London is calling

Bank holiday weekend and the end of my tour here draw even closer. The days are ticking away but I am enjoying them rather than feel sad it soon will be over

We started with helping a colleague unpack as she was not capable to do it herself; she has been living for weeks between the boxes that are her life.

Not like us, who get a furbished apartment and just move into our new “home”, for the period of our stay.

The guys started to organize boxes and storage whiles the two girl’s unpacked clothing and shoes, as they do…… Not typecasting there. There was a lot to be done and we made a good start, in just a few minutes we had some space cleared and started to unpack several boxes and pieces of luggage into the wardrobes in each bedroom. Unpacking a person’s life while listening to soul coming from the stereo downstairs.

After a while the ladies went to go and get something to drink as the only option in the house was water. Although just around the corner it took them close to two hours to return. But we had coke and juices upon return. Our host was happy to see that we made her house more like a home, and while finishing the last couple of things the cooking began downstairs. 2 Guys, 2 girls and some food to be prepared. Somehow during the process we all started to help with the cooking and although there were only four of us there was enough to feed a family. But like me our host can not cook small portions and being an American everything seems to arrive in bulk anyway. The kitchen was filling up with the smell of the good stuff and as different as we are from each other we work well in a team. We almost felt like a family, as we are not only different but also different ages.  After turning the house from storage into a home we nestled in the kitchen and snacked on some finger-food. Talking about our lives and loves, as 4 bachelors, well 3 and one to be, to be honest, but nevertheless talking about lost loves, broken relationships, failed marriages and family. Sitting around the kitchen table when not cutting vegetables or frying meat, we told bits and pieces of our life’s, some understood some not.

Cooking and chatting the things I love the most as things that go well together. My mood was great and we had some laughs, and I felt great. Sharing my thoughts and part of my life with them, suddenly I felt that I no longer needed to protect who I am in private but could talk about things that are normally shielded by my wall of privacy. We all shared some of our lives to get to know each other a little better and to share some things in life. Letting go off some stuff felt like a relieve and once it was out there it did no longer feel weird or out of place nor did I feel vulnerable. Sure there are still things that I keep secret as they not add to this feeling or the need for trust. For whatever was shared with the group was a piece of each one of us and in private with each other some more was passed. Few people know so much about me and now 3 more are added with a bit more information about who I am when not at work but who I am private. Being silent and private most of my life is something I choose and it is somewhat of a relief to open up finally.

My blog is now what was my diary once my trusted companion and not many people know me and my blog at the same time, the ones who do might get a better picture of me, still there are things I think off and write down others are memories and moments of my life. As do I so will they have to filter and come to a conclusion of who I am without my walls up. Every person will read this with their own eyes and so have an own impression or idea of who I am. Even I read sometimes the old stories that were posted somewhere else but here and smile or think back to the moment I posted that blog. Unfortunately my old diaries are gone, they disappeared in a shredder once I moved in with a new guy in my life as they retained thoughts and ideas of a time I was a different man I didn’t want the new guy to find out who I was or who I became because of things in my past. Today I am a different man too but for me it is easier to hide these thoughts and still be able to put my thoughts and feelings into words. Sometimes they are about feelings in general the other day might be my grocery shopping list explained, but in the end it will all be me. Today there is not much to tell about but I made sure that I will be able to keep on writing when going on holiday as I got myself a mini-laptop, easier to take and handle. So if all goes well the coming holiday in Spain I do not need my I-phone to be my trusted friend to post articles on the blog-spot.

Tomorrow back to work and back to the gym, yet another attempt to look a little better in my uniform and my swimsuit as being a little healthier.

Small world, big world, small world.

We are so busy wondering what our lives will bring in the end and how to deal with the all day stuff that we sometimes forget to look around us and notice other.

A couple of days ago I found myself in just such a situation, as a child, a son I had to look at my mother and noticed that she is fading away from this world.

