Is it right or not ok?

Queens night and day, one rolls into the other. My country is getting ready to party for almost 24 hours. As far as i am concerned i will only put the flag out and show that i am still a good Dutchman. That will be all, no traditional things for me, if and only if the weather will be good I will wash my car and work a little in the garden.

These things need to be done too, and I have a busy week ahead, so plenty to do.

I must admit I haven't done much today as being lazy in front of the TV and nothing else worth mentioning. Yes, it has truly been one of those days, but I have done enough the last week and this coming week will be a busy one too! So its a good thing I took some days off to have some time to myself.

It is well past midnight and the village is at peace, or seems to be as it is silent and dark, in a few minutes I will be heading to bed too and get a good night sleep.

Just wanted to post something as my mind is not completely empty, as I watched an episode of Glee I just noticed how good in most episodes the music choice is and it does make me think.

It's not right, but it's ok; a number originally sung by Whitney Houston, was performed, and this time by a young man, so relating to it became a bit easier. It's not exactly how things were, but it felt like it. I did feel betrayed for I think a lot of the same reasons. After a long time I became to realize that what I see as trouble is someone else nature. Over the years he hasn't changed as I notice, the few times I see him. Does he never get tired from this? When do people stop pretending it's not right, but I make it OK? This thought should not be in my head as it has nothing to do with me anymore, well kinda, in the end I am still married. He with all his sweetness and sweet talk is and will probably remain a mystery to me. But in all is still the person I know when no one is watching. For reasons I myself do not understand I will probably still be there for him long after the divorce. Somethings grow close to your heart, and he is one of those things.

It's strange how you can love the wrong person for all the right reasons, surely it's not right, and it's not OK.

April showers

Every time i think of writing a piece for my blog, it just doesn't happen. I do need to get my head around it.

the last week have been busy with LGBT work and trying to organize some activities with some of the other members of the team. Although they come to parties in great numbers, here where they actually have to do something it is quite a different matter. But if we just get them motivated it should get some attention from the others.

On the private side of things, well still the same old story I fear, it just seem to be a love that I can not get over from and not live with. Waking up at night I still miss the body to take in my arms, where as during the day I do not miss the person to take care of or take into account. The weird balance of love, the part that needs it and the notion of things I can very well do without.

Indeed love is a weird thing, it seems not only god moves in mysterious ways.

As marriages and relationships around me are ending in good and bad ways I wonder; why do I hang on in there? Is there still the hope that all will be OK, someday? Where as a fact I am not getting any younger. Compared to others who are “working”things out, I still feel privileged that we at least didn't had to go through painstakingly walking around each other. So much I can handle and so much I can be without. These are friends and although I feel I should show my support and be there for them I can not do it. The energy they are soaking up and to be careful what to say or to do when a “situation” seems to be developing is killing me. I get so tired just trying to not shout or just smash their heads together. Wake up and smell the coffee, its tea!!!! true they are there to listen to my troubled love life, for what ever is left of it. To me it is simple, I do love my (still) husband more than he will ever know or understand for that matter. No longer do I expect him to wake up from his gay-dream-life hopes and fears. He is to far gone, it became his nature. What ever he provides, or attempts for that matter is a fake believe of what things should be like. The big show is on, just not on cable or on local stations. As I am more involved in the pink things I see more and more around me and I can just wonder where am I? In fact I am just not pink enough, I still need my hetero moments. The whole gayness is a big pill to swallow, no one seems to read the label, and is not aware that it can be addictive and in some cases leads to stupidity and might even result in death.

Some of them consider my life dull and without fun, but I get tired of trying to keep up with all that is hip or to do, showing of and not being able to do, speak or just be who you are on the inside.

While having my coffee and watching the rain from my living room, I am content, still missing my hubby, but content. Somewhere in the near future we will divorce and the legal separation will be done, but I know that he will never leave that place inside me, be it my heart or my head. From time to time I am still sad of this loss, these periods become shorter as life is passing me by, but they still surprise me when they show up. These time I am sad and I let it happen, it belongs to the part of me that is still loving him, for the person he is when he doesn't speak, pretend or tries to be someone he really is not, when he sleeps next to me and has his breakfast and is just in his bathrobe the man I married.

