Love in or is a hopeless place

A new year is on it's way and sometimes it feels like last year. Why is it that we celebrate the coming of a new year with so many festivities hope and prey that all will be different in the new one.
Most of us make plans and hope for the best, so do i, only to wake up to a new year with the same old problems as the last one, every time it just takes a few days before i am back on the carpet with my feet, only to see that no one even took the effort to vacuum while i was flying on the new years high.

Well I have landed safely, and am able to have a good look around. This is a big one for me, I will turn 50, a big step. Not so huge as it used to be as this would have been the year I would stop working, but that has been post-phoned with another 3 years. Now it is back to every day life and every day thingies.

Winter still hasn't arrived yet, well it did on the calender but outside things seems to be upside down, nature is a little bit off. Tulips are sprouting and the flowers are almost blooming and just today I read in the newspaper that the Russian cold is on its way. So we will have cold air, freezing temperatures and who knows we might even have snow. Late but not too late it seems it's going to be cold.

AS I am back on my diet this week, not something to look forward too, as I will probably be glued to the radiator when the loosing weight kicks in.
Like many people going on a diet I am trying to wonder why again I am doing it, but come summer I might see the results in the mirror. Feel better and be able to do my fitness test without collapsing on the side of the road.

I might even try to give it a go to write more as this year is sure going to be different. So in 11 months we will know what it actually is going to be, and I can look back on 50 years being me.

Like the day I was born I am still single, and still with my family. So sometimes things do not change....

For the moment I am still trying to settle and trying to find some joy in my work as due to local and other issues the workplace isn't the nicest place to be anymore. Normally I can see pass that but now I am just annoyed and frustrated, so much I need days off at home to get my mind around it, rest and try to get motivated.
Why it has recently hid my head I do not know, but many things are going through my mind and I do not seem to be able to park some thoughts in the back of my mind.

Part of it seems to be my marriage, bits and pieces are still hanging around, and it seems to be that not all is forgiven of forgotten/

Last night I listened to some songs and one of them was “finding love in a hopeless place”, I don;t know that where I found it it was hopeless but for sure it was a different place.
In my mind I have been going back and looked at hings that changed from that day. From the first moment we kissed I did fall in love, now over the years I only start to realize how much, or I rather start to understand what love seems to be. A simple four letter word that can cause so much harm, and pleasure of course. Over the last years I have written much about me, him and that little that was us. Many of what if's have crawled up on me. Should I believe that he did not loved me just wanted a ticked out, and that all was fake? Well I can believe that and not be happy, or I can just remember that at night he rolled over and fell in a deep sleep and for minutes, hours didn't move as he noticed I was near and my arms were around him. Safe and secure. What, however would my love mean for someone who is not used to being loved without condition? Who doesn't actually know what it means to be in love, because somewhere down the line he has lost his track and only thinks that loving someone means moving on and getting better in life. That living in a certain life is all you need, where so much is just make believe and where other things only last as long as you have your looks. This world I never understood or are part of as it will never be my path the pick, but I think I lost someone to it I truly loved and still do, as each and every day he is in my mind, I am getting use to the idea that where I might have loved him for what he made me feel on the inside and look behind his outside to find someone hiding who hopefully one day gets the chance to come-out. For us it seems love was a one way street, but how ever he did and why he did it, I still have these moment where he wasn't aware of his feelings and I was able to see him, hold him and watch for sometimes hours on end. The outcome will still be the same, we are no longer an “we”, but I know what it feels like to be truly in love, from now on when I want to be together with someone I will know it will never be like this, even thought is was one sided, I have the memory, now I have to compromise and try to get close into feeling what I had for a few moments in a country far away and so different from what I call home, where I took it in the end, only to see magic end, but learning what it means to be in love.

Wonder what this year will teach me, and what I will find along the way....

The start of the year where i will be.......

When the calls and conversations
Accidents and accusations
Messages and misperceptions
Paralyze my mind

Busses, cars, and airplanes leaving
Burning fumes of gasoline
And everyone is running
And I come to find a refuge in the

Easy silence that you make for me
It's okay when there's nothing more to say to me
And the peaceful quiet you create for me
And the way you keep the world at bay for me

And anger plays on every station
Answers only make more questions
I need something to believe in
Breathe in sanctuary in the

Easy silence that you make for me
It's okay when there's nothing more to say to me
And the peaceful quiet you create for me
And the way you keep the world at bay for me

Children lose their youth too soon
Watching war made us immune
And I've got all the world to lose
But I just want to hold on to the

Easy silence that you make for me
It's okay when there's nothing more to say to me
And the peaceful quiet you create for me
And the way you keep the world at bay for me

Walked around my favorite spanish town yesterday and was able to enjoy the first warm air this year and it felt amazing. Just walking along the beach and listening to some music. This song came up as i just sat down to enjoy the sun, and took of my jacket. It's january and i can sit on a beach in a t-shirt....... isn't the world great this way?

