved to stay there

Thoughts come and go

And I can fly, where ever desire takes me

But all in my head, all in a second

I think it is about time to close my eyes for a few seconds……….see what’s in my head

when the wind blows.......

Lying on the bed, the window open and listening to the storm-like winds outside, autumn is back and the sound of the wind is silencing the sound of my thoughts, in a moment where I want it to be quiet.

A busy and strange week came to an end and I am tired, of too many things I think, why do we think that much? Is that what makes us so special?

The clock tells me it is far from sleeping time,  I’m here way to early. But I needed darkness and the sound of the wind and the little cold entering the bedroom through the open window. As much as I long for sunshine, a beach and the sea, now the cold autumn air is my friend in sound and temperature.

Time for some more songs I selected, and try to drift away a little, to far, far away places or times long gone by, who knows?

I have to keep reminding myself
I'm not like anyone else
That's my face on my ID
That makes me V.I.P.
No one exactly like this
No one with my fingerprints

You stop with little changes,
'Till you don't know who you are
Surround yourself with friends
Who only call you a superstar
 
The sky is the limit
And I just wanna flow
Free as a spirit on a journey of hope
Cut the strings and let me go
I'm weightless, I'm weightless
Millions of balloons heading to the ground
Weight of the world tries to hold us down
Cut the strings and let me go

All the things I held in my fist
If I don't let go, I don't exist
They've become the things that define me
How I look and the things to buy me
That's not important anymore
I feel me rising off the floor
Light as a feather, I'm carefree
I'm weightless...

It seems to me you're so heavy,
And weighs you down like that
Don't wanna be someone I hate
'Cause that too make no sense...

The bed is warm and safe, the village quiet and the rain slashing against my window, the music on soft, so I can benefit from both. Indeed on a Friday night I could have been in many places doing so many different things but for now I enjoy being home.

Over the years being alone has become my second nature I noticed, far earlier than other people I long for moments to be alone, while on the other side I miss the one to put my arms around feel his heartbeat and forget what I cherish so much now. Talking with some friends I found out that it was hard to explain that I can be happy with just sharing moments like these without the other relationship stress of sex, money, house or car…… have I learned to enjoy the peace that is still to be found in this world or did I become boring? Should I worry about this? As I am on my own I don’t actually have to think about this, in a certain way I am happy to be alone. Sure there is someone I miss, but I miss him in the moment where he was asleep and sitting across from me reading while I was preparing the food, or being in the shower together, but I am not missing the moments where it felt like I had to entertain him, put on a show just to make him smile, this I do not miss. So having found the balance somewhere I think I have to settle in being alone and have the company of my friends when I want and need company. Ever since I moved back home my friends have grown even closer and we talk much more, we laugh and sometimes even share a tear. It feels I did come home, to face the music and the future. Things are still happening that shape my future even more, and it feels a little like growing up, the time has come to cut some strings with the past. Not yet ready to weigh anchor and sail into the unknown, I think I leave that for much later.

See the differences in people and find my weaknesses and strong points, I might even get on track with life, so far I have been hopping from one side to another, to have more “fun”. No it hasn’t always be fun, as my blog shows it hasn’t been a trip to the candy store, but it tought me a lesson in jumping and life’s candy.

If and when I close my eyes and pretend I can fly, well it still works for me…….. so back to the darkness that is now my bedroom, spread my arms and think of a different place and a different time with some different early morning noise.

insomnia, something to get sleepless nights over

Insomnia what an enemy that can be! I have had a bad trail of sleepless nights over the years but this one is a real devil! Since Friday I have been able to get as much as 8 hours of sleep….. Not as much as had hoped for, to be honest. Taking part of the afternoon of and hoping that I can get some rest on the couch or get to bed early. Also took Thursday off and simply hoping that sleep will catch up with me somewhere. At the moment to drive safely and be awake at my desk I am taking energy pills, I can only hope they are not the strong reason I still can not get a normal nights sleep.

