Be my friend, my family

It’s the last full day in London and I have just said goodbye to a friend who is traveling back tomorrow and will stay the night at a hotel near the airport.

As always London has been a great stay and meeting up with friends it’s always something special at a special place.

Next to that in line with tradition I am in London at least once a year, and it still feels like home, saying this I notice I have a few places I can call my home, I am a happy man.

Now this little holiday draws to an end I like to reflect and have some moments alone where I can gather my thoughts and prepare for the trip home and all that awaits me there. 

I can already look back on a great visit with many memorable moments and I finally had my Proms in the park. If you do know me and it seems not many do (according to a conversation with my brother) you would know I am not a big festival guy, I prefer theatre and concerts in a more structured way, and yes, you can call me old fashioned. But being with friends and the atmosphere I can admit I enjoyed it. The weather was great and I had about 40.000 people to watch, which I did not manage. But the few I noticed made me smile, think, wonder and even be surprised. Being single with a certain friend in my life I must admit I missed him, I would have loved to have him here and share the night at the festival with him. Not even knowing if he would had put his arm around me even for a minute but just the thought having him with me that night. Again there is the old romantic in me sticking out its head, and I am fine with the thought. Realizing that I care, a little more then just a little and need to make sure we remain at that level. We exchange a few messages a day, me passing some more information and pictures and he just, well actually just being the way he is at home. With other friends and relatives we share our days on Facebook and I must say the likes and reactions are many, more from friends as actual family but with the state of our relationship as brother and sisters it seems to be a next step in a family bond changing, I thought I would be sad in the breaking up of my family but I feel no sorrow nor remorse, if it is the way it is suppose to be I will let it happen and I am left with my friends, the family I choose to be with, and who welcomed me in their lives for me, not my heritage.

When I said goodbye to one member of my Spanish family today I noticed that the feel closer to heart as my actual family does, worth a thought to figure out why. Part of it is, well for me, that the navy took me from my family and send me all over the world for long periods of time and the contact I maintained was with my parents through letters and cards as this was before the digital age. I never wrote my brothers or sisters and neither did they, so from the beginning they had their separate lives and almost no contact with me other then the few visits we had at our parents together and that was as children with parents not a opportunity to get to know each other. In a way strange to find out now how little I know about them as a person, and even stranger that I do not feel that I actually have too. My younger sibling told me that I never fulfilled my role as the eldest one, and on my end I have no feeling or idea of missing out on something. My brothers and sister are all as stubborn as me and even though we come from the same nest we have developed our own ways and lives and being honest if they were not my siblings I would not have them picked as friends, hard truth but there it is. One of them has the wish to get to know me as a person not simply as his brother and I have no problems giving it a try, but I refuse to turn it into a job-like task. After my mother passed away there is no parental bond left and the everlasting rivalry and not understanding each other of some of my siblings I am simply tired of holding it all together, I have arrived in a different stage of my life where I want to make life as good as I can or as it gets, and I know it will not always be happy times but with my chosen family I do make a damn good change of a happy what ever might be next. Again I do not feel bad on loosening the bond with my siblings and carry on as I have been doing the last decades. I will spend time alone and with my friends in a way and rhythm I pick, which hopefully is in harmony with them, and so far I have been doing a great job with that. Far better as keeping a relationship, and who knows I might just not have the ability to handle that and do have to enjoy the special guys that come into my life, however short their stay might be. Life could be worse but I enjoy it as it is, lets hope it goes on for a long while like this. Life can be simple and I would like to keep it that way with the help of my friends.its jut like the song, with a little help from my friends.

it's so ....... so what!

When tomorrow comes

I'll be on my own

Feeling frightened of

The things that I don't know

When tomorrow comes

And though the road is long

I look up to the sky

And In the dark I found, I stop and I won’t fly

I got all I need when I got you and I

I look around me, and see sweet life

I'm stuck in the dark but you're my flashlight

You're getting me, getting me through the night

Can’t stop my heart when you shining in my eyes

I can’t lie, it’s a sweet life

I see the shadows long beneath the mountain top

I'm not the afraid when the rain won't stop

Cause you light the way

Some lyrics from a song I was listening to after going to bed. In a way it stated something I was feeling apart from what I was thinking, after seeing my “friend”. Finding myself in a place between so many emotions, thoughts and wishes.

The question on my mind; “where are we, what happens next and what is this?”

Over the last couple of weeks I have been happy with someone just because he is who he is and we have what we have. And yet I find myself in bed with a few thoughts, and they should not be there, as there is no reason for them.

We meet spend some hours together and enjoy each other’s company very much.

Never do we speak about any form of a relationship, we talk about us, our day and almost all other things in life, just not about “sharing” each other’s.

Complicated because of a few things, one being younger then I am, one because he is still in the closet and I can name a few more, but are they complications or just because it doesn’t fit the usual picture perfect way to look at relationships?

Having been in more than a couple relationships with age difference I would say it has more to do with chemistry than age. If you are attracted to the person, feel the desire to see them happy, are sexually compatible, laugh well together, enjoy talking, you've got a chance for a great relationship. How long it lasts is unknown, and if it is too difficult in later years for the younger person, the option is there to leave.

I find that people my age don't have the same interests, energy and can be very boring when compared to the other energetic life.

This is however even for me a great gap in age, 24 years to be precise and I am on my way to 60(and yes I know it’s far away from where I am now) so truth is hitting or rather slapping me in the face; I am getting old. (Thanks to my loving friends to tell me I still have a young heart and mentality). So I asked a friend and here is his answer:” There is no acceptable age difference. If the two parties are happy, then it works and they should be left alone. Everyone has what they want and are happy with, and that is one of the least to worry about”.

Happy with the answer (as we always are when it is in our favor) I looked back a little on relationships around me over the past decades and I noticed that:

-         Once you are in your 20s, 5 years is plenty of distance to be, depending on the maturity of the individuals.  

-         I have witnessed that couples with more than 10 yrs age differences have more obstacles to overcome, especially with age. 

-         Once it gets to be more than 10 years, each person could be at different stages of their lives, and have to make serious decisions ahead as the future is shaping differently from each other.

So here are my thoughts about a relationship when there isn’t even one to talk about. How the mind wonders, that must be part of the age difference.

For now we keep on seeing each other and even spend the night, to wake up and have a breakfast, almost as normal as a couple would do. In the end however he makes me happy and I know for sure he is happy with me as he stated: “I am in safe hands with you”.

Now that’s the light I need in my life for now, even when compared to others its merely the flickering light of a candle, it warms me and makes me happy, I have a guy with no strings attached, but simple happiness, why should I complain?

With a smile I am looking forward to our next encounter, as I know it will be as delightful and happy as always.