why is the sun not out at night

If only, if and if and some more ifs. It’s not like magic, not everything in life sparkles and is like a fairytale, but try to see the best in al that is real with your feet on the ground.

This is one of them where I truly hope to wake up and find it is all a dream. Guess what? That is not going to happen; I seem to have to make the most of it. For a few days or maybe even longer I am going through something I can not explain or seem to be able to place somewhere in my mind so that I can understand it.

I have troubles finding sunny moments in things that go on in my every day. Difficult to fall asleep and hard to get up, I am even having problems listening to people. It seems like I need a break a break from everyday life and all that seem normal.

What is the reason for all of this? Winter? An upcoming birthday, loosing weight, work? I wish I had an answer for at least one of the things I am feeling. There is no answer yet so I have to make do with what I got, and try to focus on plenty of other things. Christmas is around the corner and for me that means a lot. After the coming working days I have some days off and enough to keep me busy for a while.

It’s that time of year where we want to be together and feel the comfort of someone else around to cuddle because it is cold or simply because we want to. This time round I seem to fall for it as well. I do feel a little stupid after all those years thinking so many others were sad for feeling this. Next to that there’s no reason for that, I am not fully alone, just not with someone, who is there just for me. Maybe I make a Santa wish, for just a guy, with not to many problems and hooks. (sigh) when we are young we wish for so much, and have big plans and one day that gets less or for a while you can actually say, I do not need anything I got what I want, and look here I am years later and it’s back on the list.

What has happened in between? Life, my father would answer and nothing more. Once I wanted to be a grownup and now I think that thought was wasted, as it isn’t all we hoped it would be. But life is what happened when we started to grow up, and we make what is now life as I know it. These thoughts are way to dark and heavy for November or any other day, I think I head for bed and try to dream a little and wake up early but happier tomorrow, life and a blog can not always be happy, so lets add this as it is and hope a better one comes along soon. Good night

How much fog can one handle?

It is grey and it has been grey for a few days now, and cold, the kind of cold that you feel in your bones, where getting warm feet are almost the only thing you think off.

It has been a while since my last entry but days are flying by, I know a week has 7 days but it feels more like 4, after my Spanish lessons I think I have a whole week to study and do my homework, only to find myself doing the exercises during lunch hour on a Monday. Since I left London to be home again the weekend seems to only last an hour or so.

Why does it feel that way? I have no clue, as I no longer have to travel between countries, time seems just to disappear. How can I get back into the social life when I hardly get the time to learn my Spanish? Sure I want to be back and go on a date that last longer than a coffee can keep its temperature, but like last weekend I have to get a move on to do the shopping, chit-chat, have my laundry done and cook a meal. No wonder I get the complaints that I do not spend enough time with potential new people of interest in my life. I am even afraid that I cannot spend the night as I am rushed of my feet to make my weekend actually feel like a weekend. This is nuts!!!!!

Working in an office, not the one I desire, but at least I got a job! Around me people will be fired or asked to leave, as we are sizing down on orders from the big chief.

Complaining is something I should not do as I find time during my work hours to think of different things but work. Not many people have this luxury, I do and then I find myself running out of time in my days off. How weird can it get? Once I am home from work I plan to do some things which, in the end, I still find on the to do list the next day. Time management is somewhat off I would say. Things got obvious once one of my friends started to complain that I just disappear and do not respond to text messages or e-mails. Yes, I leave my cell at home or on the nightstand when I go out with friends for coffee at their place, as I want it to be quiet, or not to be reminded I suppose to be somewhere else. I still refuse to put romance on my scheduler.

There is no rush in finding love or just romance for the moment but in the winter months it is nice to have the cuddle option open. In front of the fireplace with a nice glass of brandy I forgot for a moment that I was in Amsterdam and that life was passing by outside in the grey matter. There were no plans to stay the evening but I got there, cold and sick of staring into this grey matter all the way from the north not being able to drive at a better speed. So when offered a nice drink in front of a roaring fire, I could not say no!!!! Hell NO!!!! It takes so little to let go of a time schedule and I just excused myself from an other appointment to sit and look at flames. (and drink a amazing glass of brandy)

There were things to talk about but that moment, I only felt my feet getting warm and suddenly these things moved to the background. The old English clock on the mantelpiece was ticking and I heard Maria Callas sing somewhere in the background. Ashamed to even admit that I didn’t understand the first few words my host directed at me…… I just nodded and spend more time looking at the fire and getting cozy. Only to find out that I had agreed to stay the night. So I poured some more brandy and took my shoes off. This big comfy seat would have me as a guest for a while.

During the night the fog got thicker, I only noticed that when I had to get up to get something to drink. Amsterdam had something magical, and this is me making this statement, the street lights had something “Harry Potter” like effect on the view from the living room window. The apartment was comfortable warm and I took a moment, before heading back to bed. The good thing about company in bed is that it doesn’t get cold. There was no heating in the bedroom and the cold air greeted me when I entered the room, I did not even notice it when I hopped out of it.

No alarm was set so when I woke up it was by the smell of breakfast, another surprise as I am normally the person getting up making it. Time to turn over and wait for the call that I have to get up. Breakfast was  great, for reason that someone else made it and it was made fresh, including the orange juice.  Sunday it was!!!!!! For once it felt like a weekend, if only briefly as soon afterwards I had to be back in my car driving home.

So here we are, a grey, grey and may I say it again ever so grey day.  Well looking at the forecast Wednesday my planned trip to Germany should start off with fog but should become clearer as the day progresses.

Now let’s make a little wish that the next weekend will be fog-less !!!!!