insomnia, something to get sleepless nights over

Insomnia what an enemy that can be! I have had a bad trail of sleepless nights over the years but this one is a real devil! Since Friday I have been able to get as much as 8 hours of sleep….. Not as much as had hoped for, to be honest. Taking part of the afternoon of and hoping that I can get some rest on the couch or get to bed early. Also took Thursday off and simply hoping that sleep will catch up with me somewhere. At the moment to drive safely and be awake at my desk I am taking energy pills, I can only hope they are not the strong reason I still can not get a normal nights sleep.

No I am not tossing and turning over life, love or other mysteries just can’t get my head to fall asleep. Worst thing is I start hating myself for not being able to sleep, and I get upset with myself and than sleep is surely not happening. I have never been a good sleeper, always need more than 20 minutes to settle in my bed, but off late it has become even more difficult to close my eyes and say goodbye to the world for a few hours. I am aware that how older we get the less sleep we need, but someone for got to tell my body that!! It feels like I am running short on something. How funny life can be, as a kid I slept like any other one (well I think I did) and the first few years in the navy too, never a problem with hitting the sack, but the last few years it has become more and more a drama. I accepted that a few nights a months I had problems sleeping when it was only the odd one out, but that seem to have slowly grown into a bigger issue. My ex always noticed the few moments it occurred, he came downstairs and asked me to return to bed as when I was home and not in bed he could not sleep. He needed me next to him, funny how this never was the case on Sunday mornings when someone had to make breakfast…. Anyhow I had the odd one as I mentioned, but off late it really has turned into a nightmare, I tried sleeping aids, but some of them taste funny and maybe I am to strong minded to still want to test their ultimate strength. So I stayed awake an extra night just to prove that these natural drops, powders and pills weren’t worth the amount of money spend. What did help for a while were the chemical produced and doctor prescribed ones! Hell yeah!!!! I could sleep for hours on end, but you can get addicted to them, adding just another problem to the case, also not needed. So now back to short nights sleeping.

The sun has disappeared, and the first grey and dark clouds are glooming at the horizon, another wet period is approaching, how ever it seems to be getting sunnier over the weekend for a few days, good that I have a long weekend planned. On the other hand the weather forecast tells me, or us, that snow might be heading our way much earlier than we expect, we could be sliding over the boardwalk as early as mid November…. So better call the shop and have my winter tires ready!

A year is coming to an end, planning as I do my Christmas and new year period. Well not so much planning anymore as I already booked my ticket to Spain to see the new year arrive there.

But for now, checking where my umbrella is and what to have for lunch as it is almost to to head out.

Back to......... where did i start this morning??????

Back to work, I think we deserve a banner and add too like the one; back to school. It must be the early mornings and the drive to work that gets me in this mood. Yes, I know many people have to get up early and get to work and even drive longer than I do, as I see a lot of them on my way to work. Just need to give myself some moments to feel sorry for myself. Summer seems to be a thing of the past and I still feel I am in need for a holiday and several hours more of sleep.

Insomnia, not my best friend, and at the moment I am having a bad period, not more than 3 hours max of sleep at night. If and when this goes on this week I know that I will spend my weekend sleeping. My body is getting older and changing that I have accepted, but hey that doesn’t mean I do not need to, or in this case want to sleep.

Just having a bad habit of making things worse when there is another sleepless night, somehow my body is protesting in a different fashion as my brain is. In the end they seem to work together to keep me awake. And before you ask I am not thinking of world changing plans, passed and gone lovers or house make-over, maybe I try to hard blanking my mind!

However and whatever I just fail to fall asleep, and that mildly said is very annoying!

Now I am here in what is temporarily my office, an empty classroom as in my office there are not enough PC’s to host all the people in there and I can sit in the corner holding a book for hours and look busy, but that doesn’t get me very far, does it?

So back here where at least the blinds are open so that the little sunshine we have between showers can but some warmth and light into my office day.

Today is a good example of a Monday, started with rain, not enough rest and the feeling that somehow the weekend went by unnoticed. So now I am counting the hours till lunch, the highlight of my day, next to the moment I am climbing back into bed.

One good thing, I can write my blog in the moments between coffee and opening another folder to read even more boring reports. For the moment I am not having 5 day working weeks and I plan to keep that going for a while, I need to settle in here one step at the time. No running into things here.

Yesterday while I took my neighbor to the airport we had another talk about relationships, mine for that matter. Where am I or where am I going with mine? So first explained that there is none, just the ending of one, no new one on the horizon. As I am settling in at home I begin to have a different feeling, I like being on my own there, where I once had the feeling my still husband needed to be. This is no longer the case, I feel good alone, yes I do miss someone to hold in the evening or to cuddle with on a Sunday morning, but knowing what my soon to be ex is adding to that, it doesn’t make me long for it that much.