No I am not tossing and turning over life, love or other mysteries just can’t get my head to fall asleep. Worst thing is I start hating myself for not being able to sleep, and I get upset with myself and than sleep is surely not happening. I have never been a good sleeper, always need more than 20 minutes to settle in my bed, but off late it has become even more difficult to close my eyes and say goodbye to the world for a few hours. I am aware that how older we get the less sleep we need, but someone for got to tell my body that!! It feels like I am running short on something. How funny life can be, as a kid I slept like any other one (well I think I did) and the first few years in the navy too, never a problem with hitting the sack, but the last few years it has become more and more a drama. I accepted that a few nights a months I had problems sleeping when it was only the odd one out, but that seem to have slowly grown into a bigger issue. My ex always noticed the few moments it occurred, he came downstairs and asked me to return to bed as when I was home and not in bed he could not sleep. He needed me next to him, funny how this never was the case on Sunday mornings when someone had to make breakfast…. Anyhow I had the odd one as I mentioned, but off late it really has turned into a nightmare, I tried sleeping aids, but some of them taste funny and maybe I am to strong minded to still want to test their ultimate strength. So I stayed awake an extra night just to prove that these natural drops, powders and pills weren’t worth the amount of money spend. What did help for a while were the chemical produced and doctor prescribed ones! Hell yeah!!!! I could sleep for hours on end, but you can get addicted to them, adding just another problem to the case, also not needed. So now back to short nights sleeping.

The sun has disappeared, and the first grey and dark clouds are glooming at the horizon, another wet period is approaching, how ever it seems to be getting sunnier over the weekend for a few days, good that I have a long weekend planned. On the other hand the weather forecast tells me, or us, that snow might be heading our way much earlier than we expect, we could be sliding over the boardwalk as early as mid November…. So better call the shop and have my winter tires ready!

A year is coming to an end, planning as I do my Christmas and new year period. Well not so much planning anymore as I already booked my ticket to Spain to see the new year arrive there.

But for now, checking where my umbrella is and what to have for lunch as it is almost to to head out.

Back to......... where did i start this morning??????

Back to work, I think we deserve a banner and add too like the one; back to school. It must be the early mornings and the drive to work that gets me in this mood. Yes, I know many people have to get up early and get to work and even drive longer than I do, as I see a lot of them on my way to work. Just need to give myself some moments to feel sorry for myself. Summer seems to be a thing of the past and I still feel I am in need for a holiday and several hours more of sleep.

Insomnia, not my best friend, and at the moment I am having a bad period, not more than 3 hours max of sleep at night. If and when this goes on this week I know that I will spend my weekend sleeping. My body is getting older and changing that I have accepted, but hey that doesn’t mean I do not need to, or in this case want to sleep.

Just having a bad habit of making things worse when there is another sleepless night, somehow my body is protesting in a different fashion as my brain is. In the end they seem to work together to keep me awake. And before you ask I am not thinking of world changing plans, passed and gone lovers or house make-over, maybe I try to hard blanking my mind!

However and whatever I just fail to fall asleep, and that mildly said is very annoying!

Now I am here in what is temporarily my office, an empty classroom as in my office there are not enough PC’s to host all the people in there and I can sit in the corner holding a book for hours and look busy, but that doesn’t get me very far, does it?

So back here where at least the blinds are open so that the little sunshine we have between showers can but some warmth and light into my office day.

Today is a good example of a Monday, started with rain, not enough rest and the feeling that somehow the weekend went by unnoticed. So now I am counting the hours till lunch, the highlight of my day, next to the moment I am climbing back into bed.

One good thing, I can write my blog in the moments between coffee and opening another folder to read even more boring reports. For the moment I am not having 5 day working weeks and I plan to keep that going for a while, I need to settle in here one step at the time. No running into things here.

Yesterday while I took my neighbor to the airport we had another talk about relationships, mine for that matter. Where am I or where am I going with mine? So first explained that there is none, just the ending of one, no new one on the horizon. As I am settling in at home I begin to have a different feeling, I like being on my own there, where I once had the feeling my still husband needed to be. This is no longer the case, I feel good alone, yes I do miss someone to hold in the evening or to cuddle with on a Sunday morning, but knowing what my soon to be ex is adding to that, it doesn’t make me long for it that much.

There is an app for everything, and we have long talks about nation’s futures, our car has an annual inspection certificate, so why is there no system that checks the BF? To make sure that when he says “I do”, we get what we ordered. If only things could be that easy, sure I want the dating process but not the after second phase handling. Once committed it should be only improving the model, make it more agreeable? What’s wrong with wanting that?