Gone are the days where I wondered if he would think the same, which I have to realize he didn't as his fantasy about so many things became stronger than reality. Still that doesn't stop me loving him. Comparing others to him is something I am not able to do, as he left me with so many things he probably didn't plan or is not even aware of he has. His facade to the world gets bigger and bigger as does his believes in it that it is all true and happening. What life must be in his mind, to me it is all so shallow and fake, that I have a hard time believing him when he talks, as I look in his eyes to see the man I see, and to have a few moments with the one I love, a few seconds where I do not listen to his voices other that just notice the sweetness of it and picture him again close to me as we once had. Than reality kicks in, I leave and take with me my husband as I love and remember. The shell I leave behind, and I know that loving him is easy, living with him not an option, but at least I had a moment with my man. Until the next stolen one!

SOmething somehere

You can not turn back the clock to your happy time, and I found out that walking backwards is also not the way to get thing or moments back into your life.

The night outside is dark and cold and I think it is safe to say that summer is on the way out, not that it actually had happened, or I must have missed it.

It’s either me or the season but the movies on TV seem to become to be more romantic, and hence my mind wonders…. Or it just does, I do not think I need a season or a programme to watch to get in that mood. For that I know myself too well. Let’s just say something is hitting my button at the moment. Too much time on my hands or just having mental peace, something in that direction or a combination of many.

Suddenly I notice friends, family and neighbors around me struggling with their relationships; I assume the season really is changing. The leaves will start to fall by themselves soon, no longer in need of a strong wind to leave the branches.

Nature is taking the next turn, soon we will be looking for family and friends to be closer together and prepare and even celebrate Christmas, the time no one wants to be left alone. Sure I have my friends and family moments and plans, but I am also looking forward to that single day that I will spend alone, having the moment to myself, before I get ready to leave for Spain and prepare to start 2012. At present still weeks, even months away, but it’s coming and I am in my usual planning phase. An other item to add as a reason to be going romantic at the moment. Romance, should that automatically include love? Instinct probably makes it happen, but does it need to be? For me there are people who want to be in a relationship, some who want too and others who no longer want or care for it.

So much is changing but that picture seems to never change, the food for all the poems, songs, plays and god knows what else. By now I think it would be acceptable to have people who have no problem being and even staying single. So why does everybody expect them to end up together? At a certain age we still should have needs or what ever we going to call it, a biological clock seems to be ticking. Even man admits that they have a clock and are talking about wanting kids before they are too old. So liberal we got after decades of having things planned for us by parents and grant-parents, we still seem not having to grasp the “eternal single”. I admit I am one of those thinkers, even wit very close friends being such a single, for me it is not so much of needing to be together but I think that with being in a relationship I am more complete. But do I give the other enough space to complete me? Over the passed years I have been in several once and I like to believe that I have given the other enough space to add to my life, only to realize now that I wanted them to add to my life what I wanted them to add, and guess what? Indeed it didn’t really work, and there were more problems between the two of us, who ever it was I have been with, I tried to much to control what’s in my life or what was going to be added, controlling can sometimes be a little to much too handle even if it turns out to be your own life.

Somewhere down the line you get time to change once the world is turning a little slower and you find time to think. Good thing I can sometimes walk on and not think too much, I had plenty of years to do so. When does life stop to have turning points? At what age are things leveling out? Something’s might never change I am afraid and I think when I get old and wrinkly I might write some wise words about it. (Or not)

Will I have the wise words or solid advice when someone asks me for it, sometimes age is a guarantee for wise words or comments, or just the listening ear? Where I am today should be a point along that line, but more frequently I want to joke about life and the things I am noticing. Sometimes life, the world or other people are more serious or of the beaten track than I would care to handle. But part of growing up is to teach or help others, like the younger ones joining the force, nephews and nieces needing advice the rest can’t give them. The uncle that listens and id just not one of your parents. True, I must admit I’m getting better at it, but when it is about my own life I am the worst one too listen.

