we need to catch up

 

The question is where to begin? Since my last post not only has my life changed but so has the world, a pandemic, wars and a woke movement have since happened and in between that all I try to keep a sound mind. Let me tell you it is never easy.

Apart from the pandemic I have returned to go on holiday and take time to rest and enjoy the new places I have been too. The small town in Spain is not a returning spot on the calendar.

Greece, Italy, and Croatia have been the new spots, but never the same place twice, as I am now no longer on a solo tour. For the last 10 years I have been in a “not official” and not “together at all” relationship. He has been that long in my life and I am still not tired of him, and he is still there although I offered to find a younger model as for sure I am not getting younger. (I left that dream go with a sunset many years ago). The age gap of 20+ years is noticeable now and again and sometimes it fades well into the background. Been in a few relationships I must admit this is the best one and for sure the last one.

We both value the space we have in our own homes and with our own friends and family, which was a logical step as until recently he was still happy in the closet. Being out of it now doesn’t change much for me as we keep our life together a thing for just us. My family and friends are fully aware of him, and some have even met him (once!), but we keep that to an absolute minimum.

Thinking about where to start writing again I thought this to be the best part as it has an impact on a lot in my life. Never a day goes without him, no he isn’t here on a daily base other than the good morning messages and the good night wishes every day. There are still things I do without his involvement, but he is there in a few, whether ordering yet another pair of shoes or buying other stuff for my house.

The last couple of years have changed me, in being a us, in doing my job and looking into the future. As for work I stopped working doing extra things, like IT and councilor at work, I returned to basic work and reduced the ours to max 17 per week. My navy career stopped 10 years ago (almost), and I am retired so why not enjoy life and work for the extras and relax the other hours in the week. No longer working in the mornings other than when I think it is useful.

So here I am, a week off from work and back at the keyboard, during a grey and foggy day at home. I have tried a few times to start again but failed on the same day. My life or rather brain wasn’t in the relax state to start again although there is much to write about, but I might not been ready to spill the beans or mentally my brain was still in a sort mental pause mentality that it just didn’t happen. My use of a sleeping aid (temazepam) for 12 years is sure part of that problem, but gone cold turkey of it 6 months ago have not only made my body go WTF but also my brain. There are days where I wake up and feel pain or other stuff that I can not explain, other moments I get ideas or thoughts that feel like a depression is to hit full force, lucky I know what the cause of those feelings are and I can pull myself together and send those ghosts flying out of the window. Slowly I am finding myself again and sleeping is getting better, I am far from normal, but I get rest without aid. In 6 months, interval I have my body checked as I need to lose weight (my 40 year struggle) and get mentally peace and quit. So far so good and I have another appointment to see my doctor tomorrow to go over some test results from the latest check-up. One of the only reasons to get up earlier than 9.

Somehow, I wished I did write the last couple of years as I had a few wonderful trips to some amazing places where I enjoyed the surroundings as well as the company. He has for sure become a wonderful thing in my life. Don’t get me wrong I still see the world in my way and try to explain it to myself in my own way when I am on the couch listening to some music or in bed when all is dark, and the only thing left are my thoughts. His views and ideas help to ship some things or shine a different light on things. We are alike in a few things but so much not in others, yet we still listen to each other’s opinions but don’t try to get the other one over to the other side, not in life and not in bed. We see each other at a weekend a month and sometimes for coffee before I start working and during our holidays, which will not last for longer than 8 days (so far). And before you ask, yes, it is enough. These periods and days I can manage, the rest of my days are mine and I can do my things, it is in great balance I must say. There is no fixed schedule in planning our weekends, they just happen and we fully enjoy them together, they are worth a lot to me.

Hello again

 Well it has sure been a while, not only since summer but even longer since my last visit to the place where many of my posts were written. Today will hopefully mark the start of posting again and not only from a holiday spot but also from home, as with all things in life, time doesn't stand still.

As we all know a lot has happened since my last little bit here and the world has become even more strange to my little old brain. The coming days i am going to sort out some stuff so my posting will become a little easier and more frequently .

In a way i missed writing and explaining the world to me, the one that lives between my ears for the last years i have been keeping it in the brain and not digital. So here we go again and luckily i have still some trips planned and hopefully they inspire me to talk again as i used to do, one thing has changed, i do have the man in the blue swimsuit with me on most of my travels. But he is still worth writing about.

Enough for now, untill soon!

Someone will love you, someone isn't me

When you start to like or even love someone you remember where and when, it's a imprint in your brain. If then over time it is just a special feeling you have and hold on too, there's no such moment when you notice that the feeling has slipped away.

Life and time have a funny way to pass you by, yes I was busy recently but not so much that my feelings had the chance to show themselves. 

