in between seasons

The days between winter-grey and spring-green, they have arrived. Over the last week we have seen sunshine and some foggy grey days. Together with the changing in days, temperatures and whether to wear a coat or not so do our emotions.

The feelings of winter, wanting to cuddle in front of a fireplace or going out into nature and let the sun play with your skin. Are we going out or stay in? It seems the season or at least the week of ups and downs. Luckily I was too busy to go with all natures mood swings.  Being ill for 2 weeks there was enough work on my desk to keep me busy all day in the office and travelling to and from work needed getting use to again. Result early nights and not in the mood to do anything in the evening.

Seems that it is about time to get moving and do something, brain and body are in need of attention. Opening the windows in the house makes it possible to get some fresh air into the house, but I need to get going to get some fresh air through my lungs and get my head around moving on, and stop hibernating. Even though I am very comfortable doing it.

As the leaves are appearing on the branches I need to awake something inside me to get spring stating in my step, and in my life. You would think that spring might bring some new things, but it seems I keep mentally busy with the past. Too much as off lately. Could it be that the change in my life as I approach my retirement I am too busy thinking about the facts of life?

I have giving relationship forms a little more thought, and I looked around a bit more than I ever did before, only to realize that it is only good for more questions in my head. Why, how for what reason is people doing the things they do? It even seems that I am having more problems seeing the “gay way” off life.  Where I look, be it on the street or on TV or even a movie, almost nothing seems normal anymore. Have I lost it? The way to be gay? For some reason I hope not, but some things seem to be too much.

My work, career and lifestyle have kept me busy over the years that the result seems to be that I need plenty of time to adapt to “normal” life again. Home every day, a rhythm and the idea never to travel and be somewhere else again it seems not so easy to accept as I hoped for.

Would life have been different had I stayed home more and not wanted to use the world as a playground? Probably, but it does not help to think what if. This thought caught up on me seeing my husband last week. What if? But it doesn’t help because it is too late for what ifs and other scenario’s I or rather we have to focus on the right now. Even when I look into his eyes, it gives me a warm glow, and yes, I do know I still love this guy, I just literary wonder in that second how that can still survive after all that happened. Yes, love hurts, love is a crazy game and it surely messes with your brain and feeling. From all the things I miss, I do miss; waking up next to him, put my arms around him one more time before having to jump out of bed to make breakfast.  That little moment of peace in the world. Sure I notice that being on my own can be a good thing. The fact that my job took me everywhere and I had to do it on my own prepared me for living without someone, and also not having to take into account some one else’s wishes and demands. Now it is my world and my rules. They are for sure not perfect or without flaws but it is mine and I can do as I want or like. But sometimes I notice I want and like to be with him. My brain is telling me that in his life I have nothing we share in friends or life. He made his life and found his friends in places I would not go looking, to live a life I would not want or could deal with. Funny that I had to fall in love, and still am, with someone who blooms in that kind of life.

For now, let’s focus on spring and the first rays of sunshine which are carefully trying to rip the winter clouds apart to give us all some much needed sunshine.

Glad to have seen the one I can still call husband, and in a way still glad I can feel these amazing things for a person, this only makes the season we just finished being the only really cold thing. As soon as the sun is out and I can get some sunshine on my body, swim in open water life will be a lot easier. 

For now, let the sunshine and me doze a little, for it is a Sunday afternoon.

Zapping........ Sunday

Sunday morning and still down with a flu I have nothing better to do than watch some TV and hope that it will get better soon.

It also means zapping from one channel to another hoping that something good will turn up, not that it matters as I can not concentrate long enough to sit trough a movie.

One of the channels I landed on was showing a travel report kind of program, aimed at the gay audience, it did not even take 5 minutes and I was annoyed. Really does the gay community have nothing better to do than show off? The presenter was almost to camp to be believed he can actually walk on a sandy lane without damaging his Prada loafers.

Sure we all are allowed to enjoy the money we make working hard for it, and I hope we all do, especially in these times.

On the other side I am not the average one, and maybe even too judgmental but sometime I am just thinking: why, why do they have to “over-do”, almost everything. Yes, we do make up as a group for being creative, inventive and we have some power people among us. Like every one we all look for places we feel comfortable and at ease with each other. But lately it seems that if you gay up, you can raise the prices too. We advertise gay travel, cruises, holidays and so much more, but compared with the nice hotel just around the corner, the prices are sky high. Is it truly so much better? Many paces are gay-friendly and still charge not over the top.