Somewhere I can here the answers just bouncing in here, and yes, I am sure you are all fine with the explanations, but still. All these dating sites, app’s and program’s we are able to list what we want, how old, tall, wide and heavy or light, so why not a certificate of matching to some longer term commitment?

We check our next one, or they one for that matter almost for everything but we remain “hopeful”, regarding the future. The mental checklist, we each have our own and we stick to it, for the most part, as the visual effect sometimes just blinds us. No I don’t consider it important whether he has killer-abs, he should have divine manners and seductive powers (to start with) but if I have to be practical he needs to be complimenting whoever I am, or want to be with him. I just want to be mentally fine and healthy together, we both have bodies that grow older everyday, but in spirit I want to reach a common ground where I want to stay for a long, very long time. Through in some other things like race, age, build, nationality and the cocktail for disaster only gets more explosive. Sure we want things in life to have flavor, but I just don’t think I should end up somewhere with a bitter taste.

Chocolates from the local bakery are taking care of my taste-buds just fine lately, but I have to manage that too otherwise the waist factor is adjusted to the wrong side of the spectrum. For now however this is doing me good, got some more time to think about what I want, or would like, and that all with a good taste of handmade chocolate truffles. (So good and comforting)

Never new that chocolate was also a good weather report tool, it helps me to forget that outside it is cold and rainy, even more that the last week. Inside the house and me it is warm and comfy, cuddled up on the couch the (seemingly) endless list of movies is making it even more bearable to stay inside and just think of nothing, not even the sound of buckets of water thrown by Mother Nature against my living room windows.

Time to go back to what I’m actually paid for, a thing called work…….. let’s focus on that, mainly because I ran out of truffles…….

in autumn a leave seldom falls alone

You can not turn back the clock to your happy time, and I found out that walking backwards is also not the way to get thing or moments back into your life.

The night outside is dark and cold and I think it is safe to say that summer is on the way out, not that it actually had happened, or I must have missed it.

It’s either me or the season but the movies on TV seem to become to be more romantic, and hence my mind wonders…. Or it just does, I do not think I need a season or a programme to watch to get in that mood. For that I know myself too well. Let’s just say something is hitting my button at the moment. Too much time on my hands or just having mental peace, something in that direction or a combination of many.

Suddenly I notice friends, family and neighbors around me struggling with their relationships; I assume the season really is changing. The leaves will start to fall by themselves soon, no longer in need of a strong wind to leave the branches.

Nature is taking the next turn, soon we will be looking for family and friends to be closer together and prepare and even celebrate Christmas, the time no one wants to be left alone. Sure I have my friends and family moments and plans, but I am also looking forward to that single day that I will spend alone, having the moment to myself, before I get ready to leave for Spain and prepare to start 2012. At present still weeks, even months away, but it’s coming and I am in my usual planning phase. An other item to add as a reason to be going romantic at the moment. Romance, should that automatically include love? Instinct probably makes it happen, but does it need to be? For me there are people who want to be in a relationship, some who want too and others who no longer want or care for it.

So much is changing but that picture seems to never change, the food for all the poems, songs, plays and god knows what else. By now I think it would be acceptable to have people who have no problem being and even staying single. So why does everybody expect them to end up together? At a certain age we still should have needs or what ever we going to call it, a biological clock seems to be ticking. Even man admits that they have a clock and are talking about wanting kids before they are too old. So liberal we got after decades of having things planned for us by parents and grant-parents, we still seem not having to grasp the “eternal single”. I admit I am one of those thinkers, even wit very close friends being such a single, for me it is not so much of needing to be together but I think that with being in a relationship I am more complete. But do I give the other enough space to complete me? Over the passed years I have been in several once and I like to believe that I have given the other enough space to add to my life, only to realize now that I wanted them to add to my life what I wanted them to add, and guess what? Indeed it didn’t really work, and there were more problems between the two of us, who ever it was I have been with, I tried to much to control what’s in my life or what was going to be added, controlling can sometimes be a little to much too handle even if it turns out to be your own life.