Things are changing, things fade away, and I seem to ease in these things, these moments. Is this the life of a grown up? Hardly holding on to some things, wondering how I could get this far. 

A few weeks ago we buried a family member who slipped away suddenly, unexpected from one moment to the other just gone. As funerals go it's a reunion of family which remain and stories of times gone by, some of them I hadn't seen since the last one, a little over 19 years ago.

Times when I wasn't a retired navy guy, the man who now sits in the front row at a funeral what used to be the place of my parents. The once that have passed some time ago, and so we are now the close ones, saying goodbye to the ones that go on their last journey. 

The faces are the same just much older, when did this al happen, I vividly remember things from way before yesterday. Past lovers, relationships, travels, the ups and downs of life, my life. Where is the guy who takes my hand and promise me to make it all right? If only I knew. 

Home I find myself wanting to spend more time alone with my dog, music, some tv and music. I feel tired from so much and so little, it's frustrating. 

Somebody said life will fly by, things will just seem to be another 90 minutes movie, I feel like I am in the corner watching not being able to do anything about it. Even turning circles doesn't change a single thing, I am just the guy standing there, watching it all go by. 

Thankful for great moments, a loving family (with its ups and downs) and amazing friends. 

All of this and I found that if I had to say goodbye, I could and all will be well. Sure there are things to do and hopefully some adventures ahead, but so far I am happy with what lies behind. Little moments are collected in my blog here, and it makes me smile, my own little crazy universe. Living alone with no one to care for or to ask off, but happy as I realize that I crossed the point where I would be able to live in a relationship and be able to handle it from one day to another. I prefer my solitude days where it is just me and I don't even speak a word to anyone (except the dog, as for sure he is not responding). 

Somethings I let it slip away, no more worrying even though everything is changing, I chose to be this way, so when I faulted at least it is my mistake. 

Dark thought during a stormy night, I choose to be this way, and tonight I had to write it down. 

It also keeps the blog alive, one thing I don't want to die and disappear yet. 

I need to read back a little about me and my universe, so if I do not understand somethings I have somethings to reflect and compare.

So far so good, time to get some sleep as Monday awaits....... 

When a song lingers on

And again it has been a while, but somehow I never run out of thoughts but of moments to write, need to change this attitude.
For a few weeks there's a song that keeps getting my attention, the lyrics are just amazing, I know all i write is in english but at home I listen to the german radio FFN and the song is on the air frequently and i just like to share it here, because why should i write the words when a song just says it:

Ohne Ziel läufst du durch die Straßen
Durch die Nacht, kannst wieder mal nicht schlafen
Du stellst dir vor, dass jemand an dich denkt
Es fühlt sich an als wärst du ganz alleine
Auf deinem Weg liegen riesengroße Steine
Und du weißt nicht, wohin du rennst

Wenn der Himmel ohne Farben ist
Schaust du nach oben und manchmal fragst du dich

Ist da jemand, der mein Herz versteht?
Und der mit mir bis ans Ende geht?
Ist da jemand, der noch an mich glaubt?
Ist da jemand? Ist da jemand?
Der mir den Schatten von der Seele nimmt?
Und mich sicher nach Hause bringt?
Ist da jemand, der mich wirklich braucht?
Ist da jemand? Ist da jemand?

Um dich rum lachende Gesichter
Du lachst mit, der Letzte lässt das Licht an
Die Welt ist laut und dein Herz ist taub
Du hast gehofft, dass eins und eins gleich zwei ist
Und irgendwann irgendwer dabei ist
Der mit dir spricht und keine Worte braucht

Wenn der Himmel ohne Farben ist

Schaust du nach oben und manchmal fragst du dich

Ist da jemand, der mein Herz versteht?

Und der mit mir bis ans Ende geht?
Ist da jemand, der noch an mich glaubt?
Ist da jemand? Ist da jemand?
Der mir den Schatten von der Seele nimmt?
Und mich sicher nach Hause bringt?
Ist da jemand, der mich wirklich braucht?

Ist da jemand? Ist da jemand?

Wenn man nicht mehr danach sucht
Kommt so vieles von allein
Hinter jeder neuen Tür

Kann die Sonne wieder scheinen

Du stehst auf mit jedem neuen Tag
Weil du weißt, dass die Stimme

Die Stimme in dir sagt

Da ist jemand, der dein Herz versteht
Und der mit dir bis ans Ende geht
Wenn du selber nicht mehr an dich glaubst
Dann ist da jemand, ist da jemand! (Ist da jemand)
Der dir den Schatten von der Seele nimmt
Und dich sicher nach Hause bringt

Immer wenn du es am meisten brauchst
Dann ist da jemand, ist da jemand!

