Stay dry and smell the coffee

With all the wisdom around, when do you know it is your time, or the perfect time? Looking at the average things people like in general we are as different as we can from each other so when it is my time, could his time have passed?

Things happen and I am a firm believer that it isn’t always for a reason, karma or any other mystical way. Things can just happen, to me to you or both at the same time.

There was me sitting in my favorite coffee place having a good cup of something hot and sheltering from the rain, that hasn’t stopped all day. The place was almost packed and filled with a happy atmosphere despite the weather. Couples, friends and people of all ages and background.

From time to time it is a great place to sit and just feed on the scene, like this time it’s a great inspirational spot for adding something to my blog.

As I was sitting alone I could focus on the things at hand, as I still needed to get some things from my list, the weekly shopping. While I was checking in on Facebook I noticed a shadow next to me, just thinking someone would like to pass to a table near me, when suddenly this nice voice asked me whether or not the seat next to me was available. Being polite I looked up and answered sure, and found myself looking into the (very) blue eyes of a thirty something, soaked and dripping from the rain, he needed a dry spot and his tea. (Well deserved) he sat down and I went back to my iPhone to check mail and other stuff, while sipping from my coffee.  Like conversations go he started to talk about the weather and I put my phone down, as I am still raised in the correct way. So we had the polite conversation about the weather and I must admit he had a voice that lingers in your ear, manly and in the lower tone range. My coffee almost finished but the rain still not giving way I just made the decision to have my coffee last a little longer, this was no time to go around and carry a couple of bags from the market. Plus I had plenty of time on my day off. When out of the blue my table guest offered me a coffee as according to him; “no one should be around there”. So I gladly took him up on the offer and we started to chat a little more, where I came from as I was for sure not speaking the local dialect and if I had a day off from work. He turned out to be a geography teacher enjoying the little spring break, apart from the weather that is. In the end we spend 3 hours chatting and finished when the rain seem to stop. A handshake and a bye and we parted. Walking towards the market with a smile as I just had a great time with just someone and no strings attached, no expectations none what so ever. We had a nice talk over coffee and tea and about so many daily things. It was nice these few moments with a stranger. So it is still possible to engage in small talk with people just sharing a table.

Lately I have been spending much time out and about alone, and yes sometimes I do miss someone to talk too during my walks but on the other side I have been on my own for so many years while I was stationed abroad. Being with just me has become a way of life, and not a bad one I must admit. Being solo a lot has perhaps changed my ways when I was with someone, being in the relationship ir being at the “other” home, the one I had to share with my significant other. We all have to adapt when we are going into something more serious, but now I have to be honest, I always had my escape place, the one where I lived away from all things “back home”.

Over the years people like this guy have come and gone in my life and I was happy with it, seems I like it that way. My friends are different, I keep nurturing my friendships they are the family I picked the people I want in my life. After my nice coffee chat I realized that the relationships I had were not as strong as my friendships, and I started wondering why, because I do not share a house with my friends? They come and visit, enjoy a dinner and stuff, but partners are there all the day, and they want to know, why and where and what I am doing. Yes love is a great thing, and I do enjoy it when it comes along, miss it when it has been a while. But I had to admit after all these years that I might not always gave them all I was and could be. Whether it was that they never had a change to intervene with my job or the goals I set along my career, I wanted what I wanted when I wanted it. I gave what I wanted to give at maximum when I was in love and together, but I now know I never gave my all. So tomorrow when I look in the mirror I am looking at a different person. It took only a rain shower and coffee with a stranger after all these years to find a little more about myself.

project sunday

Another Sunday and enough time to myself to have a go at a little writing. The days go by fast but still nothing much is happening. All is quiet and I have yet more time to settle in my new way of living, and I must say I imagined it harder as it in the end proved to be.

With not having to work every day to make a living I find myself more thinking of the past and “what’s next”. Without being overly worried I must add.

Arrived at a point where the question of how to spend the coming years, single or not so single is lingering on the never resting mind. I have always considered myself to be a man of feelings and some old fashioned romance, but when arriving at the question time I find myself more looking for what is practical and if the “new” addition to my life would be an obstacle in my life from now onwards. Must I wonder where that came from? I hope not as I try hard to see the logic in it. The last years I have had a string of failed relationships or attends of one. To only find myself wondering now if I would not be hindered by one in the limited freedom I give myself while going through the motion of everyday life.