Than indeed all i long for is a bit of silence in a world that otherwise makes so much noise, and it doesn't seem to want to shut up. So when i than look back at the moments and remember that's exactly what I could from him, peace and no noise. This song just brought back that memory. With the Christmas period just gone and finished another “happy” period passed but what a load of noise it makes and I must admit it indeed creates some end of the year stress.

My festive season was even extended as I celebrated the Christmas days at home but after rolled into the festive season in spain, and they go on till 6^th of January. Yesterday was the first festive zone free day, and what a great one it was! Don't get me wrong, I love being here but what a blessing a quiet day can be!

2012 has arrived, it should have been a year full of changes, but it is somewhat limited, as where I supposed to be going on retirement this year that has been moved to 2014, but I am still turning 50. Something that needs celebrating, as tradition demands. So I better plan ahead as it is going to be a family thing I can not escape. So from today I got a couple of months to get use to that idea, trust me it is still not easy. Around me I do have noticed that things just seem to take their course, well my head is telling me something everyday it seems.

Still call it officially becoming a old man, but maybe I should look forward as a new way off life will start in 2 years from now, and prepare for that. There are still some things that need closing and ending so I can go easy into retirement and focus on things after being let go.

So many years of working, and yes I realize other people have to work much longer and more than I ever did or will do, but still it is my everyday life, and the navy does take you in to it's own world where over the years you get use too so many things. For the moment I have set some goals to reach at 50 and some at 52 when indeed my job comes to an end. This year is to see what I can actually handle in that period and what things I was able to close and move on.

The ball is rolling and now I have to keep it on track, and it's not going to be easy but with some help en good thinking and a little planning it should be possible.

Who know's I might even list next year what I actually managed to do, so I am not going to tell the goals I set for this year I will just let it happen and hope for the best as some factors are not in my hands. One thing is going to happen and that is that I will be officially single again this year and my ex should be of a different nationality as when we started this marriage. Time to close that door and hopefully by summer that goal will be met.

For know, a few more quiet moments and finishing some emails and naturally post this little piece.

Feliz ano

A new year new chances, new ideas and new hope of winning this lottery that would change everything. In another room my friends are celebrating the beginning of the new year, kinda loud is I might say. But it's the way the Spanish celebrate.

Looking forward to, I have absolutely no clue, and I think it will be best if I keep a very open mind the coming time. To much is changing lately, some at work some in the private every day life.

Things that seem certain are suddenly no longer certain, the country is in a recession but it takes almost everybody with it. Jobs are disappearing and people loose hope in what ever they might had planned a little over a year ago. Yes the world celebrates but in a different way, I noticed at Christmas that there are less and less decorations in the houses or even outside, nobody seemed to be in the mood for Christmas. These winter days felt so much colder and different from all these times before. Still I can remember the days when we went out and danced the night away, OK, I might be a little bit to old to find myself in a dancing but still the fun seem to have almost disappeared. Now I kind of understand what people felt years ago when they talked about the past. They were good times, merely because we forget the bad things and linger on the good times, as one should.

The year here in Spain started foggy and wet, with a light drizzle, indeed it an only get better, but ask me again after we climb out of bed later today...... My friend already told me there be relaxed moments and more food, more food? As if I need more, I already feel like exploding. The party is getting louder and I count myself happy they are not really missing me and I can sit here and write. Next to that I can think undisturbed. There is much to think about when one year ends and the other starts, that is when you are not drunk and passing out.

Not drinking has an advantage, although I'm, to others, not so funny. What they don't get is that I am happy, not in particular because my life is doing so well, but more in general, I have amazing friends and family and next to that I am settling in to being at home, so the fact that I am not happy at work is just a little thing. Work is just giving me the means to have a happy life after working hours.

Being in Spain means being away from home and little troubles there, but my mind is still with some people I do not see everyday. Some I do miss more than others, but I do miss them. My head is finally around the fact that you can love someone madly and know he will never go away, but living together would be more like an every day war as to the lovely home and house play.