Dementia has slowly slipped in over the last years; none of us really knows when it started and with most of the elderly people we just call it;”getting old”. When we realized that it was more than just aging we came to terms with it and it was just added to the already existing care we were having for her. The moment arrived that we had to take over the shopping of groceries, paying of the bills etc. Last weekend I planted some flowers in the baskets on her balcony and noticed her smiling as color came back into her life, no longer was it al just grey. The sun was out it was a nice day, and now summer had arrived on her balcony. This little old woman enjoyed looking at all the colors of the rainbow, just within arms reach. My mother never short of words or even complains about too many things was quiet and just smiled. A few minutes later I took her in my car to my brother’s birthday and to show her his new house. On the way over I already answered the same question more than 4 times I believe. By now I am so used to repeat myself that I stopped counting. We arrived and she took her seat on the couch, she is too frail to walk the stairs and see every room in the house, so we settled with the kitchen and the living room. Just a few people were present and she sat down next to 2 of her grandchildren. She looked small and grey, a person without color, almost with out any expression.

Attempts, few, but they tried to engage her in a conversation, it failed, no more than answering a question about coffee and cake, that was it. After a few minutes I sat down next to her and just started to talk about non important things just to get her talking and feel part of it all only to realize soon that almost nothing was answered with a long reaction. Instead of answering she focused on the snacks and her glass of wine, and went silent.

When we left I expected to stay a couple of hours but after 1 ½ I had enough, enough of seeing my mother being lonely in a crowd. Parked the car in front of the house, helped her into her coat and drove her home. She didn’t say a word on the way home just looked into the distance. This silence was awful, not something I am used too. When we arrived back in her apartment she took her shoes of and moved slowly towards her couch, and she smiled again and was very happy get back into her slipper.

Again I was looking at her smiling, being silent, looking into the distance and a few seconds later at the flowers on the balcony, with an even bigger smile and a sigh she made her self comfortable on the couch to watch one of her shows on tv.

It took a few moment and she started talking about the visit, and she already forgot that she had been sitting next to her grandchildren. Air, I needed air, so with an excuse to look after the flowers I went onto the balcony and took my moment. When it all started I told my siblings to no longer see mum as our mother with all her capabilities but to look at an illness when she had bad moments. Now the bad moments are slowly happening more often.

Her world is getting smaller, so much smaller, she came into this world like we all did and grew and discovered the bigger world around her, only to have a smaller one again. There are moment when she is sad and realize the thing that is happening and she talks about it, only to forget it a few hours later, but I don’t.  As the eldest I have to be brave and show my brothers and sisters the other side. We all see it in a different light, but I see the light fading in my mothers sky-blue eyes. The comes the moment we have to say goodbye, as we did with our father a few years ago, but I had hoped life would be kinder, she doesn’t notice but I do.

This afternoon was so different and it made me look at my own life, so much is happening around me, and I am getting to a point where I am close to retirement and start the last period of my life, however long that might be. Only thing I wanted was to be that kid again, being told by his parents to go to bed because tomorrow is another school-day, not be the guy with a failed marriage and relationships and problems that seem to be nothing compared with what my parent is going through.

The plans we, I had for my future, forever really fooled me, I thought I had plenty of time to see and have it all. This last day made me realize that forever has me fooled and has a poor sense of time. Time never stands still and we can not turn back the clock.

A little piece of mine is sitting on the couch and as I look over, she smiles at me, and enjoys the moment that her son is with her, not knowing how sad I am on the inside. So I smile back and pretend summer will last forever and the flowers on the balcony are timeless.

She does not need to worry about tomorrow as she will forget most of today soon, too soon.

In a few moments I will pack my stuff and leave her in her own little world of 4 walls but with a colorful balcony of flowers, they at least should help her to remember that summer is here and make her smile a little every day.

This little world…..

A semi-sunny Sunday morning

Sunday afternoon, got about an hour before I am meeting some friends for the almost traditional Sunday afternoon coffee.

The day started out sunny but is now a mixture of sun and clouds, but I am still going to wear my shorts. Summer is almost official here and I want to just have the feeling that it is!

Got an email this morning that my Spanish family is ready for me to visit them, so in 6 weeks I will be back on that little beach to get some sun and rest in the midst of my dearest friends. Never thought I would spend so much time in the North of Spain when I can, but why not? I feel great there and can be with them and just be me, without the obligations of work and family at home. Put the mobile phone in a bag and just check in the evening if there is something important, otherwise leave it where it is.

