The
question is where to begin? Since my last post not only has my life changed but
so has the world, a pandemic, wars and a woke movement have since happened and
in between that all I try to keep a sound mind. Let me tell you it is never
easy.
Apart from
the pandemic I have returned to go on holiday and take time to rest and enjoy
the new places I have been too. The small town in Spain is not a returning spot
on the calendar.
Greece, Italy,
and Croatia have been the new spots, but never the same place twice, as I am
now no longer on a solo tour. For the last 10 years I have been in a “not
official” and not “together at all” relationship. He has been that long in my
life and I am still not tired of him, and he is still there although I offered
to find a younger model as for sure I am not getting younger. (I left that
dream go with a sunset many years ago). The age gap of 20+ years is noticeable
now and again and sometimes it fades well into the background. Been in a few
relationships I must admit this is the best one and for sure the last one.
We both
value the space we have in our own homes and with our own friends and family,
which was a logical step as until recently he was still happy in the closet.
Being out of it now doesn’t change much for me as we keep our life together a
thing for just us. My family and friends are fully aware of him, and some have
even met him (once!), but we keep that to an absolute minimum.
Thinking
about where to start writing again I thought this to be the best part as it has
an impact on a lot in my life. Never a day goes without him, no he isn’t here
on a daily base other than the good morning messages and the good night wishes
every day. There are still things I do without his involvement, but he is there
in a few, whether ordering yet another pair of shoes or buying other stuff for
my house.
The last
couple of years have changed me, in being a us, in doing my job and looking
into the future. As for work I stopped working doing extra things, like IT and councilor
at work, I returned to basic work and reduced the ours to max 17 per week. My
navy career stopped 10 years ago (almost), and I am retired so why not enjoy
life and work for the extras and relax the other hours in the week. No longer
working in the mornings other than when I think it is useful.
So here I
am, a week off from work and back at the keyboard, during a grey and foggy day
at home. I have tried a few times to start again but failed on the same day. My
life or rather brain wasn’t in the relax state to start again although there is
much to write about, but I might not been ready to spill the beans or mentally
my brain was still in a sort mental pause mentality that it just didn’t happen.
My use of a sleeping aid (temazepam) for 12 years is sure part of that problem,
but gone cold turkey of it 6 months ago have not only made my body go WTF but
also my brain. There are days where I wake up and feel pain or other stuff that
I can not explain, other moments I get ideas or thoughts that feel like a
depression is to hit full force, lucky I know what the cause of those feelings
are and I can pull myself together and send those ghosts flying out of the
window. Slowly I am finding myself again and sleeping is getting better, I am
far from normal, but I get rest without aid. In 6 months, interval I have my
body checked as I need to lose weight (my 40 year struggle) and get mentally
peace and quit. So far so good and I have another appointment to see my doctor
tomorrow to go over some test results from the latest check-up. One of the only
reasons to get up earlier than 9.
Somehow, I
wished I did write the last couple of years as I had a few wonderful trips to
some amazing places where I enjoyed the surroundings as well as the company. He
has for sure become a wonderful thing in my life. Don’t get me wrong I still
see the world in my way and try to explain it to myself in my own way when I am
on the couch listening to some music or in bed when all is dark, and the only
thing left are my thoughts. His views and ideas help to ship some things or
shine a different light on things. We are alike in a few things but so much not
in others, yet we still listen to each other’s opinions but don’t try to get
the other one over to the other side, not in life and not in bed. We see each
other at a weekend a month and sometimes for coffee before I start working and
during our holidays, which will not last for longer than 8 days (so far). And
before you ask, yes, it is enough. These periods and days I can manage, the
rest of my days are mine and I can do my things, it is in great balance I must
say. There is no fixed schedule in planning our weekends, they just happen and
we fully enjoy them together, they are worth a lot to me.
