when the music plays

The fireplace is on and piano music playing in the background, looking outside the street lantern has almost disappeared in the fog. Should we call this the perfect evening at home? Time to think of more romantic things? Do they still exist? I wonder, only sometimes because I do know they are still out there, even if it is only on TV.

The evening just seems to be perfect to be in that kind of mood. Here I am on the couch just having the place to myself and enjoying the music and a glass of wine. The evening is quiet and evens the cold and fog seems to be in place to make it even better. I needed an evening like this, just to sit, think of nothing and for once take the time to really listen to music again. The piano music is getting al my attention, next to the laptop while writing my blog.

When do we stop having dreams about the future? I am approaching 50 and having a divorce around the corner to finish and the next single period officially starts. SO what do I want from the future? For the moment that the things that should be securing my future get on a stable path again, as the Euro is in trouble so are millions of people and I am only one of them. Sure there are people worse of than me, but it is a part in the worrying process.

Together it is probable better to face it all, but at what costs? The government is making living together loose you money and staying together for the money? To have kids would be a lame excuse now, but what do I want from the years ahead? Funny how I had many dreams when I was 30 but they have come and gone over the years and I noticed that far more dreams are on the exit track. What I dream, remains mainly a dream, am I to old to believe in the “what if”, and the just “if”, years and moments? To have a fantasy I read my books and drift away to far away lands in times long, long ago.

Tonight I was talking to a friend about future plans, and relationships, and when he asked about a new love in my life I could only answer that I first want to find someone to sleep next to and not be awake all night thinking what the hell I am doing there. After a few years and a few attempts of sleepovers I now know what and when, I so know things am meaningful. For I do have that moment to compare it too. No that single moment wasn’t to last but I now have something to compare it too.

Here on the couch I even wonder if I want to go that track again, I am tired of trying and now where I am settled in the village I do not want someone around me telling me to change things, move or get rid of furniture etc. The first one who tries I would tell probably to take a hike. When I tried to present someone a home, it wasn’t enough in a way, I even left something’s open to change, but it did not happen, it just didn’t happen how ever long I waited. So in the end I settled more and more in my ways, as I was also building my place to be safe and secure to have a house a home. Like I planned many things, in the end I got my house my home, but I never got round to be playing the piano. Hence I am listening to someone else do it, but on a cd I bought and I play in my safe place.

Many things in life we dream off but a few just happen, others we have to compromise, and let’s be hones, o do not have room for a grand piano here anyway…..

Good night and sweet dreams…….

Sun, leaves and a cold air

Sun is shining through the leaves, a blue sky; from the living room it looks great. The cold coming from the window tells me that winter is coming. The light through the branches and the few remaining leaves is making this into a great start of a Sunday morning.

For some strange reason it makes me think about so many things, moments like these must have been the reason why so many people are writing great stuff make amazing pictures or just smile at a beautiful day.

Just been outside and the air feels clean, cold but still there is a cuddle from nature. These are the moments where you want to take the dog for a long walk while holding the others hand and just walk, no talking just taking a moment. The day can be yours, without words, paint an everlasting picture in your head, these are moments we want to cherish, a day that should end on the couch, a fireplace a good book and a fine glass of wine.

The world is no longer important; it is a Sunday where no newspaper lands on my doormat or where I use the internet to check up on things that are miles away. Life is a series of pictures sometimes, some you like and some you don’t some are works of art and others should land in the dustbin. But it is our album and as with family pictures we keep them, we just don’t look at them all the time.

The cold is coming and somehow I feel snow will be early this year, and the season of wanting to be with others has already started. I have a Sunday ahead where I want to do some things but I do not know if I feel like doing it. A new week is ahead and I have no clue what lies ahead, but I do know it will be different as I planned a few weeks ago.

As where most people want to get together this period I find myself to want to be left alone a little more as usual. The comfort I need I am finding in my home, maybe because I have been on the road so many years I finally find out what being at home really is.

Everyone has an idea of what a home should be, how strange when it hits one that it can be so different form what we whished for. For me it seems to get clearer slowly. How different but yet comfortable it can be, that is the thing that hits me. More and more I find myself just being at home reading and trying to find some mental rest. Then there are moments like these where I find the peace in being on the couch just watching the sunshine playing the game of shadows on my garden floor. It’s nice and comforting in a way, it does not make me want to do anything at the moment. I might even go and get dressed and go for a walk in the country, really getting a fresh nose. Even the village is quiet, at peace in a way, I presume that people enjoy a nice lazy morning and will start walking the streets somewhere this afternoon.

For the moment I feel I could stay here for a few days and just feeling good at home. But as after every weekend there will be a Monday after this, and so back to work. But for now not thinking about it too much.

