you know one day when yo wake up that something has changed, and while trying to get out of bed you are hoping to grasp what ever might have changed overnight. sometimes its merely some unfinished thoughts from the night before, but getting older doesn't go unnoticed. the places where thoughts go overnight, i wish i would be able to find that box and open it. it must be located somewhere near the box labelled memories.
lately i have had so much time to get my head, or rather my mind sorted that i have found it not to be as easy as i had hoped it would be. confronting as it might be, it was clear that i needed to have my portable attic cleaned. medication or not, i found out the hard way that facing you problems is indeed better as to store them and hope that over the years dust will cover them and you have never to face them.
whether it is about the past relationships or the "maybe not so clever" things, facing the music and dance isn't that easy. the music might be a tango and i tried to waltz my way out it, in the end it clashes. being honest to oneself, can we do that? for why else do we so often ask our friends or family about things in life that matters? sure we all have things we want to keep a secret, foremost to ourselves. bad move!!! for so long i thought these things i would take into the grave to never have to confront. nothing could be further from the truth, as with so many things in life i need to explain my universe to myself, and it seems i need a second look at my life. mistakes i made loves i had and lost, just to name a few. luckily next to those i also have wonderful and sweet memories but they also need to be processed.... and i am hoping to find the balance between the both of them.
another morning as yesterday turned into a day out with the family, so here i am with my morning coffee to pick up where i left off. but as things go, my mind added a few new ideas and revisited some older thoughts. you know the state where you are confronting yourself about a few things and suddenly find you are in the middle of an argument? while behind me someone is trying to make pancakes i find some time for my first coffee and my ipad, organizing my thoughts. haven't written for a long while, so forgive me if i have to get back into the game.
it's not because nothing happened, to me or my friends, it has just been a period where i needed to sort out what was still up there and needed to be dealt with. yes,normally i would grab my keypad and attempt to put my personalized universe into order, this time how ever i needed to dig a little deeper and actually talk to a person about it. so a few months have passed and in a week i will be back at work, not yet full time, but a start is a start. next to work it is also time to start working on the body and health..... meds can help a person to see things clear, even the weekly growing belly. so i have some things to look forward too, some more appreciated than others, but that seems to be life. for at the moment i am spending some comfort time with friends. (and not to mention very good food). the Poland experience is truly happening, another 2 days to go and it is bak home and time to get things back into a routine, well for a few months anyway, my retirement is still just around the corner, change is going to come and happen.
where there was always some kind of constant there will be an end to a very important part in my life. i know, one door closes and another will open, but sometimes the breeze that comes through the old door is just the one you need. but first now are pancakes, breakfast time! (working on the food thing, thinking of it is at least something).