It is only going to be 2 weeks but I am going to make it last, knowing that in 3 years when I leave my job I can just go and stay…….. If I want all summer….. The thought of being there for a while just makes me smile and get this warm feeling inside. But let’s not go too far in the future, found out that that could be a little bit misleading. So for now happy to know I am going and that the trip is paid for.

You think I can manage to just pack what I really, really need? Shorts and t-shirts 1 pair of jeans and I think some clean underwear….. That should get me there.

This is truly a Sunday; got out of bed late, nice easy breakfast and after coffee no idea what will happen the rest of the day. It’s a shame that this little group where I feel great just recently came to life, but in the end I am happy I had this great time. Sure I had some good times here, but mainly at work, my spare time I stayed alone at home or walking the streets of London. Still keep my privacy but at least some moments are shared.

Trying to get my head around that I will be leaving London in a little over 2 months. It will close my period of leaving abroad and the last post back at home. It has been a long time since I could go home every night after work. It will be the first time that I will go home to my house after work. Ever since I bought it I was always away and my neighbors were the ones taking care of it. So my plants would still be alive upon my return. Not every plant made it though. But I am great full for all they did over the years. Somewhere it must be nice for them to know that they only have to do it now when I am on holiday, only twice a year…

Coming home at the end of the day, now that is a change, well I kind off came home here in London but not my real home. A new way of life, my safe surroundings will be there for me everyday. The opportunity to sit in my garden after work and relax knowing I am home, and the thought that I can get use to it as the end of a working career, at least in this job, is near. Adjusting to yet another state of mind and feeling. A few years ago I said goodbye to sailing as I left my last foreign port in Norway, now I am going to say goodbye to my last period living in a different country, and saying Hello to a job at home in the place I once started my Navy life. It all went to fast!!!

But I will leave with a bag of memories and some amazing friends, and can always say my life was never boring.

For now, it is time to shower as coffee and friends wait……

Pretend or Change

Take cover
Signs don't show
You drove me off the road

But you let go
Because your hope is gone
And every question fades away

It's a shame you don't know what you're running from
Would your bones have to break and your lights turn off
Would it take the end of time to hear you heart's false start?

You know this is your biggest mistake
What a waste
And of all the things you never explained
You know this is your biggest mistake

You tread water
Fighting for the air in your lungs
Move closer
Maybe you can right all your wrongs

But you let go
Because your hope is gone
And every answer fades away

 Wipe the mud stains from the face stop the engine
Stop pretending
Wipe the mud spray from your face stop the engine,
Stop pretending, that you're still breathing

How many people do we have to tell they can stop pretending? Lately I was woken up from my dream that all would be well and I would be more than just fine. (Without the need to win the lottery)

Turns out I can only daydream so much, after that it is waking up to reality and adjust what lies ahead.

The past days the weather was fine and we had lunch outdoors but when I looked around I noticed more people just closing their eyes en enjoying the sunshine and the slightly warm breeze, for me in general that’s the point where I for a moment just think about nice things ahead. And yes there it was that little smile; I wasn’t the only one with happy thoughts. No idea of theirs was even remotely like mine, but good enough to change the expression on their faces.

Within a couple of days everything changed, from work to the days I will go on holiday, and I adapt, as fast almost as plans change. Where I used to become all negative and not see the positive side of things I now know if I see things from a more uphill point the climb isn’t that steep!  There is a light at the end of the tunnel!!

Within a couple of years everything will be different and I am at the point to call my life as I now know it over, I will leave my work of 34 years to start a new phase in my life.

No idea where I will find the strength to shut the door behind me when I get there. A time where I can look back and reflect and probably sit down and give it a good sigh, after which I have a coffee and plan the next day.  No longer afraid of that day approaching, but more looking ahead what I can do to make my life nicer once I leave my uniform in the closet, or probably in an old suitcase in the attic. The time to start stories with “when I”, and think about good times.

Good times are ahead, but with friends and new things on the calendar. Sure got just a few years left but thinking about what is next is slowly getting a bigger part of life. Need to finish a couple of things so that later can only become easier.

So far I can look back on a career where most of the times o got what I wanted and had a good time en fully enjoyed my work, not a bad thing to say I think!

