Pretend or Change

Take cover
Signs don't show
You drove me off the road

But you let go
Because your hope is gone
And every question fades away

It's a shame you don't know what you're running from
Would your bones have to break and your lights turn off
Would it take the end of time to hear you heart's false start?

You know this is your biggest mistake
What a waste
And of all the things you never explained
You know this is your biggest mistake

You tread water
Fighting for the air in your lungs
Move closer
Maybe you can right all your wrongs

But you let go
Because your hope is gone
And every answer fades away

 Wipe the mud stains from the face stop the engine
Stop pretending
Wipe the mud spray from your face stop the engine,
Stop pretending, that you're still breathing

How many people do we have to tell they can stop pretending? Lately I was woken up from my dream that all would be well and I would be more than just fine. (Without the need to win the lottery)

Turns out I can only daydream so much, after that it is waking up to reality and adjust what lies ahead.

The past days the weather was fine and we had lunch outdoors but when I looked around I noticed more people just closing their eyes en enjoying the sunshine and the slightly warm breeze, for me in general that’s the point where I for a moment just think about nice things ahead. And yes there it was that little smile; I wasn’t the only one with happy thoughts. No idea of theirs was even remotely like mine, but good enough to change the expression on their faces.

Within a couple of days everything changed, from work to the days I will go on holiday, and I adapt, as fast almost as plans change. Where I used to become all negative and not see the positive side of things I now know if I see things from a more uphill point the climb isn’t that steep!  There is a light at the end of the tunnel!!

Within a couple of years everything will be different and I am at the point to call my life as I now know it over, I will leave my work of 34 years to start a new phase in my life.

No idea where I will find the strength to shut the door behind me when I get there. A time where I can look back and reflect and probably sit down and give it a good sigh, after which I have a coffee and plan the next day.  No longer afraid of that day approaching, but more looking ahead what I can do to make my life nicer once I leave my uniform in the closet, or probably in an old suitcase in the attic. The time to start stories with “when I”, and think about good times.

Good times are ahead, but with friends and new things on the calendar. Sure got just a few years left but thinking about what is next is slowly getting a bigger part of life. Need to finish a couple of things so that later can only become easier.

So far I can look back on a career where most of the times o got what I wanted and had a good time en fully enjoyed my work, not a bad thing to say I think!

Over the years friends have come and gone and some got closer, and I am happy they did. Even though some of them are miles away we are all part of each others life, and yes we come together when bad or sad things happen, but in the end we do. Others are still in the process to get closer, part of the changes in life. One lesson I learned over the last couple of years is not to limit myself in getting to know people. Sure we all have a line we will not cross to as where we think people have to be to become friends or are allowed into your inner circle. In the end even the ones that move away have thought us something or added to our vision.

The world has changed a lot in the years I worked and grew to the man I am today. A husband to one, a brother to others to one a son and to a few a good friends. The sum of the past years. No I do not count what is in the bank or the cars I had, my life should be measured how I am to others and by what others mean to me. Like so many other things in life this is a two way street and in my marriage I have noticed the most what it means when both travel in the same direction but on different roads, one will take the exit before you know.

My defences are no longer up like once the Berlin Wall, as I have noticed that when needed you can talk to people and let them know why things might not be working. To pull down this wall I had to learn to listen, and now I can, still could use some improvement but I am getting there I think. Not that I feel I lost much over the past, the time of change has come, at its own pace in its own time. Seems I am growing up! The time has gone to let go of the child and become the man. With these changes I noticed that more peace and rest entered my life, I am more patient with people and no longer get agitated after just a few words.

My private life will always be protected as it is at the moment, which I think will never change. I never pretended to be anything other than a very private person when demanded. Like I mentioned before in this world I need my safe haven, where I can anchor and wait till the storm has passed.

Adapt slightly to the rhythm of the world…….