Getting...... somewhere

A bit late but from last week:

Thursday, the sun is out and even the getting up early is getting easier, not that i am loving it but at least i get out of bed at the sound of the alarm.

The first days in the new job are a fact and although i have to get use to do something completely different from things i am trained in i am sure i will make it past the finish line well here.

Living and working from home is the thing i have to get settled in the most i think, it is different as to leaving my place in London to go to work.  Now i have to get organized in a place i use to camp in, but on th up side the house is feeling “happier”. The fact that windows are openend and the place is aired averyday seems to be doing the house well. The smell that normally greeted me after a few weeks away is gone, and it seems to be dryer in the place. There is a routine i need to find, and it will happen, but at the moment i’m tired when i arrive home and after my meal i dooze of in front of the TV only to wake up one hour later and think of myself as an old man….. who just needs his nap, yes, i know that is bull… and i just have to settle in to the early mornings and driving bit and even more important going to bed early to get the hours of sleep i need. That seems to be the hard part here as i still enjoy watching my movie or episodes in the evening. It has only been a few days and yes i need more time to get this in to a schedule and in a few weeks this will feel normal and hoepfully i can learn to go to bed early and actually try to sleep. Still tempted to much to read a book and feel that coming home is really coming home, and to me that includes reading a book in bed before falling asleep. But we all know how nice that is.

This week i am really looking forward to the weekend and to mornings with no alarms and time to relax, next to the fact that the household tasks will be waiting for me, laundry cleaning etc…. oooohhh bliss!!!! Not mentioning that i still have to unpack a few pieces of luggage as my bedroom still looks like there has just been an airstrike. It is just not easy to organize this, i need structure but haven’t found it yet in which way i would like to manage it. Buying the boxes to store it will be the first step, after that it is doing a sweep in the attic to get rid of things that for to long now have been following me around where ever i have been the last decade. Yeap, i have my work cut out for me. Who knows, i might get something started over the weekend. The thought is there and i will really give it a try, but next to cleaning and laundry i can’t promise it will happen. Sure my bedroom will be done as i hate to do a survival training exercise to reach my bed. I need my clear space and not the danger of breaking a leg because i have to jump over suitcases.

Aaaaaaaaah work has arrived so back to that……..

Gloomy Sunday......... really??????

What is wrong with me? It is Sunday and I was making coffee at 0800 ……. That is so far from my average Sunday morning, I can’t even remember being up this early other than the times I had a shift to attend.

The sun is out, well between the clouds from time to time, out of bed indeed but still lazy. There is a lot to do around the house but I just can not get into the mood. Next to that I got all the time in the world to get my house in order.

Spend last night eating pancakes at the neighbors and had a nice evening and some good old fashioned laughs, 4 gays and a girl, almost material for soap. We talked a lot how things used to be, and I almost felt like one of the golden girls, so I had a private smile and a lot of funny thoughts.

One more sign of settling in at home, seems to be one step closer to picking up where I once left off. Tomorrow is a working day and the first one in the new office, I wonder if things will be like they used to at the “old” school. From my last visit I only noticed that some it has gone or shifted, time does change things and even this place, now about to be demolished has not withstand the test of times. Although I never liked the place it holds the memories of where things once started for me, my first lessons of a job and career that is now slowly coming to an end. Walking the old hallways and still smelling like time stood still, it will sure trigger some cherished moments we, my class and me, had during our education there. From he first time I left the school I tried to stay away as much and as far possible, for I hated that place. Now I am finishing my career in a place that shaped it for me. Where I went and what ever I did, that was mostly my doing and I can already look back to a period where the world was my playground and I never thought of the day where my traveling ends, that day has come.

If you would have asked me a week ago, this would have been much more drama, but now, it is different, things are ahead, and much more is to come. The only thing I am not sure off is if I will like my new job, somehow I don’t feel like I will fit in, I just accepted it to have a job to get me to the finish line. Now to secure my last years I might have to do something I do not like or am not the right person for, but I just have to do it. Remembering that the job will be from 0830 till 1600 and after that I have other things to focus on.