As things are settling in and I get the feeling of belonging here and in this place I might find my inner voice and start to listen, or maybe get a clearer picture of what my life should be like. We create our world, and sometimes we let someone in to lend us a hand. But as in reality sometimes that hand goes away and you find your self with a walking stick, to lean on and feel safe. At least it doesn’t expect you to make breakfast in the morning.

a lovely Easter Sunday

Easter Sunday, and the sun just peaked through the clouds, what a difference compared to the one last year, where we were walking in shorts and sitting outside. Sure I can sit outside have my breakfast, but I am afraid that by the time I am back with the coffee from the kitchen my egg is frozen solid.

This spring is a late and might I say a cold one. Behind the glass inside its comfy warm and it makes me feel lazy, that while knowing that there is some work to do. Just that here on the couch I feel like I want a break and do nothing, cuddle with the pillows on the couch, sunshine on my face and just listen to the songs on the radio. Too lazy even to get up and make lunch, why? I have fresh coffee and a bowl of chocolate eggs. Yap, bad for the hips, but so amazing good, for my mood. As days come and go so have the last weeks, since my last post.  Every time I plan on writing something I even downloaded an app, so I can write when I am not at home or in reach of my laptop. But as plans do, they fall apart sometimes, again a sign, I am alive and just like so many more people around me.

While I have to travel to work and home again so many things go through my head, and I can only try to put some of them on paper, and or in a blog. Try as I may, it doesn.t happen as much as I want. Apart from writing about what I see, hear, notice, remember or feel, I am experience a change in a few things. It’s different in a few ways, things I normally would not give a second thought keep lingering on and I noticed, I might even give it a new thought, weigh the options or reconsider.

We are not to always look back, but look into the next day, week, month or as we can name it; future! The more I try to look the more it looks like my agenda, planning ahead. Do I really want to book an appointment for feelings? To me that is a step to far. But it feels like it is the thing to do, I just don’t want too. We work, and relax and in between we try to call it life? What the hell happened here? I lost track of the moment where I just woke up turned around and thought, this is a great day! Kissed my man and got up to make breakfast and just let the day happen. Now it is one appointment after another or things we need to do, just because.

Now I do not miss being a couple, because I can do as I please, and although I have some appointments the time in between them belongs to me, and I do not plan nor have an agenda. I am back to let it happen. Maybe because retirement is just around the corner. Getting use to not having to go to work, to start with. Can I handle this much freedom in the coming years? I know for sure that I won’t miss the early mornings; well that’s what I think for now.

But I have been proving wrong before! So I think best; to just let it all happen and see where things take me when the time comes. Love one other unstable factor, last week I had to find out that I can keep falling in love with the “wrong” guy for all the “good” reasons. A look, a touch, and he is back in my head and heart, I can’t put up mu defenses, trust me I try! He is too important in; let’s say what I call “me”. Whether he knows it or not, I actually don’t care anymore! Too me the energy I get from holding his hands the few moments together; it’s more than enough. All the other things we see as natural included in this kind of happiness, I brush aside as I do get my happiness from him. Seeing him riding a bike, walking over and that one kiss to say hello, it all looks so simple if I would watch from a distance, but what I feel just receiving this kiss; it’s with nothing I can compare. We only spend a few minutes together each time we meet, and yes, I do notice the change in him, the effect of the big city, but when we are together he is still my man, that is how and what I feel. He is a chameleon, and changes his ways more than one, but for me there is only one thing I listen to, the drummer in my chest, and it beats the loudest when he is around.

In the end I might just be found in the box of unanswered love, but for me it is fine now, time to let things be the way they are, when I feel this inside I might just want to cherish it and listen to the music of my heart (poetic freedom!). In all its weirdness it feels ok, and I leave him after a few minutes and I feel peace inside. No longer do I need to sleep with him, or worry where or with whom he is playing another game, as that seems to be his nature and his way. Egoistic I take from it what warms me and makes me feel special. I truly believe I found love, and instead of losing it completely I keep it at a distance where I can sometimes recharge and embrace the moment and the energy. I seem to find harmony in not being together all the time and I no longer feel that falling in love again and again as pain. But I am not going to tell him that.