Somewhere down the line you get time to change once the world is turning a little slower and you find time to think. Good thing I can sometimes walk on and not think too much, I had plenty of years to do so. When does life stop to have turning points? At what age are things leveling out? Something’s might never change I am afraid and I think when I get old and wrinkly I might write some wise words about it. (Or not)

Will I have the wise words or solid advice when someone asks me for it, sometimes age is a guarantee for wise words or comments, or just the listening ear? Where I am today should be a point along that line, but more frequently I want to joke about life and the things I am noticing. Sometimes life, the world or other people are more serious or of the beaten track than I would care to handle. But part of growing up is to teach or help others, like the younger ones joining the force, nephews and nieces needing advice the rest can’t give them. The uncle that listens and id just not one of your parents. True, I must admit I’m getting better at it, but when it is about my own life I am the worst one too listen.

As things are settling in and I get the feeling of belonging here and in this place I might find my inner voice and start to listen, or maybe get a clearer picture of what my life should be like. We create our world, and sometimes we let someone in to lend us a hand. But as in reality sometimes that hand goes away and you find your self with a walking stick, to lean on and feel safe. At least it doesn’t expect you to make breakfast in the morning.

Ever after ......... is when?

Let me riddle you a ditty, it’s just an itty bitty, little thing on my mind.
About a boy and a girl, trying to take on the world one kiss at a time.
Now the funny thing about, ain’t a story without it, but the story is mine.
And I wish you could say, that it ended just fine.
We all want to know, how it ends.
Oh, happily ever after, wouldn’t you know, wouldn’t you know.
Oh, skip to the ending, would like to know, I’d like to know.
Author of the moment, can you tell me, do I end up, do I end up happy?
Inhale, breathe steady, exhale, like you’re ready, if you’re ready or not.
Just a boy and a girl trying to take on the world, and we want to get caught.
In the middle of a very happy ending, let’s see what we’ve got, let’s give it a shot.
Let’s give it a shot.
We all want to know, how it ends.
Oh, happily ever after, wouldn’t you know, wouldn’t you know.
Oh, skip to the ending, who would like to know, I’d like to know.
Author of the moment, can you tell me, do I end up, do I end up happy?
We all have a story to tell.
Whether we whisper or yell.
We all have a story, of adolescence and all its glory.
We all have a story to tell.
Oh, happily ever after, wouldn’t you know, wouldn’t you know.
Oh, skip to the ending, would like to know, I’d like to know.
Author of the moment, can you tell me, do I end up, do I end up happy?

It is funny how we watch something on TV and suddenly there is that song that just pops out above all other tunes you have been listening too, without paying attention as the episode had you more watching and listening to the dialogue. Somewhere in the story line this song has to take part of what is happening and it does, if only for that few seconds, but it’s there and in this case it grabbed my attention.
So what to do as to google it and find out more about it, modern times are not that bad when it comes to these things. Watching the world around me even in a little village time seems to be out of balance with the things we need or want to do. Sure change is good but sometimes I feel like I do not have the time to change before the next one is hitting me.
Yes we do get older and the world doesn’t take a break from spinning, although sometimes I wished it would. Last weekend at home I noticed how I am addicted to my mobile electronics, I use to be able to switch off my cell and simply enjoy the peacefulness my village has to offer. With me others have changed and with the availability off more apps we communicate through several media and it’s getting to a point where I do not know who contacts me where, hence my mobile world remains switched on.
Last week was a busy one and I had to get use to driving more than 5 minutes every morning, the new job and being on a course, so my MSN-messenger was off for a whole week, didn’t even think of it. Resulted in emails with the question if something was wrong or even worse. No I just did not go online as I was happy to just relax on the couch and watch some TV, I still have my phone and my cell, so if you need me, there is the solution.
Social Media, we can’t run from it anymore, sure we use it to talk with family and friends and so many others.
Shame I can’t shake my cell to get an answer to the question of life, love, money or family matters. No I haven’t found an app yet. Good that I found an app to recognize the tunes on tv….. that made my life so much easier.
For life itself I think I am my best app, not foolproof yet but I am working on it. Even windows needs a regular update, so why shouldn’t I? Still adapting to what life has to offer or throws at my feet. Sometimes I jump and many times I stop and wonder. Not every step I learn, or adapt but I do seem to notice the change around me, even more recently it feels like I am adjusting the course I am on. The same ending at the end of the road but the scenery seems to be a changing thing.
Leaving London was a thing that had to happen and I had to move on and into this life of working back in the “old place”, but more happened. Suddenly I find myself having a different look at things and people. Is this a wake-up call? I have no idea, maybe in the future that I can look back and write something good about all this, for now it feels different but not in a bad way. Somewhere, somehow it feels like more peace inside my head.
Being home every evening is even agreeing with me and I must admit; I love being home every night. The urge to travel and be somewhere else will roar it’s head again, off that I am sure but not in a way it has been alive over the past years. Time to settle and build the nest, maybe a big nest for one bird, but with enough room anyway.