The sun is still out, and I am in need of a summer feeling I notice, wanna be in the sun read a book and relax. On my way to Amsterdam last week I started to read again, and I seem to be falling back into reading before bedtime. For a long time I could not read because I could not get my head around it and now things seem to become more relaxed and things falling into place. I wish my suitcases and boxes could do the same without me. Next week after work I have to start clearing a few things, as my wardrobe is about to explode. So far I have sorted some things but my suitcases are still full of the UK life.

Then there are the boxes in the attic still filled with the Bahrain life, time to sort out my history of the resent past. There must be things I can loose, and after that there is the Christmas collection. If possible I might even go through that and sort what ever I can drop from those boxes as they seem to be pilling up to become Santa’s Mountain.

Ok for now, I have to get up from what I am doing and get something done as I have friends coming over for dinner, the last ones to celebrate me coming home. Have to make dessert otherwise it will not set in time. Feels like writing will be something I am going to pick up too. Well at least at the moment it does.

No longer dancing in the dark

It’s Saturday and I am at home, this time really at home! No funny feelings this morning or earlier the week, I have no urge to hop in the car and head for the ferry. As my neighbor says; it might still come.

Asking me, well it can stay where it is, the feeling that is. Remembering how I left the UK before after 6 years and thought I would not be able to go back to being in Holland, but I made it than and it looks like I am making it now. True a few things have changed in a short time and thus require some of my energy and thoughts, but overall, I am doing fine. Change isn’t such a bad thing; my mood even is going along. You know this, when the head wants one thing but the heart is looking somewhere else. All of me ( and that’s a couple of pounds) is heading in the same direction, whether I am gonna like it or not is to be seen.

On this planet my worries and fears are not the heaviest and some people face a harder time than me, and somehow mine don’t feel heavy anymore. Last week I visited a friend, and we had a great day, we talked and talked and talked even more, as I left it felt like we could have gone on for hours. This time however we could not be saved by an empty phone battery, the cause of so many talks ending early, whether it is early in the morning or early in time, it sets the limits for our talks, a little over an hour and than the set dies….. Well his not mine!!!

The last weeks have been a mixture of every step op life, while talking to others, young, old and my own age, only to present me with a picture that every age has its charms and problems. Some are not standard when we turn 20; they keep hunting us from time to time. The fear of one of my friends turning 30 next year is so overpowering that me becoming 50 fades into nothingness….. And I should not be afraid, I should be proud, I made it!!!! Might not be in a fashion I once dreamed of but it got me there.

Well still have a year, but this way I can practice my smile, and look amazing!!!! Monday will be a start, a start towards the day I leave my sheltered job, I can still say sheltered, and others are not that lucky or will be that lucky. All the complaining I did over the past years actually has to be seen as me being a wimp, how often do I tell a person to stand up and face the music, the pain is there but it can only hurt once, it is like the dentist, better get it over with.

Summer is slowly drawing to an end, and we might ask what summer? This was truly a bad one, and I am fortunate with the sunny days in Spain I had….. At least I was able to swim in the sea and relax on a beach. Now I wait another year for another session. The coming months will be adjusting to Holland, talking to my new found friends and starting a life at home, from my house, my shelter. The world has become smaller, but I noticed it isn’t as dull as I thought. What ever lies ahead, I am going to face it, and I will deal with it. Some steps I will take alone a few with friends and some with family, but never without a hand to hold me when I am afraid or think the ice is way to slippery.

When looking the least your eyes are opening for so much more and it can be beautiful even when dredged by a sudden rain shower, where you get wet but not cold. In the midst of a group you can be quiet en still make noise by just looking and being who you are, because we are all part of a bigger plan.

Life doesn’t just happen, you can make it happen, we are free, free all the time!!!

Borders, lines and boxes......

Why is when we move or getting our house in order we find parts of our life we can suddenly do without?

For almost 2 days now I am shifting boxes and bags from one corner to another in the idle hope of finding space or order in things. So far I have filled other boxes and containers with loads of stuff coming out of other boxes and or bags, am I really creating order in chaos or just changing the outside of the box they were in, in the first place?

