Coffee and Frosties

Good morning world, blue skies and sunshine, what else can one wish for? Nothing I think.

It has been a week now with sun and rain, but more of the first as the latter. When on holiday you should relax and get rid of the ghost of last year, well it seems easier said than done. Not so many ghosts but a few that will linger on for just a little longer. Counting myself lucky that I do not have to fight demons in my life, at the moment there is simply no space for them.

Like all the other years I have been here, the local magic works and my head gets rinsed, not completely but I do get more sleep and room to think about the other things in life. 

The beach the ocean and the sound of the waves make up for a nice smoothing and soothing feeling clearing the attic which rest on my shoulders from the dust and the dirt of the past months. A nice and fresh feeling resulting in a fresh look ahead, looking at things a little less worried.

As I arrived at the end of the summer holiday season here in Spain the blue Atlantic short wonder moment is reduced to a minimum, but nonetheless there are still some moments where my eyes catch something nice making my view even more attractive.

According to the whatssapp messages from home I am missed, well he doesn’t say how much, beware he might open up about his feelings below the surface. A few days ago I received the message that if I would meet my “dream guy” I would be free to chase him. Well thanks, but as I told him, I am quit happy the way things are, but did he want me to say I am asking myself? The past three years should have given him enough proof that I am happy with the guy I have, have being the big word here. While he went on his 5 day holiday he was on the gay dating apps from sunrise till bedtime, looking around as he mentioned. Fine with me we have no set rules other then to be careful as our health depends on it. He came home after 5 days without having acted on his impulses, was he kinda asking for a medal here? In between his break and my holiday we had a few days and some days before my departure told me that he was jealous, he would have liked being with me on the beach, tough I told hm, you made the decision to go alone and not with me, although the invitation was extended, so no complaining now. You would be in a situation too much like a relationship, true, he admitted and I know that is still a uncomfortable place for him. Maybe in the future he replied. Well I have been hearing this reply for the last 3 years so I am not taking this al too serious. But the first time that week he admitted the he loved me at least a little. Sounds like progress but let’s just see it as a compliment. I love how my friends hope something even nicer will develop but I am sorry to say it is not going to happen, this “ relationship “ will run his course be it long or short, the end date is al to clearly at the horizon. The end date looms at the horizon and I have no clue when it will arrive nor do I think about it to much. Momentary he is opening up a little more each time we talk or see each other, which feels great and on the other hand I do not want a person in my life who becomes too much part of my every day life. The coming time I have to fight some little battles myself to stay afloat and I need my energy for that, he is there to make me relax and take a moment off from the world and all the stuff in it. The age difference is noticeable from time to time but presently not disturbing the thing we have. Do I love him? Good one, I feel something for him that makes me happy and satisfied, sure I would love some more time with him but the way things are going its at the correct pace for me. Yes maybe it it the thought that it is not going to last that holds me back, but I am confronted with his attitude and behavior. There are some relationships with an age gap like ours that seem to work, but me, I still find myself troubled of the idea of a working one when two people are 25 years apart and where the youngest one is still in the closet and has his life sheltered (the gay one) from his public appearance. He is a typical thirty something, with all the trimmings I might add. Part of that life for me is not that of a grown up, but when I look around he is not alone in that. The other parts like work and being with me talking about God knows what are great but there is a limit. Long ago I decided not to try and find the grey line that separates the two of them. In time he will change as I have over the decades (no I feel an antique ) as I changed over the years and still am (that was pointed out to me lately). 

One more week here and we will continue and see what lies ahead actually day by day and I think I will need my blog to put my thoughts online and in front of me, to read back and to archive my own little electrical grey matter sparkles. 

I had hoped to be blogging each and every day but no, wasn’t able to hold that promise, so today before heading to the beach just after breakfast I found my head full of thoughts and needed to blog, so there it is. My mental newspaper for the day. From the living room I can see the first people straw lying on the beach, to Spain so nobody has put a tool down and enjoys the morning sunshine. I will head over in about an hour to take in the afternoon sunshine.

Tonight the festival of Darbo starts with a lot of Booz and music. I will head over there and try to get my cup and handkerchief just to add to my collection. And have a small taste of the flaming drink and make sure my host will arrive home safely.

Enough for today my coffee and shower awaits, catch you later amigos!