Over the years friends have come and gone and some got closer, and I am happy they did. Even though some of them are miles away we are all part of each others life, and yes we come together when bad or sad things happen, but in the end we do. Others are still in the process to get closer, part of the changes in life. One lesson I learned over the last couple of years is not to limit myself in getting to know people. Sure we all have a line we will not cross to as where we think people have to be to become friends or are allowed into your inner circle. In the end even the ones that move away have thought us something or added to our vision.

The world has changed a lot in the years I worked and grew to the man I am today. A husband to one, a brother to others to one a son and to a few a good friends. The sum of the past years. No I do not count what is in the bank or the cars I had, my life should be measured how I am to others and by what others mean to me. Like so many other things in life this is a two way street and in my marriage I have noticed the most what it means when both travel in the same direction but on different roads, one will take the exit before you know.

My defences are no longer up like once the Berlin Wall, as I have noticed that when needed you can talk to people and let them know why things might not be working. To pull down this wall I had to learn to listen, and now I can, still could use some improvement but I am getting there I think. Not that I feel I lost much over the past, the time of change has come, at its own pace in its own time. Seems I am growing up! The time has gone to let go of the child and become the man. With these changes I noticed that more peace and rest entered my life, I am more patient with people and no longer get agitated after just a few words.

My private life will always be protected as it is at the moment, which I think will never change. I never pretended to be anything other than a very private person when demanded. Like I mentioned before in this world I need my safe haven, where I can anchor and wait till the storm has passed.

Adapt slightly to the rhythm of the world…….

who are we

Who are we to be emotional 

Who are we to play with hearts 

And throw away it all 

Who are we to turn each other’s heads 

Who are we to find ourselves in other people's beds 

I don't like the way I never listen to myself 

I feel like I'm on fire, I'm too shy to cry for help 

I don't think you know me much at all 

This love is be and end all 

This love will be your downfall 

I'm feeling down about this love 

Who are you to make me feel so good 

Who are we to tell ourselves that we're misunderstood 

Oh who am I to say I'm always yours 

Who am I to choose the boy that everyone adores 

I don't see a reason why we can't just be apart

Now we're falling on each other like we're always in the dark

I don't think you warned me much at all 

This love is be and end all 

This love will be your downfall 

This love is not what you want 

This heart will never be yours 

This love is be and end all

This love will be your downfall 

Sunny morning today and I listened to this song, and most of it made sense for its own reason. Not the typical love song to listen to but it sounded like my last attempt as I recently have been calling it. 

Not much has happened in my life it just feels like nature kicked me in the butt to get me moving again, not only my sorry ass back to the gym but also emotional. Thanks Mother Nature, just what I needed to wake up from this emotional hibernating. Cliché or not the world really does look different once nature calls. 

So I am back in the gym but to make sure I keep on going I have teamed up with one of my colleagues who also needs a push in the right direction and so far we are doing good. 

Good thing I am not trying to reverse the hands of time and think they will make me look younger. Even though it hurts. But life is moving forward, step by step at the moment but I take my steps with a smile. Some things in life seem to make more sense and my friendships are helping me here, although there is a change coming in my close circle.  But whatever remains I will be fine with it, and friends come in to our lives at one point and some are destined to leave at another moment and time. Evolution of friendship as it is called. 

After what seems a long storm in my head, the grey clouds made way for some sunnier intervals, I am not yet out of the cloudy skies but like outside I have more periods of sun.... (Might that be the reason my head feels that warm sometimes?) 

Not a new beginning as we sometimes talk off when we close a book, I think I evaluated that wrong it is adding another chapter to the book that is called my life. You might need some editions of a manual that is me, but my story should only be one book, with many chapters as it seems. This work is written with some analyzing along the way during the writing process and I am afraid that the last line will be the text on my tombstone! Good that I planned ahead and made that one clear, the only thing left blank is the date. 

So when my story is finished, well that would be it, this page, if than still in existence will not be updated with my famous last words...... well let’s keep that thought for the far, far away future. For the moment I have other things on my mind. 

This is one of these days that I find myself in the office, not flushed with work but only little tasks to perform and plenty of time to think and have coffee, lunch is actually just around the corner, let’s focus on that one, what will I have .... he he he ... chicken or beef?? The simple thought of going on holiday, can’t wait, need my Spanish sun and friends and forget work for a few weeks en just be on a beach read a book and be with friends. Well for now one of my close friends is dragging me to lunch. Until next time!