Thinking about a happily ever after that can still happen.

Getting...... somewhere

A bit late but from last week:

Thursday, the sun is out and even the getting up early is getting easier, not that i am loving it but at least i get out of bed at the sound of the alarm.

The first days in the new job are a fact and although i have to get use to do something completely different from things i am trained in i am sure i will make it past the finish line well here.

Living and working from home is the thing i have to get settled in the most i think, it is different as to leaving my place in London to go to work.  Now i have to get organized in a place i use to camp in, but on th up side the house is feeling “happier”. The fact that windows are openend and the place is aired averyday seems to be doing the house well. The smell that normally greeted me after a few weeks away is gone, and it seems to be dryer in the place. There is a routine i need to find, and it will happen, but at the moment i’m tired when i arrive home and after my meal i dooze of in front of the TV only to wake up one hour later and think of myself as an old man….. who just needs his nap, yes, i know that is bull… and i just have to settle in to the early mornings and driving bit and even more important going to bed early to get the hours of sleep i need. That seems to be the hard part here as i still enjoy watching my movie or episodes in the evening. It has only been a few days and yes i need more time to get this in to a schedule and in a few weeks this will feel normal and hoepfully i can learn to go to bed early and actually try to sleep. Still tempted to much to read a book and feel that coming home is really coming home, and to me that includes reading a book in bed before falling asleep. But we all know how nice that is.

This week i am really looking forward to the weekend and to mornings with no alarms and time to relax, next to the fact that the household tasks will be waiting for me, laundry cleaning etc…. oooohhh bliss!!!! Not mentioning that i still have to unpack a few pieces of luggage as my bedroom still looks like there has just been an airstrike. It is just not easy to organize this, i need structure but haven’t found it yet in which way i would like to manage it. Buying the boxes to store it will be the first step, after that it is doing a sweep in the attic to get rid of things that for to long now have been following me around where ever i have been the last decade. Yeap, i have my work cut out for me. Who knows, i might get something started over the weekend. The thought is there and i will really give it a try, but next to cleaning and laundry i can’t promise it will happen. Sure my bedroom will be done as i hate to do a survival training exercise to reach my bed. I need my clear space and not the danger of breaking a leg because i have to jump over suitcases.

Aaaaaaaaah work has arrived so back to that……..

Gloomy Sunday......... really??????

What is wrong with me? It is Sunday and I was making coffee at 0800 ……. That is so far from my average Sunday morning, I can’t even remember being up this early other than the times I had a shift to attend.

The sun is out, well between the clouds from time to time, out of bed indeed but still lazy. There is a lot to do around the house but I just can not get into the mood. Next to that I got all the time in the world to get my house in order.

Spend last night eating pancakes at the neighbors and had a nice evening and some good old fashioned laughs, 4 gays and a girl, almost material for soap. We talked a lot how things used to be, and I almost felt like one of the golden girls, so I had a private smile and a lot of funny thoughts.

One more sign of settling in at home, seems to be one step closer to picking up where I once left off. Tomorrow is a working day and the first one in the new office, I wonder if things will be like they used to at the “old” school. From my last visit I only noticed that some it has gone or shifted, time does change things and even this place, now about to be demolished has not withstand the test of times. Although I never liked the place it holds the memories of where things once started for me, my first lessons of a job and career that is now slowly coming to an end. Walking the old hallways and still smelling like time stood still, it will sure trigger some cherished moments we, my class and me, had during our education there. From he first time I left the school I tried to stay away as much and as far possible, for I hated that place. Now I am finishing my career in a place that shaped it for me. Where I went and what ever I did, that was mostly my doing and I can already look back to a period where the world was my playground and I never thought of the day where my traveling ends, that day has come.