On one side I have changed and on the other life has changed, with that I mean the things we seem to find important in life, and of course relationships. While doing my research into the gay life and all its colors I am finding more and more that maybe too much has changed. To come to my points regarding young people in search of their place in life in combination with their sexuality I talk to youngsters and I can still be surprised. By far they seem to suffer from wanting a strong relationship with the fear of it becoming old and boring soon. These youngsters are on a path of fast discovering the gay life, scene and all the different ways to have “relations”, losing out on a moment to stand still reflect and realize what they have, or not have. How can I help a 19 year old when he complains there is no true love or romance out there, after he has just been partying and sleeping in many different ways with many different guys as being on a gameshow, where it is all about scoring. So after asking him to define romance he is lost within 2 sentences, storybook examples from movie or if I am lucky a book. Next question to follow is; what is love to you? Again and again I am met with eyes staring at a wall or other furniture in the room accompanied with a long silence and almost the sound of breaking brain matter.

They can in seconds answer questions about sexual positions they like or fetish they might love, like or dislike. Hello internet, yes you are helping us a lot, but in this case with the ready available porn you are killing the youngsters. Continuing with my questions I asked him whether or not he makes sounds or talks while having sex, sure, was the answer otherwise you are not “performing” well. So what? Are you up for an Oscar? After a while he admitted that maybe only 10 percent of the noises made during the act were based on actual arousal, good that must feel great. Having sex because you want to be intimate but having to keep track on how long every action takes and how often we have to moan etc. and yes you guessed correctly most of the action is done and dusted within 30 to 40 minutes, unless there is some group action, because that is never over that fast, well not according to the downloads from the net. Good to know there is a how to ….. for dummies. So yes we can make performance sheets for love, intimacy or basic sex, the internet shows us how and in what sequence we should perform, once we have established our roles, because nowadays you have to be one or the other, just going on your feelings and your mood might confuse the other party, or parties.

When you believe this is only the younger generation, well think again my friend, the elder gay generation is catching up as they are looking for the fountain of youth and on the way to get there adapt to the young gay guide from the internet…. Guys be careful and don’t break something we do not heal as quick as we use too!!!

Time to read some more articles and try make some sense out of it to put it into my scripture for work. 

into the unknown, well a little

“It seems to me that the real clue to your sexual orientation lies in your romantic feelings rather than your sexual feelings. If you are really gay, you are able to fall in love with a man, not just enjoy sex with him.” ~ Christopher Isherwood

Now this is a quote I like..... It sets the mood perfectly, well for another than the everyday hunter. The last couple of weeks I had to adjust to a different kind of life and had not the opportunity or the mindset to write some of my thoughts.

Back into a rhythm now, well some kind off, but good enough to go and start writing again and get back my mental world. So much has happened and so much has changed.

Retired from my old job, and done this in a great way with family and dear, dear friends. Started my new (part time) one and trying to get that sorted so I can plan things ahead. Still like to have an agenda so I can partially see where my year is going. So far it seems to slowly get into place.

While I was closing one book in life last year I also seem to be opening one, involving a man, and as it appears to be a really nice guy. Having a bit of trouble whether to call him man or boy…. He is for sure at an age where man would be appropriate but his behaviors sometimes makes me forget and on the other hand I must not compare him to the age I am in.

A couple of years divide us, but when we are together at home they simply fade away to find other things, where, in this case I have learned that something’s in life are not as important as we deemed them to be. He visited me for 10 days and it was like going back to school. For starters he is from a different culture (yes, again) and with a significant age gap. That’s only to start with, his manors visions and ideas of the world he and I live in are so apart from each other as we are almost from different planets. To only be non-existent when we are at home, in bed and just us. Where we are in some parts of life fade away when it comes to intimacy, how a simple cuddle can bridge a gap. It’s amazing.

Once I saw him leave through airport security it kind of hit me, I was comfortable with him in a great way. Things I normally would see as a turn off we no longer an issue, because on the human level everything was ok, the differences were reduced to just a tilt of my head and the thought; ”who gives a fuck”, I drove home with a big smile on my face, and a happy man.

Now we are a few weeks on from that day but still we are going strong, with whatever we have, we decided not to give it a label yet. We are enjoying our moment on skype in the evening. We talk as if we are together during dinner, going over the things off the day.

So yes my life has changed but I am content with what is happening and my old life is settling partly into the memory part of life. There is still much to do, see and experience….. And as a result perhaps more to write… my brain hasn’t stopped trying to explain the world to me.