Da ist jemand, der dein Herz versteht
Und der mit dir bis ans Ende geht
Wenn du selber nicht mehr an dich glaubst
Dann ist da jemand, ist da jemand!
Der dir den Schatten von der Seele nimmt
Und dich sicher nach Hause bringt

Immer wenn du es am meisten brauchst
Dann ist da jemand, ist da jemand!

Dann ist da jemand, ist da jemand!

If you know you know and then you just didn't

Coming here all these years you think you know the area, guess what? You do not. Over the years I always wanted to visit the nude beach a little drive from here but I just never came around in doing so, the family doesn't go there and although I can use the car I am not going to take them up on there offer, I would never get the damn thing out of the garage, they park in impossible ways for me, the mystery of the universe would be much easier to explain. Recently I started to chat to a guy online a little more than the usual hello and stuff and he told me there should be one on walking distance. " say what????"  So I went on a safari to see if that was correct, en sure it was only a short walk from where I normally park my behind in the sand there it was, a nice small sandy beach with perfect water and not to many people. As the other nudes beaches are also know as cruising areas I was wondering.... Well there were only one or two other members of the gay community and no cruising behaviour, did I actually found a little piece of paradise? At least I was or still am lucky enough to use it for a few days before I have to return home. So parts of my body will not be fluorescent white when I pull my pants down.

My friend from Vigo decided to come offer for a uprise visit and we spend a great afternoon on the beach. Talking and swimming and burning my behind just a little. I never expected him to pop over.  We met on a gay dating app a while ago and kept it to just talking and hey in a spontaneous moment we met. He made my afternoon and even beginning of the evening a delight on that little stretch of beach. Email or whatssapp conversation are kept short and basically with the normal amount of talk and subjects and now here we were chatting away while being able to pop into the cooling waters of the bay at any time. Well me diving and he tiptoeing at the edge...... He hates cold water but he went in once with me, more politeness as the need to cool of I think, the first few inches he didn't look too happy about the temperature, and me being me I dove in at the second step..... Not because I was about to have some crisp red skin but simply because I love the water here.

Hours on this little beach just flew by and he even brought me home in his car, so I had a very good day and once at home and showered it was a great evening simple with the family some comfort food and drinks. Summer can not get better I think. This is just so relaxing and great. Friends family and just letting go. I get out of bet around midday and take each day as they come, one at a time. In a few days it is back on the plane and back to everyday things at home, walking the dog etc. luckily I have a little over a week left before work starts again and all will head for the Christmas part of the year,

Next to that I am already looking for a new job as the current one is about to end by December if they do not change their mind and give me a more solid contract, which they won't I am afraid so hunting I go. I need to get through next year and after that I can see how and what. But I stay on the positive side and let nothing drive me crazy, for every problem there is a solution. Main thing is to stay happy all the way. For now I am about to watch my movie and enjoy a sofa Sunday ,,,,,, the rain might fall but the sun will be back and so will I on the beach.... Have a nice Sunday 

Waiting for a shooting star

Well it has been a while since I opened my blog and started to write, and I have to do something or it will automatically disappear, as I put this in motion once just in case off. (I'm not getting any younger, or slimmer for that fact).

Back in Spain and loving my time here, it has been some what rocky with my dog being sick in the kennel at home, the first week I was here and one other dog died in a few hours. As much as I like to have a few days off not having to take care of him, I do miss the little rascal. Taking care of the others in the kennel does create a link and when yesterday the eldest was helped crossing into the light I couldn't help but feel bad about it. These few furry friends creape into your heart. Next to that a friend in the village died after a few months of pain and suffering, we knew she would not see the fall arrive in our hometown but still when a friend leaves you are allowed to feel sad. Weeks ago my old neighbor changed from this life into the next and she was the same age, only 65 both died after a battle with cancer and yes you do know dead is knocking on your door but still....... 

Enjoying my stay here very much in the hottest summer for the last couple of years, the shadows where there, even though I have an easy approach on death itself I can't help to feel a little more each year I get older. I think I can positively say I will not be a serious sobbing guy regarding to death but it sure makes the reality of my own (which I hope will not be soon) a little bit more believable.  A thing that always seems to be far far away.  The local beach and in this season the many people on it give me some distraction from the darker thoughts, and for you know who, the hot shorts this year are neon green and purple, not a single color this time. Yesterday a hord of scouts ascended to the beach I think at least 400 and really they know how to make a noise and disturb the other people on the beach, even I moved..... That is just too much to handle, but on the sunny side it brought me closer to a very nice guy, he arrived shortly after my move on the beach. We exchanged some looks and once in the amazingly fresh ocean he started to talk, first in Spanish and after I let him know that mine is still below standard in broken English..... But enough to laugh en have a oral conversation. So I had a nice time and something nice to look at. All in all a good day. 