If you would have asked me a week ago, this would have been much more drama, but now, it is different, things are ahead, and much more is to come. The only thing I am not sure off is if I will like my new job, somehow I don’t feel like I will fit in, I just accepted it to have a job to get me to the finish line. Now to secure my last years I might have to do something I do not like or am not the right person for, but I just have to do it. Remembering that the job will be from 0830 till 1600 and after that I have other things to focus on.

The sun is still out, and I am in need of a summer feeling I notice, wanna be in the sun read a book and relax. On my way to Amsterdam last week I started to read again, and I seem to be falling back into reading before bedtime. For a long time I could not read because I could not get my head around it and now things seem to become more relaxed and things falling into place. I wish my suitcases and boxes could do the same without me. Next week after work I have to start clearing a few things, as my wardrobe is about to explode. So far I have sorted some things but my suitcases are still full of the UK life.

Then there are the boxes in the attic still filled with the Bahrain life, time to sort out my history of the resent past. There must be things I can loose, and after that there is the Christmas collection. If possible I might even go through that and sort what ever I can drop from those boxes as they seem to be pilling up to become Santa’s Mountain.

Ok for now, I have to get up from what I am doing and get something done as I have friends coming over for dinner, the last ones to celebrate me coming home. Have to make dessert otherwise it will not set in time. Feels like writing will be something I am going to pick up too. Well at least at the moment it does.

No longer dancing in the dark

It’s Saturday and I am at home, this time really at home! No funny feelings this morning or earlier the week, I have no urge to hop in the car and head for the ferry. As my neighbor says; it might still come.

Asking me, well it can stay where it is, the feeling that is. Remembering how I left the UK before after 6 years and thought I would not be able to go back to being in Holland, but I made it than and it looks like I am making it now. True a few things have changed in a short time and thus require some of my energy and thoughts, but overall, I am doing fine. Change isn’t such a bad thing; my mood even is going along. You know this, when the head wants one thing but the heart is looking somewhere else. All of me ( and that’s a couple of pounds) is heading in the same direction, whether I am gonna like it or not is to be seen.

On this planet my worries and fears are not the heaviest and some people face a harder time than me, and somehow mine don’t feel heavy anymore. Last week I visited a friend, and we had a great day, we talked and talked and talked even more, as I left it felt like we could have gone on for hours. This time however we could not be saved by an empty phone battery, the cause of so many talks ending early, whether it is early in the morning or early in time, it sets the limits for our talks, a little over an hour and than the set dies….. Well his not mine!!!

The last weeks have been a mixture of every step op life, while talking to others, young, old and my own age, only to present me with a picture that every age has its charms and problems. Some are not standard when we turn 20; they keep hunting us from time to time. The fear of one of my friends turning 30 next year is so overpowering that me becoming 50 fades into nothingness….. And I should not be afraid, I should be proud, I made it!!!! Might not be in a fashion I once dreamed of but it got me there.

Well still have a year, but this way I can practice my smile, and look amazing!!!! Monday will be a start, a start towards the day I leave my sheltered job, I can still say sheltered, and others are not that lucky or will be that lucky. All the complaining I did over the past years actually has to be seen as me being a wimp, how often do I tell a person to stand up and face the music, the pain is there but it can only hurt once, it is like the dentist, better get it over with.

Summer is slowly drawing to an end, and we might ask what summer? This was truly a bad one, and I am fortunate with the sunny days in Spain I had….. At least I was able to swim in the sea and relax on a beach. Now I wait another year for another session. The coming months will be adjusting to Holland, talking to my new found friends and starting a life at home, from my house, my shelter. The world has become smaller, but I noticed it isn’t as dull as I thought. What ever lies ahead, I am going to face it, and I will deal with it. Some steps I will take alone a few with friends and some with family, but never without a hand to hold me when I am afraid or think the ice is way to slippery.

When looking the least your eyes are opening for so much more and it can be beautiful even when dredged by a sudden rain shower, where you get wet but not cold. In the midst of a group you can be quiet en still make noise by just looking and being who you are, because we are all part of a bigger plan.

Life doesn’t just happen, you can make it happen, we are free, free all the time!!!

Borders, lines and boxes......

Why is when we move or getting our house in order we find parts of our life we can suddenly do without?