Hola, on the move

The first day of the holiday has started and I found myself getting up early to finish some of the last little things before jumping in the car and heading to the railway station. Why is it that when you think you have plenty of time to get there you are still tight for time? More traffic then expected and how's lawn  mowers for a bonus? Not one but 4 on my side of the road, so slowing down traffic more then just a bit. Things never go smoothly when you want them or rather need them the most. 

But in the end I made it to my train and to the airport in time. Dropping of my luggage and of to Starbucks for my departure coffee.... Guess what, card payments not possible, luckily I had cash but the people waiting in line in front of me not realizing what was happening,  because we have our ingrown earpieces, or our main focus goes to our mobile phone resulting in them not hearing the staff announcing this fact. Few minutes and some frustrated people later I sat down with my coffee and a slice of banana cake to enjoy the noise of a large departure lounge and some angry customers.  

Enough time and coffee for me to watch and observe people..... The day before I left I had a little mishap while experimenting with my hair.... Tried a little color, which can go a long way wrong..... Next to that a non perfect haircut, so onto scissors and some more dye for my hair..... All on the morning of departure...  But the result, a different haircut and one not shared with plenty of other gay guys, seems that one I destroyed is in high demand and al needed the huge amount of wax I hated over the last few months. So, nice and short and a little darker as planned , I was ready to head south. A walk towards the gate and more people to watch, why do some guys need to accessorize no matter what the weather? You are traveling and if you are skinny and kinda good looking well nothing more you need..... But no we add a shawl a jacket etc, just to ad the much needed fashion... I am more than happy in my shorts and t-shirt.

 Arrived at the gate and the flight before mine was still there, already 30 min late so I sat down ready for a delay myself. And the only negative or rather one of the negative things of flying cheap, a lot of people traveling, even at the almost end of the summer holiday period and in my case a few Spanish blokes on their way back from festival touring in holland, not the company I mind sitting with together, at least the view is nice.

Once settled in my chair on board I thought it time to watch the final episode of this seasons game of thrones, which I had quickly downloaded this morning, to my surprise I-tunes was busy with all kind of things with my iPad but not putting that episode on my iPad ... So here I am writing, not in the mood for watching pirates of the Caribbean (again). Movieless but able to blog, I just forgot to log in onto my Microsoft account before going on flight mode so word isn't working either, back to old note it is. In summer I am not to fond of clouds in the way of the sun, but now there is a cloud I need and it is not available.... Something to figure out at my destination..... Frustrating is the main word here.... Happy to have a solution and later today I can copy this into my blog page and the holiday has officially started, blog and all.

Haven't been flying for a while but this Spanish captain is very quiet, no announcement yet, about flight time, a welcome or any thing, or is this not included anymore in cheap travel? Must have missed that one. We are still in the air and heading south so something must be going ok. 

My 2 hour plus layover in Barcelona is cut by at least an hour so if there is no other delay I am smoothly on the move to my connection.  

Looking forward to tomorrow being able to sleep in and get some beach time if and when the family doesn't have any other plans for me..... After the few months I had I can do with some waves and sand and sound of the Atlantic ..... The only thing I miss not being in the navy anymore, the sea oh yes and travel..... Happy where I work now and I hope I can continue as it gives me something to do, plus financial freedom to still travel south, like now and enjoy what live has to offer me.  So now back to my music and watching out of the window as none of my neighbors here in the plane is watching Game of thrones........ Hasta mañana 

checking suitcase

The last couple of days working, a weekend and off on a well earned holiday. Already there in my mind so i have to be careful not to show up at work in flip flops and a multi colored short..... I do my best. the usual things are done, checked in to my flights, cleaned the suitcase (which actually needs replacing) packed the first few items and trying to remember al the other things I need to get or to pack. 

It has been a year and a little since my last visit and so much has happened but most important I am noticing that my brain is full, full of stuff, collected over the last few months and i do need to get the lid of this barrel and empty some of it into the Atlantic and let is disappear into the distance to be never seen again. Years ago i thought vacation time, who needs it truly, only to find out now that I do!