There is an app for everything, and we have long talks about nation’s futures, our car has an annual inspection certificate, so why is there no system that checks the BF? To make sure that when he says “I do”, we get what we ordered. If only things could be that easy, sure I want the dating process but not the after second phase handling. Once committed it should be only improving the model, make it more agreeable? What’s wrong with wanting that?

Somewhere I can here the answers just bouncing in here, and yes, I am sure you are all fine with the explanations, but still. All these dating sites, app’s and program’s we are able to list what we want, how old, tall, wide and heavy or light, so why not a certificate of matching to some longer term commitment?

We check our next one, or they one for that matter almost for everything but we remain “hopeful”, regarding the future. The mental checklist, we each have our own and we stick to it, for the most part, as the visual effect sometimes just blinds us. No I don’t consider it important whether he has killer-abs, he should have divine manners and seductive powers (to start with) but if I have to be practical he needs to be complimenting whoever I am, or want to be with him. I just want to be mentally fine and healthy together, we both have bodies that grow older everyday, but in spirit I want to reach a common ground where I want to stay for a long, very long time. Through in some other things like race, age, build, nationality and the cocktail for disaster only gets more explosive. Sure we want things in life to have flavor, but I just don’t think I should end up somewhere with a bitter taste.

Chocolates from the local bakery are taking care of my taste-buds just fine lately, but I have to manage that too otherwise the waist factor is adjusted to the wrong side of the spectrum. For now however this is doing me good, got some more time to think about what I want, or would like, and that all with a good taste of handmade chocolate truffles. (So good and comforting)

Never new that chocolate was also a good weather report tool, it helps me to forget that outside it is cold and rainy, even more that the last week. Inside the house and me it is warm and comfy, cuddled up on the couch the (seemingly) endless list of movies is making it even more bearable to stay inside and just think of nothing, not even the sound of buckets of water thrown by Mother Nature against my living room windows.

Time to go back to what I’m actually paid for, a thing called work…….. let’s focus on that, mainly because I ran out of truffles…….

in autumn a leave seldom falls alone

You can not turn back the clock to your happy time, and I found out that walking backwards is also not the way to get thing or moments back into your life.

The night outside is dark and cold and I think it is safe to say that summer is on the way out, not that it actually had happened, or I must have missed it.

It’s either me or the season but the movies on TV seem to become to be more romantic, and hence my mind wonders…. Or it just does, I do not think I need a season or a programme to watch to get in that mood. For that I know myself too well. Let’s just say something is hitting my button at the moment. Too much time on my hands or just having mental peace, something in that direction or a combination of many.

Suddenly I notice friends, family and neighbors around me struggling with their relationships; I assume the season really is changing. The leaves will start to fall by themselves soon, no longer in need of a strong wind to leave the branches.

Nature is taking the next turn, soon we will be looking for family and friends to be closer together and prepare and even celebrate Christmas, the time no one wants to be left alone. Sure I have my friends and family moments and plans, but I am also looking forward to that single day that I will spend alone, having the moment to myself, before I get ready to leave for Spain and prepare to start 2012. At present still weeks, even months away, but it’s coming and I am in my usual planning phase. An other item to add as a reason to be going romantic at the moment. Romance, should that automatically include love? Instinct probably makes it happen, but does it need to be? For me there are people who want to be in a relationship, some who want too and others who no longer want or care for it.

So much is changing but that picture seems to never change, the food for all the poems, songs, plays and god knows what else. By now I think it would be acceptable to have people who have no problem being and even staying single. So why does everybody expect them to end up together? At a certain age we still should have needs or what ever we going to call it, a biological clock seems to be ticking. Even man admits that they have a clock and are talking about wanting kids before they are too old. So liberal we got after decades of having things planned for us by parents and grant-parents, we still seem not having to grasp the “eternal single”. I admit I am one of those thinkers, even wit very close friends being such a single, for me it is not so much of needing to be together but I think that with being in a relationship I am more complete. But do I give the other enough space to complete me? Over the passed years I have been in several once and I like to believe that I have given the other enough space to add to my life, only to realize now that I wanted them to add to my life what I wanted them to add, and guess what? Indeed it didn’t really work, and there were more problems between the two of us, who ever it was I have been with, I tried to much to control what’s in my life or what was going to be added, controlling can sometimes be a little to much too handle even if it turns out to be your own life.