For almost 2 days now I am shifting boxes and bags from one corner to another in the idle hope of finding space or order in things. So far I have filled other boxes and containers with loads of stuff coming out of other boxes and or bags, am I really creating order in chaos or just changing the outside of the box they were in, in the first place?

I wonder why it is or rather feels like nothing is changing in a situation that has completely changed. Tomorrow evening I know things will definitely be in a different order as I hope my basement, the place where all things undefined go, will be a clean organized space. This should be the start sign of getting my house on track to being a home.

This evening on the couch I watched a movie where so much that happened also seemed to be part of my life, it made me frown, just a little as at my age we should be worried about every forced wrinkle. It didn’t take long to realize that every body has these moments. Not the only one with bad luck on this world, so with a smile thinking that all isn’t that bad.

The quick plan of cleaning and getting things in order just can’t go that fast without loosing track of other items. And this way I know what I am doing and hopefully by the end of the year I can still remember where I put some things I need in that season of festivity.

The neighbors are happy to see me, not leaving! Not to have the feeling to have to drive to the ferry is not yet settled, so it will take some time. Starting next week at my new job will probably help realizing the change in my head. Someone told me it is only something that takes time and that is it, to me it is a little more than that because it also is a big financial change, so I have to get use to a budget again. After all those years I go back to basic. I just have too, otherwise there will be bigger troubles at the horizon. Positive is my attitude and somehow I am going to make it. Adjusting is the magic word here, and that will be on track in a while.

Seems like life has to get organized and playing somewhere on the globe has become history, when I cross borders in the future it will be for a holiday.

Time to find my lines and borders to cross or not cross, that is the question…….

Landing on both feet..... leaving a boat

It’s about time I climb back into the keyboard and post a blog, I keep on trying but I also keep on failing, I almost need a reminder in my calendar to tell me it’s about time to do something.

But I am back, back in many ways, back at a house I now need to call home in more than one way, back in a country I seem to have been avoiding for too long, back in a life that has more stability and less traveling.

As I went on my holiday I promised to write more and probably more regular than before, guess what I didn’t! Funny enough.

So back home between boxes, bags and other heaps of my life I sit and write, or rather give it a try. So much is still going on in my head and in my life, which I still have to adjust to so much. A few weeks ago I was only thinking of moving back to my country and getting older, now there is much more, and it is in a good way. Closing one door doesn’t really mean an end to things but in my case rather: Hello World here I am, a little different but still me, so what is out there?

Out there, well there is a lot, and so I noticed, but only after I had some talks with friends and neighbors as I was going through a “mid-life thingy", and it was a big one, didn’t see that one coming, Ever been hit by a bus? I haven’t but I kinda have a feeling what that must be like.

Having these friends and family was always a blessing but this time they carried me across my deepest water, and I am the one serving in the navy!!!

As we get older we get wiser, sure that’s the plan, but who made that statement? And why is when we go mad; “Stupid OLD cow”? And that is just one of a list as long as my arm.

Well I am getting old with mixed feelings, but I share some of them so it’s no longer that heavy, that’s one solution.

Back to the last weeks, packing cleaning and ending my job and life in the UK was unfolding in a different way, moments where I wanted to stay and moments where I was just eager to get out. In the end I left with a smile on my face and yet another carload of my life.

Over a period of 2 weeks and 2 trips I packed my traveling life into my car and brought it home, I was able to measure my last years in boxes an bags. Now they are added to my house my safe haven which turned out to be more a camping site the last years as too being a home. While trying to fit my life into my place I noticed a change in atmosphere, the house will no longer be empty for long periods or be treated like a shelter. The next thing I noticed was that things will get a different place and order as from now on I will life here and need some items more regular than others, so I need to change form an occasional use into a more routine kind of way. That goes from my car to the water kettle, with this thought I need to rearrange my house. Well I will maybe find some things I no longer need or can store somewhere else. Let’s see how that is going to be.

Another thing that helped me in the last weeks was a little but colorful boat trip through the Amsterdam Canals. Yes, I know, don’t remind me, but it was a great and amazing day. Gay Pride and I was on a boat, together with my colleagues of all kind.. The day started with me driving towards Amsterdam in all but a very positive mood, I was to tired and worn out of the changes in the recent days and not in the mood for an “all day, all gay inclusive” event.

