It's been a while since I last wrote, must have been my holiday. Been too busy and my mind wasn't truly in a place to blog. After my vacation it has been partly coming back to the old life and partly to a new one. Spain again has changed me a little. Not complaining as I write this with a smile. These 3 weeks were a change I really needed, and I am grateful for.
When I turned 40 I thought I had to live before life was over, and so I lost a couple of kilo's and went out into the world to start dating for the purpose of dating. Something that was denied (I thought) by my overweight and feeling of not being pretty enough. It seems I was never denied it, I was just picturing myself a picture of me that wasn't reality, well not to me anyway. I was my worst enemy for a long time.
10 years and a marriage and a few boyfriends since then and after my holiday a few dates more. Somewhere down the line I found myself or rather my courage to go into the world as me, the person I am. With friends I am much easier in being me, once they passed the moat in front of my raised walls that surround the private person I protect more than any thing else in this world.
Friends, enemies and a few others have also contributed to a change in my grey matter, and I must be thankful for it. Their stories, adventures and sometimes hormonal unbalance brought forward stories and new views. I feel like I have just awoken from a long slumber, where my looks on the world were sometimes somewhat shortsighted. I will probably never loose my quick response to people or things happening around or in my life.
The last couple of days I have tried to figure out when I made the change, as I was clearly not bitten by a vampire or a werewolf. But it seems that I can not work out that precise point. Next to that it seems to be of no importance, the good thing is it happened and somewhere I opened not only my eyes but also the gate into my head.
Things have changed, in a good way, and I feel good, all other problems seem to be able to be concurred one day, come what may! life is here life is now (thanks my friend for clearly putting that out there). But life is so much here than the here and now, it's the tomorrow and a little of the yesterday's. With cleaning up my thoughts I also started to clear up my playlist, and listening to it so many things come to mind. Probably this is a start to a new period of blogs. Even with my muse (well one of them) far away he is able to make me smile and gives me inspiration to write and think. To give meaning to a thought a desire, paint a picture in my mind before I go to sleep. The sandmans Picasso ......... Images forming into a a new way of looking at so many things, adding color to my life. Not everything has changed, it just seems I was more dreaming in pastels as where now the colors are bright and shining.
What I do not have is the thought " why now?" There is time for everything, don't think the only people are the people who look and think like you, where ever in life you might want to walk in the footsteps of a stranger, just to learn new things.
Look at the miracles around you, and for once don't analyze and think of what they are, accept them. There is life in anything, but foremost there is life in you, so go and explore. It feels like the right time for me, look for yours, and feel like I do.