It took a while to accept that some things just can't be changed or should not be changed, while others in time will, but by itself and not forced. In personal life you can not be to impatient, and yet, it still happens. In the attempt to be happy we sometimes forget to walk carefully on the selected path ahead. When in love we sometimes handle it like a storm and we sail head on into it. We read so many books and articles, see a mountain of movies all about love and still we have sometimes no clue how to handle our own.

Over the past year I have made some grown-up steps and noticed more about the facts of life, not only the happy ones and suddenly some pieces of the game fell in place and I found myself able to understand them. My husband I might not fully understand, but some facts and partly myself I seem to see more clearly.

Funny the things life puts on your plate sometimes, and its hard to digest sometimes, but in the end I will.

Thanks to good friends and a lot of talking I have been able to really put some things in the past and other in their place. At last I know what falling in love with “the one”, means and that although he might be it for you, you might just not be “it”, to him. There is more to it that I would have ever expected and not in the places I looked or wanted it. But it was and still is there. Not to ever go away, but what ever happens I have the, be it little, satisfaction that I do know what it feels like.

Enough said for this first day of 2012, time to do something else while waiting for the guest to leave so I can get the sofa off my bed and go to sleep........ as I want and in a way need my sleep.

Feliz ano

A new year new chances, new ideas and new hope of winning this lottery that would change everything. In another room my friends are celebrating the beginning of the new year, kinda loud is I might say. But it's the way the Spanish celebrate.

Looking forward to, I have absolutely no clue, and I think it will be best if I keep a very open mind the coming time. To much is changing lately, some at work some in the private every day life.

Things that seem certain are suddenly no longer certain, the country is in a recession but it takes almost everybody with it. Jobs are disappearing and people loose hope in what ever they might had planned a little over a year ago. Yes the world celebrates but in a different way, I noticed at Christmas that there are less and less decorations in the houses or even outside, nobody seemed to be in the mood for Christmas. These winter days felt so much colder and different from all these times before. Still I can remember the days when we went out and danced the night away, OK, I might be a little bit to old to find myself in a dancing but still the fun seem to have almost disappeared. Now I kind of understand what people felt years ago when they talked about the past. They were good times, merely because we forget the bad things and linger on the good times, as one should.

The year here in Spain started foggy and wet, with a light drizzle, indeed it an only get better, but ask me again after we climb out of bed later today...... My friend already told me there be relaxed moments and more food, more food? As if I need more, I already feel like exploding. The party is getting louder and I count myself happy they are not really missing me and I can sit here and write. Next to that I can think undisturbed. There is much to think about when one year ends and the other starts, that is when you are not drunk and passing out.

Not drinking has an advantage, although I'm, to others, not so funny. What they don't get is that I am happy, not in particular because my life is doing so well, but more in general, I have amazing friends and family and next to that I am settling in to being at home, so the fact that I am not happy at work is just a little thing. Work is just giving me the means to have a happy life after working hours.

Being in Spain means being away from home and little troubles there, but my mind is still with some people I do not see everyday. Some I do miss more than others, but I do miss them. My head is finally around the fact that you can love someone madly and know he will never go away, but living together would be more like an every day war as to the lovely home and house play.

It took a while to accept that some things just can't be changed or should not be changed, while others in time will, but by itself and not forced. In personal life you can not be to impatient, and yet, it still happens. In the attempt to be happy we sometimes forget to walk carefully on the selected path ahead. When in love we sometimes handle it like a storm and we sail head on into it. We read so many books and articles, see a mountain of movies all about love and still we have sometimes no clue how to handle our own.

Over the past year I have made some grown-up steps and noticed more about the facts of life, not only the happy ones and suddenly some pieces of the game fell in place and I found myself able to understand them. My husband I might not fully understand, but some facts and partly myself I seem to see more clearly.

Funny the things life puts on your plate sometimes, and its hard to digest sometimes, but in the end I will.

Thanks to good friends and a lot of talking I have been able to really put some things in the past and other in their place. At last I know what falling in love with “the one”, means and that although he might be it for you, you might just not be “it”, to him. There is more to it that I would have ever expected and not in the places I looked or wanted it. But it was and still is there. Not to ever go away, but what ever happens I have the, be it little, satisfaction that I do know what it feels like.

Enough said for this first day of 2012, time to do something else while waiting for the guest to leave so I can get the sofa off my bed and go to sleep........ as I want and in a way need my sleep.