The sun is out and i have a blue sky at home and even someone wearing something blue when he leaves the water, but this is on the clock. How ever long it is going to last? I have no clue, sometimes it gets a little more serious and within seconds you can feel him taking some distance, because what we do or what we talk about it getting to "serious". For me it is funny to see this and i must admit sometimes I try to trigger it. Yes he is dear to me and i do enjoy the time we spend together, lately we do talk after "you know what" and i like it, it is a slow part of telling me more about his life, and trust me he is very slow in that. Well lets be honest its not easy communicating from the closet. Now i am going away for the better part of 3 weeks he lets me know that he would have liked to be with me on the beach. Tough! You decided to go on your own and not take the oppertunity to join me visiting my family down south. you would have had your freedom and no one would have asked any questions, you would have just been accepted for the guy you are. well maybe in the future you will take that chance and see why i am happy there. 

when ever life hands me lemons i try to make lemonade of it in spain ad some alcohol (call it lemoncello) and put my feet up! Life truly is to short for bullshit! I am about to start work today knowing that tomorrow will be my last working day for a while..... and with a smile i will start and finish today as i am getting closer to my days away in the sun, where I can gaze into the blue sky waiting for my blue short wonder, but you will be on my mind.....

Summer again

Well well it has been a while, and life wasn't boring, so i did have a reason to write, but i just didn't sit down and do it. Before Google tells me it is going to delete my blog i better start writing again and maybe, just maybe my brain will thank me too.
At the moment i am waiting for my trip to Spain, for my summer to really begin untill that time i just have to work and gather my thoughts. Not writing for a few months means i have to look and think where to start and notice again what is happening. Luckily i have friends who remind me that i have been silent for too long. 

For a few months, or actually rather 2 years i have been in a "relationship" that made me think a lot, we see each other regularly and can have a relationship but not in the open, because he is not out and the age gap, yes its a biggie...... it made me look into this a little more.

Gay relationships come in all sorts of shapes and sizes.  None of us chooses to be gay and we certainly can choose whom we date and fall in love with. Because of love sometimes this results in intergenerational relationships that have both their benefits and or concerns. 

Let’s break down the pros and cons of intergenerational relationships where a prominent age gap exists between the two guys.

Pro:  Invigorate and Energize Your Life

There’s nothing more exciting than finding a strong connection with somebody.  By dating outside your age, you’re liable to find somebody with vastly different experiences and opinions than yours.  Whether you’re the younger or the older, intergenerational gay dating is the place to be. The younger can introduce you to some of the newest clubs on the scene, while the older can take him out for a night of classic cuisine that never ages. In our case this is not the case, but it is worth mentioning it as a pro. Both add something here into the relationship.

Con:  The Allure of Taboo

As gay men, we’ve already entered a so-called taboo. Be mindful of gay dating someone in another age category strictly for the allure of taboo. If you’re younger and seeking a sugar daddy, your gay relationship is likely not going to work.  If you’re older and seeing a young servant, again, don’t be surprised if it doesn’t make it passed a few dates. Some things are not to last. We have had different phases in ours. Only to find that we work on some levels and others can not be explored because it is not a "complete" one. It's fine with me now, the way we are together is balanced on what we both want or expect, but there is a little shift into somewhat more. Where this is going to end? I'm not sure and for the moment it doesn't bother me.

Pro:  Not Settling

Too often, we seek relationships of comfort.  We date those that we meet through friends that are usually close to our own age.  But this doesn’t result in a long term commitment for some of us.  Why not break free from the past and liven up your future?  Show everyone that you’re not willing to settle for another failed gay dating adventure.  Pick up that person at the bar that’s nothing like what you’ve gone for before. And so he did, after 2 years of trying he found me willing to give it a try, resulting in us playing to gether now for a little over 2 years, with still nothing to complain.

Con:  Society’s Judgment

Society loves to wag their finger and place judgment.  This definitely applies to intergenerational relationships.  They see two men in a gay relationship that are clearly not the same age and begin to make and/or think various rude comments.  Potentially, they’re going to see the younger one as having Daddy issues or trying to act grown up.  As for the older, they’ll see him as being immature or a cradle robber. Just a few friends of mine are aware of what I am having at the moment and as expected their reactions differ, one wants us to make the big step while another is just happy that we are having a good time. Being the older part here I am comfortable with what we have, i notice little changes and most of them are good, but i am fully aware of the expiring date. Next to getting older (we both have this) it's the view of life, where do i stand? Whats next? Both of us have different views, but they do not interfere with our common things.

