in autumn a leave seldom falls alone

You can not turn back the clock to your happy time, and I found out that walking backwards is also not the way to get thing or moments back into your life.

The night outside is dark and cold and I think it is safe to say that summer is on the way out, not that it actually had happened, or I must have missed it.

It’s either me or the season but the movies on TV seem to become to be more romantic, and hence my mind wonders…. Or it just does, I do not think I need a season or a programme to watch to get in that mood. For that I know myself too well. Let’s just say something is hitting my button at the moment. Too much time on my hands or just having mental peace, something in that direction or a combination of many.

Suddenly I notice friends, family and neighbors around me struggling with their relationships; I assume the season really is changing. The leaves will start to fall by themselves soon, no longer in need of a strong wind to leave the branches.

Nature is taking the next turn, soon we will be looking for family and friends to be closer together and prepare and even celebrate Christmas, the time no one wants to be left alone. Sure I have my friends and family moments and plans, but I am also looking forward to that single day that I will spend alone, having the moment to myself, before I get ready to leave for Spain and prepare to start 2012. At present still weeks, even months away, but it’s coming and I am in my usual planning phase. An other item to add as a reason to be going romantic at the moment. Romance, should that automatically include love? Instinct probably makes it happen, but does it need to be? For me there are people who want to be in a relationship, some who want too and others who no longer want or care for it.

So much is changing but that picture seems to never change, the food for all the poems, songs, plays and god knows what else. By now I think it would be acceptable to have people who have no problem being and even staying single. So why does everybody expect them to end up together? At a certain age we still should have needs or what ever we going to call it, a biological clock seems to be ticking. Even man admits that they have a clock and are talking about wanting kids before they are too old. So liberal we got after decades of having things planned for us by parents and grant-parents, we still seem not having to grasp the “eternal single”. I admit I am one of those thinkers, even wit very close friends being such a single, for me it is not so much of needing to be together but I think that with being in a relationship I am more complete. But do I give the other enough space to complete me? Over the passed years I have been in several once and I like to believe that I have given the other enough space to add to my life, only to realize now that I wanted them to add to my life what I wanted them to add, and guess what? Indeed it didn’t really work, and there were more problems between the two of us, who ever it was I have been with, I tried to much to control what’s in my life or what was going to be added, controlling can sometimes be a little to much too handle even if it turns out to be your own life.

Somewhere down the line you get time to change once the world is turning a little slower and you find time to think. Good thing I can sometimes walk on and not think too much, I had plenty of years to do so. When does life stop to have turning points? At what age are things leveling out? Something’s might never change I am afraid and I think when I get old and wrinkly I might write some wise words about it. (Or not)

Will I have the wise words or solid advice when someone asks me for it, sometimes age is a guarantee for wise words or comments, or just the listening ear? Where I am today should be a point along that line, but more frequently I want to joke about life and the things I am noticing. Sometimes life, the world or other people are more serious or of the beaten track than I would care to handle. But part of growing up is to teach or help others, like the younger ones joining the force, nephews and nieces needing advice the rest can’t give them. The uncle that listens and id just not one of your parents. True, I must admit I’m getting better at it, but when it is about my own life I am the worst one too listen.

As things are settling in and I get the feeling of belonging here and in this place I might find my inner voice and start to listen, or maybe get a clearer picture of what my life should be like. We create our world, and sometimes we let someone in to lend us a hand. But as in reality sometimes that hand goes away and you find your self with a walking stick, to lean on and feel safe. At least it doesn’t expect you to make breakfast in the morning.