I wonder why it is or rather feels like nothing is changing in a situation that has completely changed. Tomorrow evening I know things will definitely be in a different order as I hope my basement, the place where all things undefined go, will be a clean organized space. This should be the start sign of getting my house on track to being a home.

This evening on the couch I watched a movie where so much that happened also seemed to be part of my life, it made me frown, just a little as at my age we should be worried about every forced wrinkle. It didn’t take long to realize that every body has these moments. Not the only one with bad luck on this world, so with a smile thinking that all isn’t that bad.

The quick plan of cleaning and getting things in order just can’t go that fast without loosing track of other items. And this way I know what I am doing and hopefully by the end of the year I can still remember where I put some things I need in that season of festivity.

The neighbors are happy to see me, not leaving! Not to have the feeling to have to drive to the ferry is not yet settled, so it will take some time. Starting next week at my new job will probably help realizing the change in my head. Someone told me it is only something that takes time and that is it, to me it is a little more than that because it also is a big financial change, so I have to get use to a budget again. After all those years I go back to basic. I just have too, otherwise there will be bigger troubles at the horizon. Positive is my attitude and somehow I am going to make it. Adjusting is the magic word here, and that will be on track in a while.

Seems like life has to get organized and playing somewhere on the globe has become history, when I cross borders in the future it will be for a holiday.

Time to find my lines and borders to cross or not cross, that is the question…….

Landing on both feet..... leaving a boat

It’s about time I climb back into the keyboard and post a blog, I keep on trying but I also keep on failing, I almost need a reminder in my calendar to tell me it’s about time to do something.

But I am back, back in many ways, back at a house I now need to call home in more than one way, back in a country I seem to have been avoiding for too long, back in a life that has more stability and less traveling.

As I went on my holiday I promised to write more and probably more regular than before, guess what I didn’t! Funny enough.

So back home between boxes, bags and other heaps of my life I sit and write, or rather give it a try. So much is still going on in my head and in my life, which I still have to adjust to so much. A few weeks ago I was only thinking of moving back to my country and getting older, now there is much more, and it is in a good way. Closing one door doesn’t really mean an end to things but in my case rather: Hello World here I am, a little different but still me, so what is out there?

Out there, well there is a lot, and so I noticed, but only after I had some talks with friends and neighbors as I was going through a “mid-life thingy", and it was a big one, didn’t see that one coming, Ever been hit by a bus? I haven’t but I kinda have a feeling what that must be like.

Having these friends and family was always a blessing but this time they carried me across my deepest water, and I am the one serving in the navy!!!

As we get older we get wiser, sure that’s the plan, but who made that statement? And why is when we go mad; “Stupid OLD cow”? And that is just one of a list as long as my arm.

Well I am getting old with mixed feelings, but I share some of them so it’s no longer that heavy, that’s one solution.

Back to the last weeks, packing cleaning and ending my job and life in the UK was unfolding in a different way, moments where I wanted to stay and moments where I was just eager to get out. In the end I left with a smile on my face and yet another carload of my life.

Over a period of 2 weeks and 2 trips I packed my traveling life into my car and brought it home, I was able to measure my last years in boxes an bags. Now they are added to my house my safe haven which turned out to be more a camping site the last years as too being a home. While trying to fit my life into my place I noticed a change in atmosphere, the house will no longer be empty for long periods or be treated like a shelter. The next thing I noticed was that things will get a different place and order as from now on I will life here and need some items more regular than others, so I need to change form an occasional use into a more routine kind of way. That goes from my car to the water kettle, with this thought I need to rearrange my house. Well I will maybe find some things I no longer need or can store somewhere else. Let’s see how that is going to be.

Another thing that helped me in the last weeks was a little but colorful boat trip through the Amsterdam Canals. Yes, I know, don’t remind me, but it was a great and amazing day. Gay Pride and I was on a boat, together with my colleagues of all kind.. The day started with me driving towards Amsterdam in all but a very positive mood, I was to tired and worn out of the changes in the recent days and not in the mood for an “all day, all gay inclusive” event.

Once changed into uniform and enjoying my first coffee I noticed a sort of happiness in the air that was pleasant and it felt like I should just absorb it, so I put my mind on blanc and decided to just let it happen.