Once I finished writing I will do some housework and get some things out of the way so I have less to do the coming week after work. The days are longer as I am used to and I still have to adapt to the working days and the traveling. Life is going to a normal every day thing. The past life in other cities traveling from and to home during the weekends seem to be as different as from what I am having now, it seems to be more than just a change. I came home, and now it seems not just a change of scenery. London and all the other places I have lived are great but now a part of the past, but it seems like turning the switch overnight. The day I left Bahrain, London and Beirut, each for their own reasons felt like hell, but hell only seem to last a few days after that I picked up like normal, where ever I found myself waking up. Now however I am at home picking up wasn’t as easy as the other moments. Yes I do get older and probably less easy to adapt to changes but I do feel tired much more of lately as I ever did before. The changes are taking their toll I noticed, and next to that I know that my working life as I know it will be over in 3 years. Next to settling in at home I also have to prepare for a future I never before had at such short notice. Life as I know it is still changing and I think I need to enjoy moments like this for their simplicity and beauty just as they happen. And a beautiful day is a beautiful day, writing about it and looking at the last couple of days or the coming week might help me with it. Having a blog feels like having a good thing right now.  For the moment I can reflect on my thoughts and having the sunshine on my face, warming me on a cold day. Now I need some fresh air on my face, a walk will be great. More sun and a better view of what is around my village, let’s go and look at the world.

Dark again outside

Another weekend draws to an end and yet again to early!!! But, I have done a little more as I opted for on Friday and so in all not a bad one.

Done some reading watched a movie, or two or three and did some stuff in the house other than the usual cleaning and laundry. The sun was out and that made most of it so much easier.

The evenings on the couch with the candles and the fireplace and the world are a different place all together. Last night was the first one that I missed this pair of legs next to me on the couch, the thought didn’t last long as Merlin was about to start so thanks to the BBC my feeling of missing the other disappeared as by magic. After the things on TV ended I moved back to my book and enjoyed the warmth of the fireplace embracing me on the couch while reading one chapter after another, and let a fantasy world take me too far, far away places. Where summer lacked in moments where I could drift of to these magical places, these cold nights are making me catch up and feel like I have never been away from never land…. So to say.

The village has been quiet, and we all seem to have enjoyed the sunny moments over the weekend, we sat together and had our coffee and small talk, the things that make a village a village and it grows on me.

Because of great changes at work I have been thinking of starting to look for a second job to make things at home happen a little faster, and really take steps back when the navy lets go off me. So now waiting what will happen over the coming weeks, the year is also getting closer to an end and Xmas and the December preparations will fetch my attention. Before that I have a LGBT meeting and after that I will take one of the guys home for some relax moments here in the village and we might even go out to see a movie or so, and talk a lot, like last time, I imagine. 20 years in age difference does make good for a lot of talking, but we get along fine and it helps him on his way to, well we do not know yet. But at least I can guide him a little in this forest, we call life. We compare his views on everything with mine, be it relationships, faith, dating, sex you name it and we talk about it. No, its not only advice I give him, some moments I do learn and it makes me see things from a different angle and so after a few days I hope we both are the wiser.

Sunday evenings, how cozy they sound how short they seem to be nowadays, up early on the Monday makes going to bed early on a Sunday less pleasant. But it has to happen. So for now I am back to my Spanish course a little TV and than a chapter in my book before I attempt to sleep.

Sweet night my prince, where ever you are…….

Dark already outside......

a second .... when i close my eyes

Winter is coming, the nights get colder and we are planning to change the tyres on the car, is this the time to announce winter? The sun was out today and I even worked in the garden to get it ready for winter, and there it is again, winter. To be honest it feels like it is the time for it. The nights are noticeably shorter and it is still dark when I leave for work in the morning. Last week the farmers removed the last of the crops from the field and so autumn seems to be well on its way.

I noticed that there are still leaves on the trees in my garden so it seemed not yet time to start the end of the year routines. Sitting on the couch now surrounded by candles and having the fireplace warming the room my mind is more going towards the coming season.

Even when I find myself alone on my couch I am content with it. As of late it seems more couples are struggling with their relationships, and to be honest, that is not motivating me anymore in having or finding one.

Still having a husband in a way and having none in another, can one get more cryptic?

Missing is the guy next to me to cuddle and feeling the comfort and the peace because he is there, but on the other side having my freedom at home and not having to worry what goes on in his mind, on the balance, its quiet and when I need him I can always call him and I am fine afterwards. Funny how things can go, but things are fine, to be answering that question in a simple matter.

Vision is a thing we forget to mention or think about when we get married or decide to start a serious relationship. What would a not serious relationship be? Even with my butcher I have a somewhat serious relationship….. I do want to know what ends on my plate. For the moment how ever I am glad I have the place to myself, no dealing with others and their wishes, I know it sounds selfish but in a way I am done with that, or maybe just tired in doing so.  Now I have time for my books, movies and friends, and I can put them away or on hold when it suits me.