Lately a gay cruise was in the news because someone got killed, whether falling overboard or jumping him self, they used the word hedonism in the article. Many reactions were based on the picture where many topless men were shown they could not believe so many people would be on a cruise liner. In my mind it is a floating orgy. One company makes a ton of money and the guest seldom end up with the person they share the cabin with.

Not al gay man or woman are the same, but look on the internet, read the novels or simply look around, it looks like it is all about scoring, hunting and only hookup with as much as possible. To me it became shallower over the years and I began to hate it even more. Little has remained in the open of the guys and girls who are not part of this, and I feel like I am a world away from the group I belong too. It even cost me my relationship and my marriage because I do not want to give in to a group that’s surrounds itself with only likewise and in some cities even get a building or a neighborhood so they feel more protected. So we are part of society? We really fit in? It took years for the people that came before us to get us in to this society as being a normal part of it, to only find ourselves taking separated holidays, our own hotels, a whole money making, or should I say grabbing industry. Clearly I am not the only one noticing this, but is living in a gay world worth the extra dime for the bigger part of our community? It seems it is.

Weird that a few minutes on TV can make me feel like this, but perhaps I am on that side of the river where looking at “Gay-Country”, doesn’t look al that greener or peachy. I do like color in my life, but in this case I prefer to stay the grey mouse, and try to find happiness in a less colorful but maybe cheaper and realistic way.

Maybe I am just not gay enough……. Oooohhhh well lets not complain and just go on with life.

love a never ending circle

A foggy night outside and it looks like something out of a Dickens story when I look down the street, where somewhere in the grey wet soup, a street lamp is spreading its weak light.

Cold and wet is all I can feel, walking the street up to my front door, how miserable the world can be……. Or maybe just the weather. I think a lot of that feeling depends on what we want to do with it. In the end it is only fog, nothing more, nothing less. But god what we can do with it when we feel that nothing turns out to be ok in our lives.

No fear, I just felt cold and wet and that in combination with the flu I am fighting, not really a very nice walk.

Just had a talk, or what ever we call it when we use Skype, but anyway, he had positive news today and it only took a second to think about the person he loves and realizing they had no future to bring him down to major misery. Love, a simple four letter word, but powerful in al its meaning. Seeing him online and listening to him I couldn’t wonder if I sound the same, at my age. Haven’t I learned anything in the end? Not only is love being talked about in a positive or negative way, but it seems to never end. So how come these self-help guru’s make tons of money from it?

Listening to him, passing my advice, offering my help, I just repeated what my friends told me, or better yet, still tell me. In the time we had record players we could at least blame the needle for being stuck somewhere and repeating the same part of the song again and again. Now, now we can only blame ourselves. But is there anything like good advice when it comes to love? We all love in different ways for our different reasons, I now find myself trying to explain to this youngster that at 23 he loves in a different way and he can not expect the other to love him in the same way for the same reasons. It seems to be a hard thing to understand. While at the same time wondering; did I myself have that? Shamefully the answer is no, and I only found that out just now. About time I hear someone think. Sure I know there is something to blame for things not working out. But do we have to blame the person for having another perception of what love means to him or her? I don’t think that would be fair. Working on a relationship, does that mean we only want to change the others way of thinking about love to more match our own ideas?

Love a cruel thing, to happen to anyone. But to quote someone; even if it last 2 seconds, the feeling is fucking amazing. Another truth! So we do it al for goose bums, an upset stomach and sleepless nights. What a weird species we are. And we have t nerve to call it civilization? We must be joking.

What ever I might think of it now, I also feel the pain and the happiness and even though I could do without the pain, it is part of the big game. Now however it is about keeping this young man on the path to a better future, not having this pain destroying his job, his turn to become someone better. To get away from the past and start a life, where, and I can only hope, he will get the chance to make something out of the things handed to him.

From where I am in life I can watch and be there for him in case he needs to talk, I don’t know if he listens to a word I say as he is young and from a totally different background, but for what it is worth there is someone out there he can reach. With my track record not the best advice, but who knows maybe he pick up on something where I didn’t or not wanted.

For as it stands there is not an app for it at the moment……