Pro:  Connecting on Common Ground

There’s nothing more exciting than basing a relationship on common ground instead of age.  Ignore the judgment of friends and allow them to bask in your amazing relationship.  Once, they see you in your gay relationship, they’ll know exactly why you two are together.  They’ll see the many interesting common interests that you have. These can involve anything from: traveling, dining, gaming, exercising, dancing, etc. It’s your right to enjoy dating whomever you like.  If it turns into a relationship, then that is even better.

Con:  Performing Prescribed Roles

Occasionally, intergenerational relationships can fall into performing prescribed roles.  For example, the younger is the submissive one and the older is the dominant one.  The older may control the finances and begin dictate how the younger can spend their time.  Likewise, the older feels they must control the younger to ensure that they are fulfilling their role as the wise one. I can see this as a point but it is not happening in ours as we are not on that level and have seperated lives for most of the time.

Pro:  Extended Social Circles

One of the best parts of dating someone from a different generation is getting to extend your own social circles.  It’s likely that the two of you have vastly different acquaintances, friends, and work contacts.  By entering into this relationship, you’ve now potentially added a ton of new friendships.  Now there’s the opportunity to put together fun dinner events, weekend getaways, and house parties.  Each get together now features a mix of yours and his most interesting friends. Again not the case with us, and from what i gather our circle of friends is fastly diffferent but i would like to just mention it as a pro, simply because it can be.

Con:  Future Reality

While an intergenerational  relationship may work for you today, what about 10, 20, or even 30 years from now?  Gay dating a different age is fun and all, but a relationship may mean serious commitment.  If you’re younger, are you prepared for potentially caring for your partner in their old age?  If you’re older, are you willing to watch them make some of the mistakes that you made.  Once lust turns to love, there’s more at stake than excitement, there’s a future to consider.

Dating is an opportunity to go out and connect with whomever that you want.  At some point, you may enter into an intergenerational gay relationship.  

Who knows where we still can end up, for now I treasure the moments we have together, it's simply nice to be together.

Now let's see if i can keep writing, as there seems to be enough to think and write about.

When the fog lifts

Take a look, look into my eyes, you'll see someone you don't recognize.
You'll see someone who looks like me but I'm not the me I used to be
Found I could fall, but I could get up and after all, I could hold my head up.
I made it out, I made it through so far.

I'm someone now, I'm someone new, but you could say you knew me then
You could say you knew me when, knew me when I was on the edge and my confidence was shattered.

Don't you look surprised to see I've changed, I've turned the key and I've turned the page.

Stepped out scared, had so much fear then, it took too much for too long.

Over the last months I needed to find me again in a world that keeps changing inside and outside. Feelings, thoughts I could not even put in my blog, they were not clear enough to but into words.

Feeling things are in hand when they seem to slip out of your hands without warning, loosing control of the things I was hoping to guide me through the period in my life where things were new, except my age, my body and mind. How much I tried to keep my brain young, separate it from the clock ticking inside me. Lost track of time and of me, myself. Wisdom comes with age they tell you, well I must have arrived at the station only to see the tail lights of that train. 

Some days are easier to forget that one day at the time is ageing you at the same rate. You only start to listen when te body tells you, or rather ruthless awakens my senses to the fact the guy in the mirror is changing. Never have I been the person aiming for the lower levels in life just to climb another mountain, but I try. This time a pebble, a spring or a unicorn is not crabbing my attention it is a slight form of depression, getting older is neither a gift nor a curse, it's something you have to get accustomed too. I have it hard sometimes, but still looking for the sunny side of things. 

My on the shoulder biological PC, is in need of some new juice. Most of the time now my brain is tired and needs more stimulants to stay on the positive uphill climb.

So there we go after months of not being present I need to get things out before it consumes me. Work and walking my dog are not the only things keeping me from the thoughts of what next, what will be the person you could remember from now on. So indeed to put it into words, reflect when I need and to find my spark back, and who knows positive energy wrapped in a blue short. 

It's time to sleep and hope that by morning the first rays of sunshine will lift the fog. Making for a bright early spring day. 

Expect that writing will pick up again, making my head spin less......