After a few words, speeches and the usual bla bla bla, we went outside to practice the way we would do our “act”. The first big laughter happened there and we would share that with the world as is was shown on TV later that day. It took some explaining and exercising but we got the picture and the routine. Once on the boat we took off, 85 people out there on a boat showing that you can be who you are and wear a uniform. The sky was almost clear and just after departure a few raindrops made us wonder what it would be like the rest of the day. Because of our size (we gay man seem to like big things…….) we arrived at the gathering point and we had to be parked before setting off on our tour through the city. It took us something like 30 minutes to get there and the first friendships were already happening, as most of the guys and girls on the boat were strangers to each other. Yes we wear a uniform, but even than diversity is a bigger thing than just being gay or a variety of it. The armed forces were bonding beyond the limits of their branches. We were out there to make it happen together!!! We were a proud and gay bunch, even with some non gay members on board.

There was a atmosphere on board that was beaming of joy and togetherness what ever the outcome would be to the public. We were all aware of the codes for the day, in uniform you still have to behave according to the rules, but they didn’t stop us being in a great mood and have fun, we might not dance and jump but we could wave and smile and I think by just being there we showed Amsterdam, my country and even the World that we were proud of who we are and the job we are doing.

Almost at the end of my career within the armed forces I was part of this and I can only hope to do a few more before I hand in my uniform and leave my space for the next generation. It made me proud and more than that because of the people around me my day was like one big rainbow that I was feeling and I had no need of my pink glasses to give the world more color, it was even when there were cloud a day of sunshine and warmth. Amsterdam has never been a place where I felt happy or in any way at ease, but now sailing through the canals it was one big party, a communal feeling a celebration of the person that is within me, even when I am actually at work, so to say. Yes I am aware that some people only see the uniform and not the guy or girl in it, but even this fetish or simple thought could not take away the feeling inside me. People from all layers and all ages and backgrounds where clapping, shouting and showing their support. The energy could have powered a whole city for days. It sure gave me something.

After an amazing tour we ended up in a place where the minister launched a LGBT platform, of which I noticed very little as we were trying to dry up after a heavy rain shower and outside it was much more entertaining than the “political” indoors activity. Sure, and yes it is important that we have this, but it was crowded with god knows who thinks him self important, so smelling like a wet sheep I rather stayed outside and dry a little while drinking my pink champagne, something we damn well deserved!

Talking with colleagues meeting new people feeling this communal energy and joy, life was sunny, even with rain soaked trousers, how funny life can be.

The joy and feel-good feeling of the day had me in its grip and I must have been radiating with joy that afternoon. The happening came to an end and on the way back to the base to change and go home I was surrounded by my new friends, facebook and other social media suddenly showed a hyper activity.

As I drove back I was still on a high and felt sad that I wasn’t able to join the gang as they went into Amsterdam, I looked in my mirror and actually thought I would see somebody else’s face, me, wanting to go out in Amsterdam? There must have been a drug in the water they served us? Or was I finally in my mid-life crisis and filled with hormonal emotions? Slightly confused but still amazingly happy I arrived home and was invited by my neighbor to talk about the day as she spotted me on TV giving a little interview. She let me talk and talk and talk even more, just to comment; I haven’t seen you this happy in a long, long, long time. We chatted some more and all my doubts and worries about what was and what was about to happen in my life faded away.

Now a few days later I am still on that buzz, not as much as on the day but still I feel a changed man. The one in uniform and the private one have changed, and almost overnight I must say. Sure I will have my moments, but I think I arrived closer to the person I want to be and the places I can go and still be myself, Amsterdam is no more and enemy, just a city where I can choose to let it have an impact or just take and give as I please, for I am in control of my world and not someone else or a city where the past has treated me bad. This is me now and from here I go forward. See what will happen and deal with it.

As I also found out that I have not been the easiest person to be around, but, and this is a big but, I will keep my principals to deal with life and people, but they will be a base from where to build my life at home now, in my own country as the world is now a place a visit and no longer my playground where I can play hide and seek for things that happen close to heart and home.

It was fun all those years, now time has come to go out and about and meet new friends and have a life close to my front door.