Good morning world, blue skies and sunshine, what else can one wish for? Nothing I think.
It has been a week now with sun and rain, but more of the first as the latter. When on holiday you should relax and get rid of the ghost of last year, well it seems easier said than done. Not so many ghosts but a few that will linger on for just a little longer. Counting myself lucky that I do not have to fight demons in my life, at the moment there is simply no space for them.
Like all the other years I have been here, the local magic works and my head gets rinsed, not completely but I do get more sleep and room to think about the other things in life.
The beach the ocean and the sound of the waves make up for a nice smoothing and soothing feeling clearing the attic which rest on my shoulders from the dust and the dirt of the past months. A nice and fresh feeling resulting in a fresh look ahead, looking at things a little less worried.
As I arrived at the end of the summer holiday season here in Spain the blue Atlantic short wonder moment is reduced to a minimum, but nonetheless there are still some moments where my eyes catch something nice making my view even more attractive.
According to the whatssapp messages from home I am missed, well he doesn’t say how much, beware he might open up about his feelings below the surface. A few days ago I received the message that if I would meet my “dream guy” I would be free to chase him. Well thanks, but as I told him, I am quit happy the way things are, but did he want me to say I am asking myself? The past three years should have given him enough proof that I am happy with the guy I have, have being the big word here. While he went on his 5 day holiday he was on the gay dating apps from sunrise till bedtime, looking around as he mentioned. Fine with me we have no set rules other then to be careful as our health depends on it. He came home after 5 days without having acted on his impulses, was he kinda asking for a medal here? In between his break and my holiday we had a few days and some days before my departure told me that he was jealous, he would have liked being with me on the beach, tough I told hm, you made the decision to go alone and not with me, although the invitation was extended, so no complaining now. You would be in a situation too much like a relationship, true, he admitted and I know that is still a uncomfortable place for him. Maybe in the future he replied. Well I have been hearing this reply for the last 3 years so I am not taking this al too serious. But the first time that week he admitted the he loved me at least a little. Sounds like progress but let’s just see it as a compliment. I love how my friends hope something even nicer will develop but I am sorry to say it is not going to happen, this “ relationship “ will run his course be it long or short, the end date is al to clearly at the horizon. The end date looms at the horizon and I have no clue when it will arrive nor do I think about it to much. Momentary he is opening up a little more each time we talk or see each other, which feels great and on the other hand I do not want a person in my life who becomes too much part of my every day life. The coming time I have to fight some little battles myself to stay afloat and I need my energy for that, he is there to make me relax and take a moment off from the world and all the stuff in it. The age difference is noticeable from time to time but presently not disturbing the thing we have. Do I love him? Good one, I feel something for him that makes me happy and satisfied, sure I would love some more time with him but the way things are going its at the correct pace for me. Yes maybe it it the thought that it is not going to last that holds me back, but I am confronted with his attitude and behavior. There are some relationships with an age gap like ours that seem to work, but me, I still find myself troubled of the idea of a working one when two people are 25 years apart and where the youngest one is still in the closet and has his life sheltered (the gay one) from his public appearance. He is a typical thirty something, with all the trimmings I might add. Part of that life for me is not that of a grown up, but when I look around he is not alone in that. The other parts like work and being with me talking about God knows what are great but there is a limit. Long ago I decided not to try and find the grey line that separates the two of them. In time he will change as I have over the decades (no I feel an antique ) as I changed over the years and still am (that was pointed out to me lately).
One more week here and we will continue and see what lies ahead actually day by day and I think I will need my blog to put my thoughts online and in front of me, to read back and to archive my own little electrical grey matter sparkles.
I had hoped to be blogging each and every day but no, wasn’t able to hold that promise, so today before heading to the beach just after breakfast I found my head full of thoughts and needed to blog, so there it is. My mental newspaper for the day. From the living room I can see the first people straw lying on the beach, to Spain so nobody has put a tool down and enjoys the morning sunshine. I will head over in about an hour to take in the afternoon sunshine.
Tonight the festival of Darbo starts with a lot of Booz and music. I will head over there and try to get my cup and handkerchief just to add to my collection. And have a small taste of the flaming drink and make sure my host will arrive home safely.
Enough for today my coffee and shower awaits, catch you later amigos!
