It’s Saturday and I am at home, this time really at home! No funny feelings this morning or earlier the week, I have no urge to hop in the car and head for the ferry. As my neighbor says; it might still come.
Asking me, well it can stay where it is, the feeling that is. Remembering how I left the UK before after 6 years and thought I would not be able to go back to being in Holland, but I made it than and it looks like I am making it now. True a few things have changed in a short time and thus require some of my energy and thoughts, but overall, I am doing fine. Change isn’t such a bad thing; my mood even is going along. You know this, when the head wants one thing but the heart is looking somewhere else. All of me ( and that’s a couple of pounds) is heading in the same direction, whether I am gonna like it or not is to be seen.
On this planet my worries and fears are not the heaviest and some people face a harder time than me, and somehow mine don’t feel heavy anymore. Last week I visited a friend, and we had a great day, we talked and talked and talked even more, as I left it felt like we could have gone on for hours. This time however we could not be saved by an empty phone battery, the cause of so many talks ending early, whether it is early in the morning or early in time, it sets the limits for our talks, a little over an hour and than the set dies….. Well his not mine!!!
The last weeks have been a mixture of every step op life, while talking to others, young, old and my own age, only to present me with a picture that every age has its charms and problems. Some are not standard when we turn 20; they keep hunting us from time to time. The fear of one of my friends turning 30 next year is so overpowering that me becoming 50 fades into nothingness….. And I should not be afraid, I should be proud, I made it!!!! Might not be in a fashion I once dreamed of but it got me there.
Well still have a year, but this way I can practice my smile, and look amazing!!!! Monday will be a start, a start towards the day I leave my sheltered job, I can still say sheltered, and others are not that lucky or will be that lucky. All the complaining I did over the past years actually has to be seen as me being a wimp, how often do I tell a person to stand up and face the music, the pain is there but it can only hurt once, it is like the dentist, better get it over with.
Summer is slowly drawing to an end, and we might ask what summer? This was truly a bad one, and I am fortunate with the sunny days in Spain I had….. At least I was able to swim in the sea and relax on a beach. Now I wait another year for another session. The coming months will be adjusting to Holland, talking to my new found friends and starting a life at home, from my house, my shelter. The world has become smaller, but I noticed it isn’t as dull as I thought. What ever lies ahead, I am going to face it, and I will deal with it. Some steps I will take alone a few with friends and some with family, but never without a hand to hold me when I am afraid or think the ice is way to slippery.
When looking the least your eyes are opening for so much more and it can be beautiful even when dredged by a sudden rain shower, where you get wet but not cold. In the midst of a group you can be quiet en still make noise by just looking and being who you are, because we are all part of a bigger plan.
Life doesn’t just happen, you can make it happen, we are free, free all the time!!!
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