February is almost gone and March is knocking on my door, I wonder where the time has gone, it feels like yesterday the last time I posted something online.
Somehow things are slipping through my fingers, and I do not notice it.
Trying to do better or write more just seem like things I imagine. Must try harder, let that be a mental note, and I hope I read my notebook sometimes.
Winter has happened and the world became white and cold, the ice solid and people going crazy for a round of skating on natural ice. And it did get cold! But it was something that felt like history a life around me, something that I recognize from days long gone by. But not only to me it felt like good old times other people also had these feelings and watching kids, grown ups and even old people on the ice for a few days the world did not change as from my childhood memories. It felt good, comfortable and apart from a danger to traffic or even crossing the ice, there was this atmosphere of all is ok. True the weirdest of things just because we have a cold few days in winter, but it is something that never changes, if doesn’t depend on mobile phones, pc’s or other modern toys, gadgets or gismo’s.
Old-fashioned but so much fun and one of the few things we call living memories, history even perhaps.
Other than that the flu got me and after a week I thought I was done with it, hell no it came back with a vengeance. So again I am home, with sprays, powder and pills to get me through the day. Nasty seasonal greetings from Mother Nature. Thanks mam!!!!
Next to having a cold I do not feel happy in general, don’t know why, think the autumn of my life is knocking and I opened the door and let it in. we all talk about it but it does happen, and it feels real, of other stuff I am just tired! Somewhere deep inside me I want to close things, emotions, feelings and other personal stuff. Trying to come to turns with things that happened but let me with an understanding of a few things in life.
Navy might be more in my blood as I ever thought I would be possible, the more I realize that my active navy days are well behind me, I can not (yet) settle in my everyday thing, or routine. The more I see the new generation being trained ready to go to sea and have adventures, or simple be away from home, I feel like I am not there yet, not the right time to say it all farewell. But I have to and I must, fighting is of no use as the days are getting less and less till I have to close the door behind me and become the outsider.
Suddenly I have more respect for my dad, he closed the door and lived his life, and he moved on, this man was strong. I do have a little over 2 years before the gates will close behind me for the last time and I will step into the world a different man. Yes I know, I will be different and even in those few months remaining things will change. What ever happens around me I do notice it and every time I switch on the TV, watch the news and see images of places I have been I wonder if I am ever going to see them again. I can truly be thankful for all I have seen and all I was able to do, the friends that I met and the people I loved and still love. All that and more shaped my life and when in the end I close my eyes for the last time, I can smile as I did have fun, and I do hope some more days of fun lie ahead. In a few weeks I will be an uncle to a new family member and who knows I will be able to teach her something about all that is possible. Over the months I grew closer to my family, my brothers and sisters with their kids and I am happy. He might not always realize that I am still there for him but I am still there for the love of my life. What ever he will do or where he will go I will be there in case he needs me.
Even though I hate to be alone and would prefer to be with someone I am also aware that it is possibly not going to happen anymore, so many things are getting stuck in my life that I need what ever I can get in freedom from somewhere else and I am afraid that that would not make a good husband. On the other hand I am tired, too tired of starting again and it is too late to correct a few things to make it al easier. So I hold on to what I have in friends and family and put my energy into myself and my home, so I can come home after my last day in the navy in a couple of years and truly come home. Look around and find something else to do for a few days a week. Become a different man who hopefully will not look back on his past to much and with to much bitterness. May it all be sweet, sweet memories for most of the time!