Once changed into uniform and enjoying my first coffee I noticed a sort of happiness in the air that was pleasant and it felt like I should just absorb it, so I put my mind on blanc and decided to just let it happen.

After a few words, speeches and the usual bla bla bla, we went outside to practice the way we would do our “act”. The first big laughter happened there and we would share that with the world as is was shown on TV later that day. It took some explaining and exercising but we got the picture and the routine. Once on the boat we took off, 85 people out there on a boat showing that you can be who you are and wear a uniform. The sky was almost clear and just after departure a few raindrops made us wonder what it would be like the rest of the day. Because of our size (we gay man seem to like big things…….) we arrived at the gathering point and we had to be parked before setting off on our tour through the city. It took us something like 30 minutes to get there and the first friendships were already happening, as most of the guys and girls on the boat were strangers to each other. Yes we wear a uniform, but even than diversity is a bigger thing than just being gay or a variety of it. The armed forces were bonding beyond the limits of their branches. We were out there to make it happen together!!! We were a proud and gay bunch, even with some non gay members on board.

There was a atmosphere on board that was beaming of joy and togetherness what ever the outcome would be to the public. We were all aware of the codes for the day, in uniform you still have to behave according to the rules, but they didn’t stop us being in a great mood and have fun, we might not dance and jump but we could wave and smile and I think by just being there we showed Amsterdam, my country and even the World that we were proud of who we are and the job we are doing.

Almost at the end of my career within the armed forces I was part of this and I can only hope to do a few more before I hand in my uniform and leave my space for the next generation. It made me proud and more than that because of the people around me my day was like one big rainbow that I was feeling and I had no need of my pink glasses to give the world more color, it was even when there were cloud a day of sunshine and warmth. Amsterdam has never been a place where I felt happy or in any way at ease, but now sailing through the canals it was one big party, a communal feeling a celebration of the person that is within me, even when I am actually at work, so to say. Yes I am aware that some people only see the uniform and not the guy or girl in it, but even this fetish or simple thought could not take away the feeling inside me. People from all layers and all ages and backgrounds where clapping, shouting and showing their support. The energy could have powered a whole city for days. It sure gave me something.

After an amazing tour we ended up in a place where the minister launched a LGBT platform, of which I noticed very little as we were trying to dry up after a heavy rain shower and outside it was much more entertaining than the “political” indoors activity. Sure, and yes it is important that we have this, but it was crowded with god knows who thinks him self important, so smelling like a wet sheep I rather stayed outside and dry a little while drinking my pink champagne, something we damn well deserved!

Talking with colleagues meeting new people feeling this communal energy and joy, life was sunny, even with rain soaked trousers, how funny life can be.

The joy and feel-good feeling of the day had me in its grip and I must have been radiating with joy that afternoon. The happening came to an end and on the way back to the base to change and go home I was surrounded by my new friends, facebook and other social media suddenly showed a hyper activity.

As I drove back I was still on a high and felt sad that I wasn’t able to join the gang as they went into Amsterdam, I looked in my mirror and actually thought I would see somebody else’s face, me, wanting to go out in Amsterdam? There must have been a drug in the water they served us? Or was I finally in my mid-life crisis and filled with hormonal emotions? Slightly confused but still amazingly happy I arrived home and was invited by my neighbor to talk about the day as she spotted me on TV giving a little interview. She let me talk and talk and talk even more, just to comment; I haven’t seen you this happy in a long, long, long time. We chatted some more and all my doubts and worries about what was and what was about to happen in my life faded away.

Now a few days later I am still on that buzz, not as much as on the day but still I feel a changed man. The one in uniform and the private one have changed, and almost overnight I must say. Sure I will have my moments, but I think I arrived closer to the person I want to be and the places I can go and still be myself, Amsterdam is no more and enemy, just a city where I can choose to let it have an impact or just take and give as I please, for I am in control of my world and not someone else or a city where the past has treated me bad. This is me now and from here I go forward. See what will happen and deal with it.

As I also found out that I have not been the easiest person to be around, but, and this is a big but, I will keep my principals to deal with life and people, but they will be a base from where to build my life at home now, in my own country as the world is now a place a visit and no longer my playground where I can play hide and seek for things that happen close to heart and home.

It was fun all those years, now time has come to go out and about and meet new friends and have a life close to my front door.