I am about to head out for another beach day although it will be short as rain is expected I for sure will enjoy my little moment away from kids and a lot of noisy video games.... So until later, not promising any more to write later, but it feels like I will pick this up again

Coffee and Frosties

Good morning world, blue skies and sunshine, what else can one wish for? Nothing I think.

It has been a week now with sun and rain, but more of the first as the latter. When on holiday you should relax and get rid of the ghost of last year, well it seems easier said than done. Not so many ghosts but a few that will linger on for just a little longer. Counting myself lucky that I do not have to fight demons in my life, at the moment there is simply no space for them.

Like all the other years I have been here, the local magic works and my head gets rinsed, not completely but I do get more sleep and room to think about the other things in life. 

The beach the ocean and the sound of the waves make up for a nice smoothing and soothing feeling clearing the attic which rest on my shoulders from the dust and the dirt of the past months. A nice and fresh feeling resulting in a fresh look ahead, looking at things a little less worried.

As I arrived at the end of the summer holiday season here in Spain the blue Atlantic short wonder moment is reduced to a minimum, but nonetheless there are still some moments where my eyes catch something nice making my view even more attractive.

According to the whatssapp messages from home I am missed, well he doesn’t say how much, beware he might open up about his feelings below the surface. A few days ago I received the message that if I would meet my “dream guy” I would be free to chase him. Well thanks, but as I told him, I am quit happy the way things are, but did he want me to say I am asking myself? The past three years should have given him enough proof that I am happy with the guy I have, have being the big word here. While he went on his 5 day holiday he was on the gay dating apps from sunrise till bedtime, looking around as he mentioned. Fine with me we have no set rules other then to be careful as our health depends on it. He came home after 5 days without having acted on his impulses, was he kinda asking for a medal here? In between his break and my holiday we had a few days and some days before my departure told me that he was jealous, he would have liked being with me on the beach, tough I told hm, you made the decision to go alone and not with me, although the invitation was extended, so no complaining now. You would be in a situation too much like a relationship, true, he admitted and I know that is still a uncomfortable place for him. Maybe in the future he replied. Well I have been hearing this reply for the last 3 years so I am not taking this al too serious. But the first time that week he admitted the he loved me at least a little. Sounds like progress but let’s just see it as a compliment. I love how my friends hope something even nicer will develop but I am sorry to say it is not going to happen, this “ relationship “ will run his course be it long or short, the end date is al to clearly at the horizon. The end date looms at the horizon and I have no clue when it will arrive nor do I think about it to much. Momentary he is opening up a little more each time we talk or see each other, which feels great and on the other hand I do not want a person in my life who becomes too much part of my every day life. The coming time I have to fight some little battles myself to stay afloat and I need my energy for that, he is there to make me relax and take a moment off from the world and all the stuff in it. The age difference is noticeable from time to time but presently not disturbing the thing we have. Do I love him? Good one, I feel something for him that makes me happy and satisfied, sure I would love some more time with him but the way things are going its at the correct pace for me. Yes maybe it it the thought that it is not going to last that holds me back, but I am confronted with his attitude and behavior. There are some relationships with an age gap like ours that seem to work, but me, I still find myself troubled of the idea of a working one when two people are 25 years apart and where the youngest one is still in the closet and has his life sheltered (the gay one) from his public appearance. He is a typical thirty something, with all the trimmings I might add. Part of that life for me is not that of a grown up, but when I look around he is not alone in that. The other parts like work and being with me talking about God knows what are great but there is a limit. Long ago I decided not to try and find the grey line that separates the two of them. In time he will change as I have over the decades (no I feel an antique ) as I changed over the years and still am (that was pointed out to me lately). 

One more week here and we will continue and see what lies ahead actually day by day and I think I will need my blog to put my thoughts online and in front of me, to read back and to archive my own little electrical grey matter sparkles. 

I had hoped to be blogging each and every day but no, wasn’t able to hold that promise, so today before heading to the beach just after breakfast I found my head full of thoughts and needed to blog, so there it is. My mental newspaper for the day. From the living room I can see the first people straw lying on the beach, to Spain so nobody has put a tool down and enjoys the morning sunshine. I will head over in about an hour to take in the afternoon sunshine.

Tonight the festival of Darbo starts with a lot of Booz and music. I will head over there and try to get my cup and handkerchief just to add to my collection. And have a small taste of the flaming drink and make sure my host will arrive home safely.

Enough for today my coffee and shower awaits, catch you later amigos!