If I want to change the world or want mr. Perfect I just close my eyes and imagine, what ever I want and in 2 seconds I can change the world, organize world peace and even change my husband if I want. Fly to far away places I have never been and do things I don’t dear in real life. Imagination has been my lifelong friend, I have always been good in writing short stories and it helps me with the madness or stress off everyday life. Behind closed eyes everything is so easy, but it would be unfair to expect that from real life. Even my husband would be boring if he would fit the bill. We try to change so much of what we are giving in life and for what? Why did we go looking for it in the first place, sure I would like my love to be as it would suit me, but would that be honest? We should add to each others life and we should get out in the end the better. Today while cleaning I found my wedding vows, or rather ours, reading them it feels like it as been ages since we said these things to each other. They still sound nice, and so I might do something with it. Even with the divorce around the corner it is a memory I like to keep.

When I close my eyes

I can concur the world in 3 seconds

Climb towards heaven and live there

Make love in 2 seconds.

Build a castle in 1 and destroy it in one more

Burn all the money in the world.

Know what future will bring

But its all in my head

I would love to stay there

Thoughts come and go

I could stop time

Love again

Be invisible for a lifetime

See the world through your eyes

Close my eyes and walk through walls

And it is all in my head,

How I would have loved to stay there

Thoughts come and go

And I can fly, where ever desire takes me

But all in my head, all in a second

I think it is about time to close my eyes for a few seconds……….see what’s in my head

when the wind blows.......

Lying on the bed, the window open and listening to the storm-like winds outside, autumn is back and the sound of the wind is silencing the sound of my thoughts, in a moment where I want it to be quiet.

A busy and strange week came to an end and I am tired, of too many things I think, why do we think that much? Is that what makes us so special?

The clock tells me it is far from sleeping time,  I’m here way to early. But I needed darkness and the sound of the wind and the little cold entering the bedroom through the open window. As much as I long for sunshine, a beach and the sea, now the cold autumn air is my friend in sound and temperature.

Time for some more songs I selected, and try to drift away a little, to far, far away places or times long gone by, who knows?

I have to keep reminding myself
I'm not like anyone else
That's my face on my ID
That makes me V.I.P.
No one exactly like this
No one with my fingerprints

You stop with little changes,
'Till you don't know who you are
Surround yourself with friends
Who only call you a superstar
 
The sky is the limit
And I just wanna flow
Free as a spirit on a journey of hope
Cut the strings and let me go
I'm weightless, I'm weightless
Millions of balloons heading to the ground
Weight of the world tries to hold us down
Cut the strings and let me go

All the things I held in my fist
If I don't let go, I don't exist
They've become the things that define me
How I look and the things to buy me
That's not important anymore
I feel me rising off the floor
Light as a feather, I'm carefree
I'm weightless...

It seems to me you're so heavy,
And weighs you down like that
Don't wanna be someone I hate
'Cause that too make no sense...

The bed is warm and safe, the village quiet and the rain slashing against my window, the music on soft, so I can benefit from both. Indeed on a Friday night I could have been in many places doing so many different things but for now I enjoy being home.

Over the years being alone has become my second nature I noticed, far earlier than other people I long for moments to be alone, while on the other side I miss the one to put my arms around feel his heartbeat and forget what I cherish so much now. Talking with some friends I found out that it was hard to explain that I can be happy with just sharing moments like these without the other relationship stress of sex, money, house or car…… have I learned to enjoy the peace that is still to be found in this world or did I become boring? Should I worry about this? As I am on my own I don’t actually have to think about this, in a certain way I am happy to be alone. Sure there is someone I miss, but I miss him in the moment where he was asleep and sitting across from me reading while I was preparing the food, or being in the shower together, but I am not missing the moments where it felt like I had to entertain him, put on a show just to make him smile, this I do not miss. So having found the balance somewhere I think I have to settle in being alone and have the company of my friends when I want and need company. Ever since I moved back home my friends have grown even closer and we talk much more, we laugh and sometimes even share a tear. It feels I did come home, to face the music and the future. Things are still happening that shape my future even more, and it feels a little like growing up, the time has come to cut some strings with the past. Not yet ready to weigh anchor and sail into the unknown, I think I leave that for much later.

See the differences in people and find my weaknesses and strong points, I might even get on track with life, so far I have been hopping from one side to another, to have more “fun”. No it hasn’t always be fun, as my blog shows it hasn’t been a trip to the candy store, but it tought me a lesson in jumping and life’s candy.

If and when I close my eyes and pretend I can fly, well it still works for me…….. so back to the darkness that is now my bedroom, spread my arms and think of a different place and a different time with some different early morning noise.