Somewhere down the line you get time to change once the world is turning a little slower and you find time to think. Good thing I can sometimes walk on and not think too much, I had plenty of years to do so. When does life stop to have turning points? At what age are things leveling out? Something’s might never change I am afraid and I think when I get old and wrinkly I might write some wise words about it. (Or not)

Will I have the wise words or solid advice when someone asks me for it, sometimes age is a guarantee for wise words or comments, or just the listening ear? Where I am today should be a point along that line, but more frequently I want to joke about life and the things I am noticing. Sometimes life, the world or other people are more serious or of the beaten track than I would care to handle. But part of growing up is to teach or help others, like the younger ones joining the force, nephews and nieces needing advice the rest can’t give them. The uncle that listens and id just not one of your parents. True, I must admit I’m getting better at it, but when it is about my own life I am the worst one too listen.

As things are settling in and I get the feeling of belonging here and in this place I might find my inner voice and start to listen, or maybe get a clearer picture of what my life should be like. We create our world, and sometimes we let someone in to lend us a hand. But as in reality sometimes that hand goes away and you find your self with a walking stick, to lean on and feel safe. At least it doesn’t expect you to make breakfast in the morning.

Ever after ......... is when?

Let me riddle you a ditty, it’s just an itty bitty, little thing on my mind.
About a boy and a girl, trying to take on the world one kiss at a time.
Now the funny thing about, ain’t a story without it, but the story is mine.
And I wish you could say, that it ended just fine.
We all want to know, how it ends.
Oh, happily ever after, wouldn’t you know, wouldn’t you know.
Oh, skip to the ending, would like to know, I’d like to know.
Author of the moment, can you tell me, do I end up, do I end up happy?
Inhale, breathe steady, exhale, like you’re ready, if you’re ready or not.
Just a boy and a girl trying to take on the world, and we want to get caught.
In the middle of a very happy ending, let’s see what we’ve got, let’s give it a shot.
Let’s give it a shot.
We all want to know, how it ends.
Oh, happily ever after, wouldn’t you know, wouldn’t you know.
Oh, skip to the ending, who would like to know, I’d like to know.
Author of the moment, can you tell me, do I end up, do I end up happy?
We all have a story to tell.
Whether we whisper or yell.
We all have a story, of adolescence and all its glory.
We all have a story to tell.
Oh, happily ever after, wouldn’t you know, wouldn’t you know.
Oh, skip to the ending, would like to know, I’d like to know.
Author of the moment, can you tell me, do I end up, do I end up happy?

It is funny how we watch something on TV and suddenly there is that song that just pops out above all other tunes you have been listening too, without paying attention as the episode had you more watching and listening to the dialogue. Somewhere in the story line this song has to take part of what is happening and it does, if only for that few seconds, but it’s there and in this case it grabbed my attention.
So what to do as to google it and find out more about it, modern times are not that bad when it comes to these things. Watching the world around me even in a little village time seems to be out of balance with the things we need or want to do. Sure change is good but sometimes I feel like I do not have the time to change before the next one is hitting me.
Yes we do get older and the world doesn’t take a break from spinning, although sometimes I wished it would. Last weekend at home I noticed how I am addicted to my mobile electronics, I use to be able to switch off my cell and simply enjoy the peacefulness my village has to offer. With me others have changed and with the availability off more apps we communicate through several media and it’s getting to a point where I do not know who contacts me where, hence my mobile world remains switched on.
Last week was a busy one and I had to get use to driving more than 5 minutes every morning, the new job and being on a course, so my MSN-messenger was off for a whole week, didn’t even think of it. Resulted in emails with the question if something was wrong or even worse. No I just did not go online as I was happy to just relax on the couch and watch some TV, I still have my phone and my cell, so if you need me, there is the solution.
Social Media, we can’t run from it anymore, sure we use it to talk with family and friends and so many others.
Shame I can’t shake my cell to get an answer to the question of life, love, money or family matters. No I haven’t found an app yet. Good that I found an app to recognize the tunes on tv….. that made my life so much easier.
For life itself I think I am my best app, not foolproof yet but I am working on it. Even windows needs a regular update, so why shouldn’t I? Still adapting to what life has to offer or throws at my feet. Sometimes I jump and many times I stop and wonder. Not every step I learn, or adapt but I do seem to notice the change around me, even more recently it feels like I am adjusting the course I am on. The same ending at the end of the road but the scenery seems to be a changing thing.
Leaving London was a thing that had to happen and I had to move on and into this life of working back in the “old place”, but more happened. Suddenly I find myself having a different look at things and people. Is this a wake-up call? I have no idea, maybe in the future that I can look back and write something good about all this, for now it feels different but not in a bad way. Somewhere, somehow it feels like more peace inside my head.
Being home every evening is even agreeing with me and I must admit; I love being home every night. The urge to travel and be somewhere else will roar it’s head again, off that I am sure but not in a way it has been alive over the past years. Time to settle and build the nest, maybe a big nest for one bird, but with enough room anyway.

Thinking about a happily ever after that can still happen.