Some things I keep to myself, like my spare moments to do as I believe is best for me, I have my friends and family, they give support, knowingly and unknowingly. He feeds me with the warmth and energy of the love we once shared, and know can call my own.

Where Easter is about new beginnings and the start of all things new and full of energy, I can join in, as I found the thing that makes me aware of love, and how good it feels, let’s be great full for that, and maybe I can, in the future pass some of my “wisdom” on to the new generations of my family and be a loving uncle.

As long as it will last I will at least be a loving husband even though it is not clear for all parties involved…

Out with others

The grey and cold after a pleasant warm and sunny day out and about. Out to be getting some more impressions and understanding of what other percive of being gay within the armed forces.

After a session to find out what love is we ended to talk about boxes we all think in or are placed in. Listening and sometimes participating or even defending my view i found out that i am a minority within this pink orrientated group.

What is love? I wish i knew, i truly wish i did! I can tell you what it means to me or how i feel when i am enjoying it or loose it. But to put my finger on it? As different as we are from one another so do we understand and feel love. From the young and the old around me in this group i noticed that almost all are living within the area, i most avoid. It seems that i do live my life on a different track. One of the guys today told me that he never spook to a person who was so besides the main stream, but that it made him think and he found respect for my way and the way i live. To me that was something like a compliment and it made me feel good. He might not like it but as a twentysomething year old he tried to understand it. I probably supprised him with not critising him for his fetish and not seeing him as a weirdo. From my point, looking at him i respect him for his views and the way he lives his life.

Being together with this group makes me think about a few things of the past and even a little of the future. Mistakes i have made and some choices, overal i am glad i did, today it feels ok. Why things are the way they are, maybe simply " because". It does however make me look at my husband again only to realize that what i did was the wright thing to do, if i had changed more of my life just to suit him, i, for sure, would have been miserable. The way he lives his life, like some of the people in this group do and defend, it would drive me nuts, like it did in the last 24 hours, i am now on my hetero sexual break from the group. As weird, different or plain normal this bunch of people might be around me here in this lunchroom, i need them to breath. Life can be very colourful but we have to look to notice, why look for the pink element in things when there is a rainbow outthere i do love so much. No, i amfor sure not straight, but i need a big part of it in my life. As i need german and english elements in it and even some arabic ones. My life gets it's flavor from so many people and places in my life and world, but lollypop pink doesn't seem to be part of it.

Not every day i find myself happy and content about how things are in my life, but i live my life. From what i feel today things are fine. There is possibly still a long way to go but i am getting there in my time.

There was a time where i would like to feel the happiness everybody seems to have, a partner maybe even kids, and a few things more. But sitting here alone,having a sneak peek at the rest here, i can not help but smile and know i am ok, i am fine. Far from a completed journey through life, but at least it is my life. For the past 24 hours they have tried to analize sheer hapiness within a person, just to either label him or her or for just some strange reason put it in a box. Let me tell you i am happy in my box being simply happy or even sad at times. But i have a box with windows and when i look outside i can see a wonderfull ever changing world. A world that one sunday morning did not excist because ifound and felt love. I am gratefull to have felt it, if only once maybe, but i still remember every goosebump and it truly felt like the sun was shining at night!

Even falling in love with the wrong guy, or not the best match, it was he, he who did make me feel that way! Often did i ask myself what his feelings were, but how can i? He was asleep when love struck me, and while i put my hand on his chest i felt a heartbeat that made the loudest noise but the best music i ever heared.

The more this becomes a distant memory the more blessed i feel with having had it, as i now mirror my thoughts of love against it and hope i can, one day, explain this to some one and hope he or she will have an oppertunity like that too, for it is a treasure my life feels empty without.

Who knows maybe one day i can talk to my young nephews and nieces about it and give them some advice on the path of life, as love needs to be found, or simply just happen.